


Blue

by WritingStruggles



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/F, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Magical Elements, References to Depression, References to past trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-25 10:51:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 50,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14377110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WritingStruggles/pseuds/WritingStruggles
Summary: Nina Romanova accidentally witnesses a girl at her university use some kind of a crystal. And it just had to be Irene Hikari.





	1. Shadow of the Sun

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
> This is the first time I'm posting an original of mine!  
> Please don't hold back whatever comments you might have, good or bad.  
> Each chapter is named after a song I enjoy.
> 
> I hope you enjoy. And also thank you. I hope you’ll love my girls as much as I do.

Blue.

That was the color that I never knew before. I’ve seen it in the sky and the picture books, in painting Lila drew and in my mother’s eyes. But no color enchanted me as much as the blue of her shining hair as she glared at me, the shades so natural I struggled in believing they were artificial. 

The shine reflecting off of her hair was not of the sun though, but of an orb that she gripped in her palms. It shone brighter than the rays that shone above and seemed to dance around her. 

I looked up at her. She still stared at me, seeming more in stupor than I was, face a mix of horror and rage. Her mouth opened and closed on unspoken words.

‘Did you see?!’

I felt a familiar tug, something that I associated with her voice. Her sharp eyes were pronounced by make-up and sun reflected off of her lip piercing. A droplet of water slid across her forehead and on to her cheek. Despite the warm weather, she was covered head to toe in dark leather, giving her a look of someone out of a biker movie. 

 

Irene Hikari.

 

‘See what?’

Irene rolled her eyes. She didn’t try to hide whatever she held in her cupped hands, whatever it was. She was half-turned to me now, shoes almost in the water.

Upon closer inspection, I noticed was a crystal. Barely visible in the brightness, it appeared a soft lavender color. After a few seconds of staring I noticing how my eyes had no trouble looking at the bright stone. No squinting, no tears.

‘Uh.’

Off to a great start, Nina, good job. ‘This-this thing. Crystal. Yeah.’

Irene blinked like I interrupted her. She shot me a final glare and turned away fully. She dipped her cupped hands under the water and began urgently whispering something in a foreign language. She stopped chanting for a moment and hissed:

‘I’m not done with you. Stand where you are and wait,’ and if she could feel starting to open my mouth she added: ‘No questions.’

Her tone was cold, a contrast to the warmth of color in her glowing hands under the water, which slowly began shimmering and bubbling up. Despite the sunny color, the water darkened and spread out until a huge part of the lake was entirely a dark blue. It disappeared as fast as it appeared, making me question whether it was a fragment of my imagination. Or a mirage, like in a desert. In a way, I was indeed a lost traveler then.

I had come here in the first place to find a place to study. The week had been a hellish one, with tests and assignments from virtually all courses I took that year, from Theater Theory to English. I had spent hours in my room staring at the wall over my desk when I stood abruptly and thought of a change of pace. I left the room to search for a vacant place. 

The library had been filled with stressed out engineering majors, study hall was hoarded by the creative writing students and the dorms were a mess after a party that the seniors threw the day before. I zipped past my chatty Psychology group, maintaining my ‘chill’ look and got a glimpse of the lake through a window.

It was my university’s trademark, adorned the university flag, and, especially, a favored place for skinny-dipping. I learned the third fact the hard way, via some giggling juniors who advised against looking out the window in warm weather. 

Before that day I have never gone to see the lake, as I only ever had to get outside twice a week and only to get to the science hall, the road to which was opposite the road to the lake.

I walked outside and made way for the line of hills that dipped down to the lake. The path went through a thin circle of trees, so you had to watch your step or the decline would send you slamming into a tree. The grass that had surrounded the road was fresh and soft, the essence of summer still there. It smelled like the grass that grew outside my country house back home. 

The water had come into my vision as I swiveled to the right. I had to hold back an awed gasp. It was larger than it seemed from the window and more beautiful. Even from where I stood I could tell how clear the water was. On the opposite side of the lake, a mountain rose up, covered almost fully in greenness. It felt like I was now kilometers away from civilization, deep in the wild.

I had completely forgotten my studies by then and simply run up to the shore and dipped my hands in the brilliant blue. It was as crystal clear as a tear, sunshine dancing on the waves like butterflies. I would have probably honored the university’s skinny-dipping tradition right then if I hadn’t noticed her then. I remember how movie-like that moment was. I raised my head like in slow motion and there she stood and I thought of what Lila loved about paintings. She always gushed about how a great artist can pronounce any color in any light. I thought of that as I watched how bright, yet how clear she was in the sun.

I jumped to my feet and scrambled away from the water, suddenly aware of how silly I must’ve looked before, grinning like an idiot at water. I shook my hands off and peeked at her again. And noticed how she shone not from the sun. 

Thus, I ended up where I was after I tried to sneak up on her. I went behind her through the trees and hid. Unfortunately, I didn’t account for how much noise branches could make when stepped on. She had turned so sharply that for an instant I was dazed by the blackness of her eyes. 

‘Earth to peeping Tom.’

I snapped out of my train of thought, or memory to be precise. Irene had finished whatever she was doing with the crystal and the water and now stood before me, hands on hips, expression guarded. I gulped and willed myself not to bit the inside of my cheek.

‘I’m not Tom,’ I stammered, then went red. 

She raised her eyebrows.

‘It a saying, you loony,’ If I didn’t know better I’d say she sounded almost amused. ‘You a foreigner?’

‘Yes.’

There was a pause. I watched a droplet slide of her cheek. 

Irene sighed in exasperation, ‘And where are you from, then?’

‘Oh! Russia. I’m from Russia.’

‘Never been. Is it a good place to live in?’

I scratched my cheek in thought, ‘Cold, I guess. But it’s home.’ I shrugged.

‘Huh.’ She said, but I could tell she wasn’t really paying attention. She kept intently watching my face as if she expected something to jump out of it.

It was unnerving.

Before she could say something again I spoke:

‘You don’t have to worry.’ I gave her the biggest smile I could muster without feeling embarrassed.

She blinked twice. Then her expression settled in a confused frown. Well, better that than the Hawk-like bore, I thought.

‘About what?’

‘This.’ I gestured vaguely at her and the lake.

I struggled to keep my smile on.

‘By ‘this’ you mean?’ She copied my hand movement, but more exaggerated.

‘The-the light thing. I meant the light thing. I’m not gonna tell anyone. I promise!’ I rushed out. I placed a hand on my heart for good measure.

She didn’t budge. ‘Why do you assume that I want to hide whatever I was doing?’

I let out a strange noise at that, but she continued then, ‘You aren’t wrong though. But why should I believe you?’ her tone was calm, but I could tell that she was tense. Her eyes jumped across my face. I prayed that my make-up wasn’t smudged from playing in the water.

‘Next thing I know there’ll be rumors of me attempting to burn down this place or that I’m part of a cult. I don’t know you.’

‘Then let’s not not know each other!’ I said, stepping up to her hastily. Her eyes had notes of grey and gold mixed in.

That probably wasn’t what she expected, as her hands dropped from her sides, expression even more confused than before. She didn’t move away, so it was a good sign.

‘I-I mean let’s get to know each other, y’know,’ I added. ’Like friends. You do friends, don’t you?’

‘What. Why?’ She had dropped her intimidating act and was looking at me like I was a crazy person, her face in a conflicted grimace. However, her eyes lost their hostile light. A flutter went through my stomach.

‘So you can trust me to not tell! If I’m your friend, then you’d know I won’t snitch.’

Irene looked like she had given up and strode away from me and sat under the nearest tree. I followed and sat near, pulling my legs under myself. The grass tickled my bare legs. After a minute she spoke again:

‘Has anyone ever told you that you talk like a crazy person?’

‘No, but my mum always calls me a maniac whenever I talk about Star Wars.’

‘She does?’ a small smile slid on Irene’s face. The lip piercing moved to the flutter of her lips and I had to force myself to look away.

‘Yeah, she calls me a lunatic for thinking prequels are entertaining.’

‘What’s wrong with them, that she thinks that? I never watched Star Wars.’

‘Something about ‘Original is better’ or something. There’s this big deal over it. I don’t really get it.’

Irene hummed and leaned back against the tree, posture finally relaxed. Her face didn’t relax though, a crease formed between her eyebrows. She had purple eyeshadow on. 

The quiet lasted around 10 seconds before she jerked up, ‘We are getting off topic! Why are even here? How much did you see?! Are you in any pain?!’ 

The last part held so much worry; I sputtered and lifted a hand to hide my mouth. She was once in my face; the sitting position made crane her neck. We were almost bumping noses. She had a few stray hairs in her eyebrows.

‘I was gonna study. I just saw the light. I don’t know how, I just did and no, I’m fine.’ I said in one breath, putting up a finger in front of her face for each question I answered. 

‘Jeez…’ She grumbled and settled back, hand rubbing her forehead in exhaustion.

‘Are you okay, though?’

She peeled an eye open, like she hadn’t expected that question, ‘Peachy. Better than I usually am.’

‘And usually, you are..?’

She gave me a ‘Try to guess’ look and turned away to watch the surface of the lake. It was less shiny and heavenly now that the sun was starting to set. The water seemed even clearer.

‘Curious about what this is?’

She pulled something out of her pocket. It was the crystal. It was smaller than I thought and much thinner, about the size of my pinky finger. A strap around one end connected it to a thin silver chain. Now that it wasn’t shiny, it set a sudden uncomfortable feeling deep within me. I couldn’t place it, so I looked away and at her. Much, much better, I thought.

I nodded to answer her question. She looked a bit reluctant then, even though she offered herself. She gave the shard a long look and spoke.

‘Well, to put it simply, it’s a battery.’

‘A battery?’

‘Yup,’ She was twiddling it between her fingers, something she must’ve done a lot, as she did it absentmindedly. ‘Not the regular kind though. It stores energy that emits from emotions.’

‘Emotions?’

‘Yes, emotions.  
‘It sucks up whatever dominant energy surrounds the place around it. It has approximately 5-kilometer radius. If the emotional stability of the place in that vicinity is off, filled with high levels of stress or whatever, then the crystal consumes the majority of it, renewing the atmosphere and stopping for the energy from flowing out beyond the borders. For example, if a fire took place in the university, then an unnatural amount of anxiety and tension would be conjured up and affect all, not just witnesses or people in the accident.’

She talked with her hands, gesturing and waving her fingers. She seemed a lot more animated than she let on.

‘And when the crystal fills up to the brink, I dispose that energy into this lake. What I was doing when you barged in and almost gave me a heart attack.’ Her tone was sharp, but no real anger was there.

I gave myself a minute to process it all, and then asked:

‘Why in the lake?’

It was a simple question, except that she visibly tensed and her eyes wandered away from me.

‘That I can’t tell. Even if you know about my job now.’

I hummed in understanding, ‘So it’s a ‘job’? Not ‘something I do, to feel like I’m a character from Winx’?’

‘Yeah. It’s kind of tradition in my family. My mom taught me how to do this, and she was taught by her mom and so on. And it helps people, so yeah, I do it,’ she said. ‘And what the hell is ‘Winx’?’

‘Oh my god. The best show ever. Ever. Don’t even argue, ok?’ I shook my head solemnly.

She raised her eyebrows and chuckled. ‘Whatever you say, weirdo.’

I let the comfortable silence linger.

‘How long have you been doing this?’

‘Oh, a lifetime. Like 10 years or so. I’ve done more rituals than I can remember. They’re not hard, especially since I learned how to make them work without a sound, but they are a pain to remember.’

She fell silent again. I felt like I was bothering her, but I had to ask my last burning question.

‘Why did you tell me? All of this. I know I tried to convince you, but you could have threatened me or, I don’t know, knocked me out. You went easily.’

I felt like I was digging a hole for me by saying this but I had to know. This was going way too easily and nonchalantly, considering how I just discovered her familial supernatural wizardry or whatever that was. I knew that I had to ask her.

‘Hey, hey, who do you think I am? A criminal?’ she imitated guns with her hands and pointed them at me. ‘Nah, I am very much a civil person, who does her fair share of magic tricks.’ She pretended to cast a spell with an air wand. I had to cover my giggle with a hand.

‘And as for why I told you..,’ she made an ‘hmm’ sound. ‘I don’t know. I don’t even know why I explained it to you. Would’ve been hilarious to watch you try and understand this on your own.’

‘Gee, thanks,’

‘Sorry, sorry,’ she giggled, then went serious again, ‘I’ve always wanted to tell someone. Share the burdensome knowledge, like my mother used to say.’ She made air quotations when she said ‘burdensome’. Her voice sounded wrong, somehow, but I didn’t tell her that.

‘And you made me feel like talking. I don’t know why.’ Her eyes searched my face. I couldn’t look away from her.

‘And it’s a bother to hide another body,’ she added, thumbing at a patch of grass between us. She glanced up to see me gape at her and burst into a fit of laughter and doubled over.

‘You are the weirdest person I have ever seen in my life, holy shit. I’m joking!’ 

She had tears in the corners of her eyes that she wiped away as she stood up.

I probably looked dumb at that moment as I gazed up at her, unable to say anything. She helped me get up by giving me her hand. They were a lot softer than I imagined. She let go too soon.

‘Let’s go. Sun’s setting.’

‘Uh. Uh-huh.’ I stumbled after her as she walked fast up the hill through the road I came. It was like she deliberately put distance between us.

When we reached the stone pavement that led to the main hall, she grasped my hand again and halted my step. She stepped in front of me, sun shining down on her face from over my head.

‘I know you already promised, but please…’ her voice was very soft suddenly, vulnerable. ‘This is important to me.’ She was so close and the inclined road added even more to our height difference so I had to look up at her. I gripped her hand.

‘Your secret is safe with me. I don’t have anyone who’ll listen and no one will believe me anyway. You can continue being an undercover superhero.’

‘Superhero?’ her eyes shone with amusement, ‘That’s a new one.’

‘You are! You help people by storing away evil emotions and prevent a lot of sadness and pain in people’s lives, but keep it a secret. That’s pretty noble if you ask me.’

She gave me a funny look, and I was horrified about my rambling. But then she chuckled so quietly, I almost didn’t hear her. It was filled with warmth, rather than amusement. She stepped away then, released my hand. I missed the warmth. We continued walking back.

‘Thanks—‘ 

I glanced at her as she paused.

‘What? What is it?’

‘I don’t know your name,’ she gave me a sheepish smile. ‘I’m bad with them. Names, I mean,’

I never really liked my name, the sound of it and how short and unnoticeable it was. I only felt enthusiasm as I told her.

‘Nina. Nina Romanova.’


	2. Quiet

Later as I walked back to my dorm, I pinched myself. I just met the most enigmatic person in the world, saw her do magic and had her laughing. I pinched myself quite painfully, held it until I was sure it had actually happened. I talked to Irene Hikari and she turned out to be a freaking fairy tale character. Talk about a weird day.

I could barely sleep that night, mind too engrossed in what took place and, as usual, what I did weirdly or wrong when I was there with her. Couldn’t help slapping myself on the forehead for how awkward my first words to her were. I should have been more considerate, should’ve asked more subtly and carefully, I groaned into my pillow. 

I rolled around in bed for hours until uneasy sleep overtook.

 

The next day I found her in Psychology, next to the seat I usually took. She gave me a short glance as I came up to her, nodded, and then continued doing something on her phone. I noted how unusually close she sat to the teacher’s desk and realized that I was probably the reason behind that. There were a lot of free spaces, and she could’ve sat back where she always did, which was 5 rows behind me, in the last one. Yet here she was, right in the teacher’s face, by my side. I pretended to dig in my bag, so she wouldn’t see my giddy smile.

Irene had headphones in, so I didn’t try talking to her and simply waited for class, doodling in my textbook. 

She looked better today, more collected and comfortably clothed. A woolen sweater and worn-looking jeans. I am not to talk about fashion, but the effortlessness with which she pulled off this out-of-style outfit made me jealous. 

I wanted to feel the baggy cuffs of the sweater. Before I could do something that embarrassing though, the professor walked in. I nudged her and pointed to the teacher. She pulled her earpieces out. I heard a snippet of something POP-y before she closed the music app. My face must’ve shown curiosity because she flipped her phone down.

‘It’s Bruno Mars,’ she explained. ‘I may look edgy, but I’m not crazy enough not to like his stuff.’

I snorted and turned toward the teacher, pretending I didn’t see her embarrassed flush.

She continued following me for the rest of the day to whatever class we shared. Mostly in headphones, but sometimes not; silent at all times. 

My hands were sweaty and I kept opening and closing my mouth. No matter how different Irene from what I thought of her, I still wasn’t ready to not struggle to start a conversation. 

Nothing in this world is worse to me than being silent when I’m around someone new. I feel words start up and die in my throat as we walk to the dining hall. 

As we reach the large doors to it I finally asked:

‘Why are you with me all day today?’

I bit the inside of my cheek, in the same spot I did yesterday and tasted metal. It was a nervous habit I’ve developed some years before. It leaves constant reminders of my unsureness on the inside of my mouth raw, so often I couldn’t remember what it was like without the ache. 

The noise of chatter behind the doors didn’t help my anxiety. I prayed nobody opened the door, or it would hit me and made me look even stupider in front of her.

‘I’m hanging with you.’ She wouldn’t even look at me as she said that, meaning it was that casual for her. She reached for the door handle.

‘Hanging? Why?’

She dropped her hand and raised an eyebrow, ‘What, I can’t do that?’

Irene looked slightly offended then, but also like she shrunk into herself. I rushed in to take back what I said.

‘No, no, no! I didn’t mean that I don’t want you around. You are great company! You are cool.’ I couldn’t look her in the eyes. ‘I’m just worried you’re only walking to me because you want to spy on me! To see that I’m not being weird about yesterday. That’s the only reason, I swear! I just don’t want you to do things you don’t want to.’ I mumbled the last part and looked away.

She laughed at that, making my eyes snap back to her. Her eyes crinkled and she looked exasperated. It made her look younger, almost childish. Her eyes searched my face.

‘Thanks for the compliment, weirdo,’ she patted my shoulder. ‘No, I’m not around to spy. I trusted you the first time you promised to keep my secret. I just wanted to be the first one too.’

‘Huh? ‘The first one’? First what?’

‘The first person for you. I mean, in some way, at least.’ Her face colored. ‘You said that you didn’t even have anyone to share my secret with. That there was no one who’d listen…’ she tugged on a lock of her hair. ‘So I want to be the first person for you to tell. Who you’d rush to gossip with.’ 

‘You are the first one to know my big secret. Even if it was an accident, it’s still important to me. ’

There was a long pause as I gaped at her. I seemed to do that a lot if I think about it. 

I never expected those words. Not from anyone like her.

If someone asked those who know me for one special quirk or thing I have, they’d be met with shrugs and humorous answers of how I was too ‘normal’ to be weird or to have an inside joke about. I was the person who you save with their actual name in the contacts in an otherwise emoji and nickname filled list.   
That’s what I always thought I was. But as I stare in the lovely dark eyes, I let myself believe that I might be special. Irene’s eyes held no sympathy or pity, but acceptance and familiarity. I wasn’t a charity case or a sad burden, but important.

I may have fractured some of her ribs in my hug after those words. It was the most impulsive thing I’ve done in a while. This girl made me not think at all, I thought. Her arms came up around me. The silence made me feel at peace.

The moment was broken though, as an angry yell resonated from behind the door and a second later the door was slammed open and a boy ran out. Another guy came out and yelled after him, ‘Don’t fucking show up if you are not gonna make yourself useful, you asshole!’

I was about to address the fuming guy but caught the look on Irene’s face. She looked alert, her hand curled against her chest. The shape she squeezed with her palm made my eyes snap to the hall the boy had run through.

‘Irene. Irene, could this be—?’ She cut me off by squeezing my upper arm.

‘Not sure. Too soon to say. Let’s go.’ She pulled me into the hall and as we were swarmed by people our conversation was over.

After having lunch, we decided to head out to the library. (It was spaghetti, by the way, and it was beyond me how people in America manage to make even spaghetti gross.) She mentioned something about wanting to borrow books and do researchers for a music lecture. Right, she was a music theory major, I remembered and tried to think of anything I can say about it to strike a conversation. Unfortunately, my knowledge of music boiled down to Russian pop stars and maybe a dozen songs in English.

We had learned that the fight had been between some sophomores. Something about a lost game, but I couldn’t catch what exactly, as everyone tried to deliver the story to Irene, ending up in a whirlwind of intangible yelling. Irene pulled me out of the crowd by hand, huffing in annoyance. She muttered about gossipers as we left the dining hall.

That was how we ended up huddled in the library in a much wanted quiet. We had managed to snag the best spot in the whole place: a small table in the far corner, right next to a window. It was breezy, well-lit and far away from noises out in the hallway.

I’m not an honors student by far, but I liked my privacy, especially in studying and reading. The smallest thing could distract me from studying, so I always made sure to be alone whenever I had a test or a paper to read.

However, I wasn’t exactly alone then. Irene sat one chair away, feet resting on the one next to me, flipping through a heavy looking tom. It was something about the 18th century and looked frankly boring, but as I watched her eyes dance around the page in concentration, I wanted to ask questions. Also, I wanted to hear her voice for a bit more.

I stopped my thoughts then and turned abruptly back to my own materials. It was one I had been most excited to start, ‘Chekhov’s Garden’, a book on Russian drama history and theory. I loved drama enough to choose a major based on it and the familiarity of learning about a fellow Russian made this book even easier to read. If I wasn’t next to Irene, that is. Not with her seated facing me and making me feel like her eyes were on my face. I kept trying to push stray hair behind my ears. I cursed myself for being too lazy to wash my head that morning.

As I bashed myself, she tapped my arm with her foot. ‘Loony.’

‘Ye-yeah?’

She tipped her head in the direction of the window behind her. ‘Can you close it? Those assholes are loud and I’m in the zone.’

‘What zone? ’

‘Study one. Now please.’

I walked around the table and peered out. I remembered the only downside of the good corner. It opened up right into the football field two stories down. 

I recognized some of the players from the writing seminars I took with the sophomore year. That year was also famous for taking the most seats in the team, which infuriated freshmen to no end. 

I scanned for the sophomore I saw at the dining hall. I’ve caught only a glimpse of him, but I could tell he wasn’t there. 

I watched them for a bit more, for the sake of deciding whether it really is worth running around sweaty in late fall. I decided no, as one guy collided with another, both tumbling into the dirt so hard, I felt the impact in my own bones. I didn’t understand the enjoyment football, and why Americans preferred it over less brutal soccer. At least you could get away with whole limbs.

‘See someone you like?’

‘Huh?’

She was still seating facing away from the window, and for a second I thought she was talking to someone else.

‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean, is there anyone you’re interested in out there? I heard the team is full of handsome guys.’

She still wouldn’t look at me. I felt bile rise up in my throat. I bit the inside of my cheek.

‘You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I don’t really care.’ Somehow the way she said that sounded wrong. As if she was trying to make words empty by saying them in a light tone. It didn’t suit her.

‘No, it’s not that. I don’t…’ I took a steadying breath, ‘I’m not watching anyone. How do you even know it’s someone, not something? I could be watching the woods for all you know.’ I sounded aggressive, I knew that, but it was the one thing I didn’t want her to misunderstand.

‘You are standing there for quite a bit now. So I just assumed.’ She sounded defensive.

‘No, no, it’s not anyone specifically. I was just thinking about what happened today at the cafeteria. Was pretty dramatic, so I just thought…’ is this for you to fix?

‘Don’t bother yourself with this.’ Her voice was sharp, a warning. ‘This is my job and mine only. You shouldn’t get involved, Nina.’

I wanted to protest, but couldn’t. Another player skidded into the dirt. I soothed the raw skin of my cheek. I bit too hard.

There was a quiet moment where only rustling of paper could be heard.

‘Alright.’ I finally said.

‘Good.’ The weight returned to her words and lifted off of my chest. Then she added:

‘I have to go talk to those meatheads now. They all look so gross when they practice. Who the hell decided that sports make men attractive?’ She made a gagging noise.

‘I know right?!’ I exclaimed. Immediately I was shot by a number of ‘Shush!’s and glares from tables around.

I sat down and hid my burning face, but the stifled giggles that erupted next to me made a smile crawl up on my face.


	3. Fortress

I promised her not to get involved. I looked her in the eyes and promised. Guilt burned in my chest as I waved goodbye to her. I found myself on the field the next day, watching the football practice. 

Irene had rehearsals with the university’s band for the upcoming march. It was held each year to honor the beginning of the winter season, so she couldn’t get away, not from the sport-obsessed staff. 

She said she wouldn’t be around for a few days. Her mouth was downturned as she said that and it made my stomach feel strange. Still, I knew it was an opportunity for me to strike. 

I sat on the bleachers carefully scanning the players, running over the information Irene gave about the energy. She had refused at first, but my silence must’ve made her guilty, so she briefly explained. 

She explained that to identify the source of the negativity first you must be sure whether it is prevalent enough to form a cluster of energy and is not just a passing emotion of a single individual. People get angry and upset and sad a lot, and it doesn’t always lead to the affectation of all around, she said casually, as if it was common knowledge. 

If it turns out to be a disorder, then the root, therefore the person who started the chain, must be found by the crystal wielder. Irene made a show of emphasizing ‘wielder’ and gave me a pointed look.

‘I’ll check on this myself, Nina. I can tell it’s not strong, this disorder if it even is one. I’ll deal with it alone. I’ll see you tomorrow.’ Irene had walked away, minutes before I came to the field.

The biggest lead I had is the fact that it’s something that would first influence the football team, before anyone else, I mussed. I just had to find out who started it and for what reason.

Or if it even is there, Nina, my voice of reason reminded. 

I had better things to do after all. Midterms coming up and the bombarding of essays for the writing seminar loomed over me. I could be in my room revising or at least relaxing before my coming all-nighters. But I thought of how surprised Irene would be if I showed her how great I was, and I knew it was too late. I was too curious to back out. 

I stood up abruptly and nearly toppled forward as I saw the players begin finishing up. There was my chance to get information. I thought of how exhausted Irene suddenly looked when we saw the running boy.

I’m sorry, Irene, but I have to break my promise, I whispered internally as I strode down to the bench.

Five people gathered around it, while the rest were already making their way to the showers. I noted how hunched and slow their steps were. I wondered whether it was from exhaustion only.

I knew two of the players on the bench: Cornell Tremble (or ‘Corn’ as everyone called him) and Kanan Alshaawi. Luckily, players I didn’t know were already following the rest of the team. The fact that I didn’t have to talk to strangers made me more confident.

I was close to Corn, closer to than any guy I’ve met since I came to university. He was always in the science hall with Mrs. Tremble, his mother, and that was how we met. He had been there the day I came to see her. He was also present when I explained to her who I was. From then on, he became one of the closest people to me, which, to other people’s standards, isn’t that close. We couldn’t be due to our different years and very different majors.

Kanan was a fellow freshman who I shared some lectures with. He was one of the only students, like me, who sat in front. I had some brief conversations with him about classes, and we exchanged notes from time to time.

After brief consideration, I decided that Kanan would be the one I ask. I inhaled and forced a wide smile on my face. Luckily the way I acted around those two was pretty similar.

‘Hey!’ I waved cheerily and jogged up to them.

‘What’s up, Nina?’ Corn grinned. 

Corn was a stocky guy, tall and built like a train. He had the typical 4os American country boy look, with sandy blond hair and blue eyes, fun personality. Country Chris Evans, sighed half the girls at the seminar. I wasn’t one of them, so I was the only girl Corn sat next to at the seminars. They’re not overly invasive, but still kinda uncomfortable to be around, y’know? He told me then.

‘Nothing much, really. Hey, Kanan.’

He gave me a curt nod and continued toweling off.

He was the complete opposite of Corn. Lean and brown-skinned, and almost a head shorter; I wondered how someone built like him can play American football. Kanan had the typical brooding emo look and a glare to match. I liked being around him because even though I chose to act like a chirpy person around him, I could get a breather in the comfortable silence that usually surrounded him. And he was nice, a lot nicer than anyone could tell. If I had a worse night than usual, he’d notice immediately and offer medicine. Both parents are doctors, he’d say, any medicine always on me.

‘What brings you here on this lovely afternoon?’ Corn asked. 

Corn is a good guy, but kind of naïve. Won’t be a problem if I cut to the chase.

‘The thing is, I wanted to ask about what happened yesterday. You probably heard, right? At the dining hall?’

‘Ah, the Jeremy incident,’ Corn took a gulp of water, then continued, ‘Didn’t know it caused that much commotion.’

‘It didn’t really, I was just curious.’ I tried to make my tone as lighthearted as possible.

‘Oooh, a gossip girl, are we?’ he said, chuckling. He had a natural laugh, loud and brash, even too loud for some. I liked the genuine notes of it, though.

‘Nah, not really,’ I waved my hand dismissively, made sure to giggle too. ‘I just wanted to know if the guy was ok.’

‘Aren’t you nice.’ Kanan spoke, and I almost jumped, having forgotten briefly of him. For anyone who didn’t know Kanan, it would’ve sounded condescending, but I knew he genuinely meant what he said. Dammit, I planned to ask him in the first place, too. Corn is nice, but not a good source in something like a scandal. Quick, change course.

‘You flatter me.’ I gave him a sheepish grin. ‘But you do know something, don’t you?’

Kanan hummed, ‘It was a fight between that Jeremy and the captain. About his performances lately. You won’t get it.’ His voice was flat, but not mean. I pushed down my growing irritation.

‘Oh, come ooon. Tell me! Pleeease…’ I gave him my best puppy eyes, internally gagging at myself. He gave me a long look. There it is.

One problem I had with Kanan is that I always felt like he could see right through me. He gave me this occasional looks like he was trying to see something beyond my expression. Like he was reading me like a book. It unnerved me to no end.

My act seemed to work this time though, as he sighed and sat down, despite all of his stuff having been packed.

‘Jeremy is our quarterback. In short, a very important position. His performance has a lot of impact on the whole team's vibe and game. And he is good,’ A brief look of irritation and something else passed over his face, ‘But lately he’s been slacking off. And not just occasionally, but all the time. He won’t come to practice, saying he’s trained enough and can just come to games. How arrogant is that?!’ I nodded solemnly and urged him to go on.

‘The last straw for the captain was yesterday. He showed up hung over and snapped at a newbie. Told him they are not as good anyway. The poor guy nearly burst in tears and the captain socked Jeremy in the face… You don’t know the captain, but he’s the calmest, most responsible person in this goddamn place. And everyone knew that, so everyone just froze. I did too.’

Kanan looked more upset by the minute and I felt guilt prick at me. Whatever relationship Kanan had with the Jeremy guy it was important to him. But I had to know.

‘Jeremy is a piece of shit for all of this, but…If only you saw his face…I’ve never seen such an expression on his face.’ Kanan clutched the towel that had just been around his neck tightly until his knuckles were ivory. And that was when it hit me.

‘You really care about him, don’t you?’ I blurted out. He looked up at me and I gave him a smile. My real one, this time. He stared at me for a moment, expression confused, then looked away. His cheeks were red, and not just from exertion.

‘Have you talked to him?’ I sat next to him. Corn, I noticed, was putting away some scattered equipment. A part of me was glad I was the only one Kanan was speaking to at that moment. Like he trusted me.

‘No. I can’t. Not me. You know how I am.’

I raised my eyebrows, ‘Well apparently I don’t since I don’t know what you mean.’

‘You know what I mean! Others tried to, but he won’t talk to anyone. Even Corn tried to, but he shut the door in his face. Like hell he’ll listen to me.’

Kanan looked vulnerable, more vulnerable than I have ever seen him. So I put my hand on his arm and made him look at me.

‘You can do it. At the very least, you should try. Or you might come to regret not doing anything.’ A familiar edge of pain pricks in my chest. I felt Corn’s eyes on me, but couldn’t meet them. He must’ve been in the earshot just now. It wasn’t the time for pity.

Kanan must’ve noticed, for how the look in his eyes changed. He didn’t comment, for which I was grateful. He really was my type of person. I should try to speak to him normally next time. The way I want to talk.

Kanan closed his eyes then, inhaled and opened them again, ’Okay,’

He stood up and began walking in the direction of the dorms. ‘Thank you.’ He said without turning back.

I was almost at ease then, when something hit me. I forgot an important part.

‘Wait, Kanan!’

He was already quite far away, but he still heard me and turned to me.

‘Was everyone affected by this? Like badly or?!’ Self-consciousness edged on me as I yelled almost halfway across the field. My voice probably sounded awful.

‘Obviously, everyone was! The season is gonna start soon and we lost a vital player! Besides he was always the loud one, the center of attention so it took a toll on the guys, I guess. Why, you gonna go comfort other guys?’ I could see the judging eyebrow rise.

A smile crawled up my face without me noticing, ‘You’re just a special case! I only like comforting girls!’

I laughed at his gaping face.

I turned to look at Corn next to me and gave him a wide smile. I felt like I couldn’t contain myself.

‘I told him!’ I exclaimed. Corn laughed and patted my shoulder.

‘I’m happy for you! Kanan is a great guy and he gets it. More than I thought at least. Him and Jeremy… That’s an interesting turn.’ He chuckled. When he saw my questioning look, he clarified, ‘The two don’t have the best history. A lot of conflicts. Very different personalities. But I guess that’s what drew them together.’

I watched Kanan’s retreating dot. I wondered if I would walk to see her the same way.

‘So…how’s your crush?’

I punched his arm instinctively. He flinched away, laughing in surprise.

‘Don’t you dare.’ I crossed my arms and turned away. The cold wind felt nice against my burning face.

‘Why? You shy? A lot more childish than you let on, Nina!’ he gave me an impish grin, which shouldn’t have suited his giant form. 

‘Corn!’

‘Ok, ok…But you gotta tell me one day, come around the lab. You don’t visit Mom anymore. She’s been missing you.’ He walked back to the bench and swung his bag over his shoulder.

‘I will. I promise.’ 

He gave me a wave and felt bad for hitting him. I made way to the road Kanan walked on. Time to find Irene.


	4. Stitches

As I rounded the corner to the music auditorium I saw the students begin walking away in different directions, some in mine, some to the dorms. So the class had ended. I scanned the crowd for a blue flop of hair and easily found her, lagging behind others, already stuffing earpieces in her ears. I made a beeline for her.

She didn’t seem to notice me approaching since she yelped when I tapped on her shoulder. She pulled the pieces out. Irene raised an eyebrow at my panting form. I stifled the anxiety of looking weird where everyone could see me. 

‘Irene!’ I exclaimed. A smile was stuck on my face and I couldn’t do anything about it. 

‘Yup, that’s me.’ She replied dryly, but a small smile played on her lips. She adjusted the backpack over her shoulder and gestured to the corridor that led to the dorms with her thumb. I walked in step with her, bursting to tell her about what I found out. The stifling warmth contrasted the cold that stood outside, making it hard for me to calm my breathing.

‘So what’s up with the giddy attitude? You look more alive than I’ve ever seen you.’ Irene joked. The wings of her eyebrows were perfect as usual, and the hoodie she wore looked illegally good. When I wore hoodies I looked like I had just rolled out of bed.

‘Well, I have some news!’ I was forcing myself not to tell her that instant. 

‘Oh, I’m already worried.’ Her voice was still teasing, but a note of curiosity was now present in her voice.

‘I found out about what happened the other day!’ I declared.

She gave me a confused look, ‘Care to elaborate?’

‘You know, what happened at the cafeteria. With the football players. I managed to dig out some info.’

I expected a look of gratitude and even hoped for awe, but the emotion that washed over her face made my stomach drop and my smile to falter. She look shocked and disbelieving, yes, but in a bad way. A very bad way. She halted her step. Some people bumped into me as I stopped as well.

‘And why the fuck did you do that?’ her voice was cold, almost as cold as the first day we met. I shrunk back from her.

‘I-I asked someone I know on the team. About what happened. Who the guy was and stuff…’ I hung my head and fidgeted with my fingers. My teeth found the flesh of the inside of my cheek.

She sighed, a loud sound, ‘Nina, I asked you—no I told you not to meddle. This is my job and you have no role in it.’

While the coldness in her tone subsided, something worse took place. Irene was disappointed in me. I felt prickles behind my eyes and my throat hurt.

‘I just wanted to help…I knew some of the guys after all…I-I just wanted to make this easier for you.’ I cringed at the crack in my voice. ‘I wasn’t going to get in your way. I just wanted to help.’

It was silent for a minute. When I finally pushed back the tears that threatened to spill I looked up at her and caught her stare. She sighed again, more in defeat now.

‘Well, tell me then.’ She leaned against the wall next to me and turned to look at me. Her eyes very nearly pitch black in the half-lit hallway. It was already outside, but the light wasn’t turned on yet. It was justified since it was after class hours in the classroom-only wing.

She sounded mad and I regretted everything. I realized how pushy I was. Some stranger she barely knew trying to play sidekick. She’s not Lila. Don’t chase her.

‘So I asked Kanan and Corn—another freshman and a sophomore about this, they’re acquaintances, but that’s not really important—anyway, I asked them and Kanan said it’s the quarterback, that got into a fight with the captain.’ I said all of that in one breath. All of my previous excitement gone, I found it hard to talk with a wobbly voice.

‘Apparently, Jeremy—the quarterback—hasn’t been playing well these past few weeks. He skipped practice and only agreed to play in official matches. Kanan said it was unusual for him, as he is the star boy of the team and a nice guy. And then the fight got worse in the cafeteria, where he harassed some team member and the captain told him to leave.

Irene tapped her chin in thought, ‘Did Kanan say anything about the rest of the team, specifically. Anyone else being weird?’

‘No, but he said that the team took it badly. I saw it too! Everyone left the field so fast like they were trying to run. Even the captain wasn’t there when I came down.’ I said. Just in case, I added:

‘Kanan was the saddest I think. I think he…cares about that Jeremy guy more than just a teammate. But he wasn’t weird. Just sad.’

Irene stayed silent for a solid minute or two. Then she kicked herself off the wall and said:

‘It’s not the full-out spread I expected, probably an internal.’ She muttered the last part. An internal? 

‘Seems like the guy is affected already if it’s unusual behavior for him. Better stop it before it gets to people outside of the team. And the still unaffected players too. You said two players stayed behind?’

‘Yeah. Corn and Kanan. They both seemed normal.’ I watched the line of tension between her eyebrows. I wished I didn’t feel as awful as I did, yet I knew I couldn’t waste time moping. I was involved at this point, and I had to redeem myself.

Irene nodded slowly and hummed. Suddenly a thought lit up in my mind.

‘There might even be a chance for resolving it without it!’

Her expression froze and she stared at me, ‘What do you mean?’

‘You said it yourself, didn’t you? That some conflicts are not major enough for the crystal. If the team isn’t that affected yet, then you might not need to force yourself to waste time on this!’

‘What are you suggesting?’ her tone was very careful, but I didn’t notice it right away.

‘I said I talked to the guys, right? Well, Kanan seems to be close to him and wanted to go and help…him…’ My voice once again broke as she her eyes widened. Except that the face wasn’t reproachful or annoyed. She looked frightened.

‘He went to the affected guy’s dorm?’ her voice was a hiss.

I didn’t answer. She grabbed me by the shoulders. ‘Did he?’

I nodded shakily, ‘Wha-what’s happening?’

She released my shoulder and ripped her crystal out of her pocket. She stared at it for a second, then ran in the direction of the dorms. I ran after her.

She was almost jumping down the stairs, grappling on the rails and swinging herself down.

‘Why are we—Where—what’s gonna happen to them—?’ I yelled after her, barely running quick enough to see her disappear behind the next set of stairs. Why did the music auditorium have to be on the eighth floor and the corridor to dorms on the first floor?

‘If we don’t get there quick enough…!’ she yelled back. My blood ran cold.

‘What?! What then?!’ She was on the third floor and I was on fourth and I almost tripped a few times, but nothing in that moment mattered besides the horror that ran through me. I didn’t even know what the problem was, but the fear on Irene’s face scared me enough to just follow her.

‘What then?!’ I screamed again, throat in a freezing pain from the force of my voice and the cold air that I gulped.

‘It’ll be too late!’ she screamed and slammed the giant doors that stood before the stairs and strode to the door that stood on the opposite wall. I panted heavily as we ran through the hall of the dorms. Thankfully, all of the older students secured their rooms with their names on the doors. It was a way to make sure they stay in that same room if they choose to get their masters at the same university. They also got the first floor, as a privilege of older students, leaving freshman to climb up to higher floors.

Irene slowed her pace to a brisk walk as she looked over the names.

‘Jeremy? It was Jeremy, wasn’t it? Surname?’

‘I don’t—Don’t— know,’ I panted heavily and matched her steps.

She cursed, ‘There could be hundreds of Jeremy's in this goddamn place!’

She said that but still muttered all of the names we passed. I scanned the names as well. Thomas, Zachary, Elena, Lin, Daisy, Keith, etc., etc. No Jeremy's. 

We almost reached the end of the first floor when we heard a bang and the door a few feet before us rattled.

‘There!’ Irene yelled and ran to it. I too hurried over and stood before the door. It read ‘Jeremy Espinoza’.

I reached for the handle, but Irene gripped my arm.

‘Stay back. This time it is dangerous. Not a fluke anymore. I can feel it.’ She breathed out and clutched her crystal, which she had probably put around her neck somewhere in the middle of running.

I didn’t understand what she meant. I opened my mouth ask her, but a wave of heat exploded in my chest. I clutched it and hissed. Irene steadied me by the arm. I looked up at her giving me a strange look.

‘This is…?’ I croaked out. Another thud shook the door.

‘The…the energy, one that’s possessed Jeremy. It took form of anger and disordered him. But for you to feel it this sharply,’ she clutched my arm tighter as another whimper escaped me. ‘Without a crystal too…’

‘Are they…?’ I gritted out and placed a hand against the wall to steady myself. 

‘Yeah… Kanan is probably affected too now.’ Agitation took over her face, ‘That why I told you not to meddle, you idiot. You sent the worst person possible, someone who feels the strongest about the victim! Lucky if they can still have control themselves.’

‘Then why are—‘a sharp twist, like a knife cutting through my lungs, ‘why are we standing?! We have to—have to go in, I have to—! My fault…!’ I desperately clutched the handle. A growl vibrated through the door. Irene grasped me around the stomach and dragged me back to the opposite wall. I tried to resist but the farther I got from the door the duller the pain felt. I choked on a gasp as Irene dumped me on the floor.

‘Now’s not the time! You’re in no shape.’ She spoke to me, but her gaze stood unmoving on the rattling door. ‘And you don’t want to see this…’

I clutched at her cuff as she took a step away from me.

‘Don’t look.’

I couldn’t though, because as she ripped the door open Kanan stumbled out. Before I could cry out to him his eyes met mine. My voice died in my throat. Inhuman fury burned in his eyes. He advanced on me.


	5. Kimi no Shiranai Monogatari

Time seemed to slow.

There’ve been a number of instances in my life where I found myself faced with death. Yes, as unrealistic and almost cringy that sounds, I’ve been in a peril more than an average person. A big part of it was my curiosity and inability to not meddle. From the time I fell from the second floor trying to catch a butterfly, to the time I spent two days at the hospital because I ate spoiled products because I wanted to know how bad they taste. So, yes, my curiosity is what will get me killed one day. However, as Kanan strode to me, eyes glazed over and fists raised, I wished that it wasn’t today.

He was staggering, hands outstretched, eyes murderous. He was still in his sportswear, so it almost looked like he was about to tackle me, the way they usually do in football. The thought was disturbingly funny to me.

He was gritting his teeth hard, the sound of clacking teeth sending shivers down my spine. But then I noticed that he wasn’t just clicking his teeth together. He was hissing out words so quietly, I wouldn’t have heard if not for the tunnel vision that fear awaked in me.

‘Interrupted… You... Almost..!’

Before I could try and say anything, Irene slammed into him with her side and sent him tumbling away. He let out an inhuman screech and that’s was when they heard another enraged scream.

‘WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU BITCHES TRYINNA DO?’ 

Jeremy stepped out of the room. Now that I was looking at him I recognized him. I never knew his name before, but he was the loudest person on the team, always with a company, telling jokes in a loud voice. His jokes were usually followed by groans and ‘shut up!’s but I could tell he loved it. I had bumped into him once and he had helped me pick up my books. As ‘teen romance meet scene’ that was, I didn’t pay much mind to him.

When I saw him for the first time I thought how nice it would be to be around someone like him. I couldn’t even hope to have enough confidence to act like he did. I never tried to approach him, because even with my ability to get through basically anyone, I was cautious of him. He was someone too bright. Even if he bragged to those around or sometimes took jokes too far, he still had this horrifying ability to be endlessly likable. Even his awful jokes couldn’t stop that.

But now, Jeremy looked like a mere shadow of that image. He was propping himself up, hand on the wall, legs shaking almost violently. A sweater hung loosely on his slumped shoulders. My eyes shot to the blood stain on it. His usually cinnamon colored face was ashy and dry, bags under his eyes visible from where I sat. 

He looked more like a corpse than a person. Still, the sheer volume of his voice spoke of much energy bursting just under the surface.

‘Who the fuck sent you cows here? This piece of shit too. Stumbled in, talking about the team and hard work and bullshit like that. Never knew he was a pussy like that.’ 

He glowered in the general direction of where Kanan lay thrashing under Irene, who was trying hold him down. She was chanting too. The intangible murmur gave me a burst of courage.

‘How dare you?!’ I yelled. The pain in my chest was suddenly overtaken by boiling anger for Kanan. ‘He came to help you…!’ 

Something, some sudden burst of energy pulled me to my feet. Blinding fury took over me. I bared my teeth and clenched my fist hard.

What was I angry about? I couldn’t remember. Does it matter? I just want to smash this asshole's face in.

I almost did that, but the sound of my name stopped me. My heart jumped. My eyes turned toward the girl a few feet away.

Who is she? Do I want to break all of her bones? Is everything her fault? Before my mind could answer a wave of cold washed over me.

It’s affecting you too! Don’t give in, Nina!

It felt like a bucket of freezing water was poured on me. I felt my back hit a wall.

What was that?

‘Irene, what—?’

‘His anger! It is in the virus state now. It almost got you. Don’t talk to h—Argh!’ Kanan finally broke out from under Irene by elbowing her. She rolled off of him with a grunt. I started towards her, but Kanan grabbed me by the arm.

‘You…’ he growled. I struggled to get his hand off of me. Even if he did look like he was about to either bust my head open or strangle me, he did look somehow calmer. The chants…If she can finish them!

I stopped struggling.

‘What’s—What’s up, Kanan?’ I tried. With the corner of my eye, I spied Jeremy, now fully leaning on the wall, head in his hands. Groans of pain escaped him.

‘You…It’s your fault. I came here and he got angry at me,’ he gripped my arm tighter. ‘You told me to come. Your fault! He hates me because of you. Your fault, your fault…’ A chill went down my spine at the way he growled the last word. The fog over his eyes seemed to rise again, making my hand instinctively grasp at his hold. His fingers were iron around me, digging in harshly.

I saw a flash of blue behind Kanan. Irene. She was waiting for him to let go of me. He would hurt me if she tackled him now, I sensed her thoughts. Almost as fast as I understood her silence, I knew what I had to do. 

Sorry, Kanan. I pleaded internally.

‘Yeah, it is my fault,’ he growled again, but a note of satisfaction rang through it. He liked that he was right. ‘But it is yours too.’

Any other person in blind rage would’ve probably snapped my neck then. But I knew Kanan enough to understand that even in life and death situations he is calculating. That was made me shocked initially when I heard of his concern and care for the half-conscious boy behind him. Before he was almost like a robot to me, and I envied his complete control of emotions. Yet here he was overcome with rage, a different person.

‘Why?!’ He brought me face to face with him so I had to stand on the balls of my feet. His breath smelled. I tried not to wrinkle my nose.

‘Well, what do you want Jeremy to think? You are standing so close to another person right now, while he is standing right there. You probably told him I gave you the advice too.’

‘I—I did.’ His voice sounded almost normal then, but the mist in his eyes persisted. ‘He started throwing things at me.’

I couldn’t stop my eyebrows from rising. So Jeremy got angry because of that? 

‘Exactly! What do want him to think? He probably thinks you are just taking pity on him. That you’re here just to tame him like he’s a wild dog.’ I knew I was trying to distract him, but I believed what I said. And by with way Jeremy lifted his head slightly at my words confirmed everything. So Jeremy was at least a little bit aware of everything.

‘No—no, I’m not, I was not—!’ he was looking away from me now, eyes having jumped off to Jeremy. My arm was still in his tight grip. Almost.

‘Oh my god! You are! How awful of you, Kanan! I believed you were the honest type. Leading someone on like that… Seems like I was wrong about Kanan, huh, Jeremy?’ I mock gasped in horror, but the hypnotized Kanan was a dumb Kanan I realized.

‘No! No, shit, she is not! Jeremy, listen—‘ he let go of my arm and it was over for him.

Irene landed a crunching hit on his jaw and he staggered back and fell. She was over him in seconds and jumped into her chanting, voice echoing loudly, while he was still disoriented. I quickly made my way to Jeremy.

He looked even sicker, shallow breathing and cross-eyed. He was weakly grasping at the door handle, like he was trying to escape. I pulled his hand away and cradled it in my own.

‘Jeremy? Can you hear me?’ I felt his forehead. Way too cold.

He blinked and I took it as a yes.

‘Are you—are you angry?’ I helped him to sit on the floor. He plopped down heavily, as I barely supported his weight. I cursed my twig-arms.

‘No.’ his voice was weak and croaky. It frightened me far more than his yelling had.

‘Just hang on. Irene is gonna help you. See, she is almost done with Kanan.’ His eyes slid toward the said boy. Something sparked in his glazed over eyes. He lifted a shaky hand, which flopped down almost immediately. 

Kanan was quiet now, not struggling. Irene’s voice now rang louder in the empty hall. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I question why nobody had found us by now. What would it look like for a bystander? A sportsman and a hobo trying to murder two girls.

Irene jumped to her feet so suddenly I almost yelped. She turned around and swiftly made her way to Jeremy, crouched before him. Her face was unusually pale, save for a few reds spots that stood out on her cheeks. She looked exhausted.

‘Irene, are you o—‘

‘I should’ve told you.’ she paused between her chants. Her tone was firm as she carefully hovered her crystal over Jeremy’s head, sliding slowly down his body. Tension left his body and he sagged against my shoulder.

‘Told me what?’

‘What consequences these rituals have. What can happen to people affected by the negative energy. What can happen to a person if I’m too late.’ Her voice broke on the last sentence. It made me realize just how many times episodes like that must’ve happened.

‘No, Irene, it’s my fault in the end. I rushed in. I thought that I might be of help, but, of course, I wasn’t.’ I locked eyes with her, ‘To you, I wasn’t a good help. I failed. I couldn’t—again, I—‘ A flood of tears broke from my eyes. All the adrenaline and horror and fright and worry came crashing on me. 

‘Please don’t cry!’ through blurry eyes, I caught sight of her worried face. Her free hand found mine.

‘You did what any selfless and kind person would.’ You’re wrong, Irene. I wouldn’t do it for any person, so I’m not kind. ‘I should’ve been more open with you.’ She looked away, ashamed.

‘I selfishly told you not to get involved. But how could you not? How could anyone, after finding something like this. I disregarded your feelings. If I had been more honest, you wouldn’t have had to witness all of this. I’m so so so so sorry, Nina.’ She bowed her head to me. I stared at her. The top of her head trembled.

‘Then,’ she looked up. I knew that assuring her that it wasn’t her fault will not lead anywhere, so instead, I opted for details on what just happened. ‘Tell me why Jeremy looked like he had just had a truck drive over him. And why Kanan was—‘ the guy in questioned groaned suddenly, ‘yeah, exactly, Kanan. What can—How? I thought that the crystal took care of the mass sadness or whatever. But it’s a freaking pacifier for the crazy apparently!’

Irene looked down, fiddled with the cuff of my jacket. She had finished whatever she was doing to Jeremy to help him. It seemed to have worked, as he lay quietly on my shoulder, snoring softly.

‘This was the problem that occurs sometimes in my job. The reason all of this is burdensome to me. If it was just absorbing whatever stress that was in the air then it would a piece of cake. Poof here, poof there. Everyone happy. But the thing is before this crystal can detect and react to an energy, it has to be strong enough, the energy. I can’t help just anyone even if I feel like their emotions can spread. Until there’s enough potential for it, the person has to continue bearing it. And the single moment of that horrific overdose is always too fast to decipher. Sometimes I’m too late…They become consumed.’

At the horror on my face, she backtracked, ‘But it’s not to say it’s always like this!’ She gestured to the unconscious boys. ‘No, usually they just get especially upset, they make people around notice it. There are times that whatever disorder grew in them watered down with whatever other emotion.’

‘But, the situation changes when other people get involved. Those close to the affected one.’ Her voice had an edge to it, full of sorrow. ‘No one can bear to see their precious ones in pain. Unknowingly, they fall under the influence of whatever possessed the person they love. It also causes side effects in the original vessel of the energy. They become incomprehensible, weak and exhausted. Whether it was anger, sadness or anxiety that took over them, it begins draining them of the rest of their mind, so it can transmute to another person.’

‘What about if it goes on to a third person? Will the same happen to the second person as to first?’ I thought of how I almost got caught up in anger.

Irene flinched. Her face twisted into a pained smile like she had expected me to ask that. Or that she feared I would. When she spoke, her voice was unrecognizable to me. I couldn’t tell what the emotion was behind them.

‘Only once. It happened only once, that a third person was exposed. No, the second person didn’t lose themselves. They were very upset, but stable physically. But the first person,’ her voice cracked. ‘She—she couldn’t bear her pain. She had already been under the disorder's effect before, so the sadness that spread to her friend was too much…L—she wanted to stop hurting…‘

I covered my mouth. Tears slipped out of my wide-open eyes.

‘Y-you mean—‘

‘I couldn’t save her.’ She placed her head in her palms. 

Suddenly I understood everything. How cautious she is. How scared she was of me telling anyone. How much this job, the one I took so lightly, spoke so stupidly and naively of, burdened her. How much pain and struggle she must endure. To erase terror and pain was to witness them, in so many people, for so many years.

Suddenly I was so angry at myself. I didn’t know anything and yet still butted in. Still acted like my help was anything but a sign of my own arrogance. 

This trembling sobbing girl probably carried that guilt alone, and for a while probably. She relieved everyone of their pain, and yet one failure caused her that much sorrow. Irene shouldered regret far beyond what I could even imagine and yet she was here. She was helping people still when she could’ve given up. She could’ve abandoned her job and wallowed in self-deprecation and despair. But she continued. She was trying to atone, I realized, she wanted to do all of her work alone so no one shares her trauma.

Irene Hikari was so strong, even as she shook with sobs.

I covered her hunched figure with my own and pressed my forehead against her cold shoulder. She pressed her face into the crook of my neck and it immediately grew wet with tears.

‘I’m so sorry it had to happen to you. It’s selfish of me but if I could make you forget…’ I tightened my arms around her as I whispered. ‘You saved this two today. You saved me from losing myself too. You stopped it this time. Jeremy is safe and alive. She may be gone, but we three are not. Because of you. So please…’

I pulled her face away from my shoulders and grasped her cheeks. Her face was blotchy and red. Her nose was running, her eyes were sore with tears. Irene’s face carried grief in the lines of her face. She looked wrecked. She looked like the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.

‘You’re okay, I’m…I’m here.’ her hair was matted with sweat under my palms.

We spent a long time there, crouched on the floor, quietly crying. We broke apart only when we heard noises coming down the hallway. So the students appear. Now that there was no danger and rage clouding my mind I realized that everyone was gone for dinner. 

I pull away from her. She looks reluctant to let go, but she seemed to have remembered the situation and scrambled up to her feet.

‘Let’s carry them in Jeremy’s room and let them rest. They will be fine in the morning. Maybe a bit dehydrated.’ Her voice was a bit rough and her face was puffy, but the determined look in her eyes indicated that she was back in action.

I grabbed Kanan by the armpits and dragged him inside. Aside from looking a bit under weather, he looked fine. Irene somehow managed to host up Jeremy and drag him upright and he was by very long and very not light. I knew since he had managed to slobber all over me in his sleep, before I abandoned him in favor of hugging Irene. The display of strength made my cheeks color.

We dropped them on Jeremy’s bed, making Kanan end up halfway on top of Jeremy.

‘Is it okay to leave them like that? No note, no nothing. Will they remember this tomorrow?’ I asked her, while I tried to clear whatever lay on the bed, to give them more room.

‘No, they won’t. Well, Kanan might but we’ll figure it out when they wake up. And if he doesn’t…worst case scenario, they’ll think they fucked.’ She shrugged.

‘Irene!’ I slapped her arm. She let out a snicker, but as Jeremy stirred she clamped it down.

‘Anyways, let’s get out of here. Enough adventures and angst for one day.’ She pushed her hands in her pockets and walked out, waving for me to follow.

‘Amen.’ I muttered and followed.


	6. Confession

That night, as usual, came the nightmares. Most were of my sister, but the faces of Kanan and Jeremy were mixed in now. 

I woke up in cold sweat. Heart drumming wildly, chest rising in pants, I turned on my side and let the remaining wetness slide out of my eyes. I grabbed my phone and checked the time. 

3 a.m.

Goddamit. 

I pushed myself out of the bed. I knew there was no use trying to sleep now. I made sure to pull out my chair and sit at my computer desk as quietly as possible, sneaking a peek at my roommate on the bed across from mine. I logged in and opened the photos I sent from my computer back at home.

For years now I suffered from nightmares. Some were fleeting, the ones every person occasionally has, full of spiders and darkness and falls. But most of the times, my nightmares were haunted by the events of five years prior. The fall of the year my sister died.

It has been so many years now, but as I fall asleep every night it feels like only moments have passed. I remember my mother’s face as she told me about her.

I had just come from my school field trip. I was so happy that day, having found rare leaves for my collection and spent time with my friends. I was honest in my relationships then. I ran to my room and dumped all of my stuff from my backpack. I began arranging the leaves, choosing which ones I would send to America, to Lila.

Then Mom came in my room. She was crying so I was worried already. My mother wasn’t a crier, yet her face was so red and puffy, I wouldn’t have recognized her were I in the street. I asked her what was wrong. She answered me.

It felt like I was drowning. I couldn’t hear, I couldn’t move. For a few seconds, I just stared at her, not understanding the words. My knees gave out. I began screaming. And screamed. And screamed. 

I’ve always been close to Lila, even if she was a lot older. She was my closest friend, my exploration partner. When I was younger I had a phase where I wanted to become an explorer when I grew up. I had a lot of books on geography and traveling, made my parents get me the gear you see in every adventure themed movie, insisted on weekly trips to the country. I kept a diary, which I would always make a show of opening and beginning to write down interesting things I’ve seen that day in. 

In turn, the explorations spurted my danger-seeking personality. I scaled trees, dug in the dirt, put every other thing in my mouth. My parents, unable to keep track of me, pleaded with Lila to watch over me. She was the one who called the ambulance when I fell from the second floor and had that terrible food poisoning. Lila humored me a lot, as the older one, but I knew that a part of her was enjoying digging in the dirt with me. She helped me reach branches I couldn’t, corrected my spelling in my diary, and argued with me about where we should go next. 

In my mind, she knew everything, could do everything. Whenever I was in trouble, Lila’s face would rise in my mind and my fears would melt away. No need to be afraid, I’d think, Lila will be there for me, she’d protect me. She was my idol, my hero. 

I was planning to go to America to live with her, talked to her about that a lot as I watched her apply to universities. We dreamed of the future of the Romanov sisters and how they conquered America together. She joked about us going to explore lands, so I blushed and threw my pillow at her. By the time she was in her last year of school I had already graduated from my Indiana Jones phase (leaf and flower collecting remained, however.) 

It was on those days that I first noticed how anxious Lila actually was. She was always on her computer, refreshing her email page, looking through scholarship websites. She’d be less talkative, more resigned. She wouldn’t go out with her friends, and even me. I’d asked Mom, but she wasn’t worried. ‘Nervous before university’, she said. It made me relieved. Obviously, it’s only that, I thought. When she gets accepted, Lila will be the way she was before. How can she not be? She’d be energetic and lively again. She’d pursue her dream, our dream of seeing the world.

How could I have known that our dreams weren’t strong enough to make her want to have a future?

I cracked after her death. Unraveled. I lost touch with the world like a wire had been cut. I remained that way for three years, I’d find out. But it felt like an eternity. A blank empty eternity, no end, no beginning. A colorless existence.

When I awakened from my stupor, I felt like I had slept in. I felt like I had missed out on something important. When I stood up and walked up to a mirror and really looked at myself, I saw a person who wasn’t me. Was there even a ‘me’ left? All I saw was a hollow casket. 

I didn’t know what to do, how to act, I realized later. I lost the moment when people transition from children to teens. I understood that the moment I came back to school. Was I supposed to act the way I used to? Like Lila wasn’t gone? Was I supposed to act like a 12-year-old again? But it was impossible, I told myself, I was 15 already, a teenager. Then what should I do? 

I found a solution in the first thing I said to the boy who sat with me at school. I laughed at his attempt at joking about my disappearance. It wasn’t like the old me to laugh at something so dumb, especially since the boy himself was a stupid prick. An idea struck me. I could act the way he wants me to, giggly and meek. It would make him like me, or at least not pester me. It was a perfect plan, I thought, as I addressed everyone in the way they did themselves. Thank and smile at those who offered condolences, raise an eyebrow and scoff at those who tried to taunt you, wink and giggle at those who’re hard to talk to and so on. It made life easier, so I stuck with that.

But the emptiness Lila left never grew back. I spent hours every day just standing in my doorway staring at the empty place where Irene’s bed used to stand next to mine. The room seemed foreign to me, even if I had spent three years wallowing in it.

I ended up doing what Irene did. My parents were wary and tried to talk me out of it. But I knew I had to do it. I went to America, tried to relive what she had. I knew it was wrong and that it would bring me pain, but I couldn’t help it. I wanted to know where she had been and what she saw and what led to her end. As I boarded the plane to America I had been gripped by fear to find whatever made her lose herself and know that I could’ve stopped it had I been a better sister.

The more sane solution I’ve found to my anxiety and my nightmares was going through our pictures. From my fifth birthday when she blew my candles and I wouldn’t stop crying. When she got a prize for a spelling competition and I climbed up the stage with her. The time she got braces and I put tin foil in my mouth to cheer her up. Her first dance. Her graduation. Her acceptance letter. 

I scrolled through them in the darkness of my dorm room and smiled back at the face that shone on the pictures. Every time I go through them I end up crying, but it is always full of longing and warmth. It helps me meet the sunrise with a fresh mind.

I wiped at my eyes and stood up. I made a trip to the bathroom and pressed a wet tissue against my eyes, a trick I used to cover the redness of my eyes. I put on my clothes and headed to the dining hall which would be empty, leaving me time to let the remaining tears dry. 

Lila, watch over me today too, I whispered to myself.

 

‘So you just found the two us passed out?’

‘Yeah. We assumed you solved whatever problems Jeremy had and got drunk to celebrate.’

‘I don’t remember any alcohol though…Do you, Jeremy?’  
‘Honestly, no idea. The last thing I remember is you coming in. And even that memory is kind of blurry. Are you sure we were drunk, Nina?’

‘I’m not sure of anything. I wasn’t there, after all. Kanan, you were semiconscious for a moment.’

‘I was?’

‘Yeah, you were mumbling something. You sounded sluggish, so we assumed you were drunk…’

Kanan hummed thoughtfully, eyes boring into mine. I fought the urge to look away.

‘I do feel like my head was split open, so I am probably hungover. But I don’t remember any alcohol either.’

‘Right? I don’t even keep any in the room. My roommate asked me not to. He’s religious.’ Jeremy clarified. ‘I wonder if we did anything weird…’

‘Oh, god…’ the boys looked away from each other, faces red. They look nice together.

‘Do you remember anything that happened after you went into Jeremy’s room?’ I asked, leaning back against the tree.

We were sitting on the shore of the lake. Irene advised me to take them here and talk. Said that even if the possessive energy left their systems they should still be consoled. She sent me alone, asking me to cover for her since she knew neither of them. I knew it seemed like she was giving me the problematic job of explaining everything as vaguely as possible to the bewildered boys. But the fact that she asked me for help made warm tingles flutter in my chest.

‘It’s very blurry…but I do remember pieces.’ My breath caught in my throat. ‘I think we—we fought.’

Jeremy’s expression slid into one of guilt, ‘It’s safe to assume we did. I’ve been doing that a lot lately.’

Before I could say anything, Kanan cut in, tone unexpectedly harsh, ‘Yeah, what the hell was that about? You were a dick to everyone the whole month. Sorry for cursing, Nina,’ he added the last part quickly. I waved him off.

‘I don’t—I don’t know why I started taking my anger out on the team. On you.’ His eyes bore in Kanan’s, full of regret. Somehow the gaze made me feel like I was intruding on a private moment.

‘I just. Lost myself? It felt like I did. I couldn’t control myself, I was so angry. At everything.’ He hung his head.

I let the silence linger. However, I knew I had to ask.

‘Why were you so angry? I don’t—we never talked before all of this, but you don’t look like the type to have such radical mood swings.’

‘No, he is not.’ Kanan said. I notice that he was holding Jeremy’s right hand. I placed my palm on Jeremy’s left hand automatically and regretted it immediately. Before I could pull away though Jeremy gasped it and squeezed. I slowly relaxed.

‘Please, tell us what happened. I’m sure you’ll feel better as soon as you get it off your chest. You probably didn’t talk to anyone about what was bothering you.’ I spoke the way Lila did whenever I tried to lie to her. I never managed to get away with lying to her once.

Jeremy sat silent for a few moments, Kanan and I waited patiently. The unusually warm for late fall wind swept tiny waves across the surface of the lake. The sun reflected of the lake, as beautiful as the first time I saw it. But the absence of a certain person made it less breathtaking for me.

Jeremy’s hand grasped mine suddenly and I looked away from the lake to see that he was watching the water as well.

‘I got a letter. The letter was handwritten and not an email, so that scared me. I got it by the locker room before practice. A faculty member brought it and said it was urgent. It was—the letter said that—‘his voice broke.

‘It said that my mom committed suicide.’

My stomach dropped in a horribly familiar way. I squeezed his hand. I sneaked a look at Kanan. His face was unreadable, safe for the eyes. Kanan was one of the people I had a hard time reading. The only way I could ever tell what he felt was through his eyes. The brown eyes were filled with horror and pain.

I was going to tell Jeremy that it was okay, that he shouldn’t force himself to speak about it, because I knew just how awful it was. But he surprised me by opening his mouth again.

‘She was my biggest supporter, Mom was. She came to all of my matches. She got me uniforms and gloves even when she couldn’t afford them. I’m—I give up easily. I would get new hobbies every week and give up when I felt like I wasn’t good enough. But football was different. I can’t explain it, but even when I didn’t do good the first time, I tried again, which wasn’t strange if it lasted a few days. But days turned into weeks, then months. For the first time, I tried hard in something. She knew that so she supported me with her everything.’ 

A watery smile danced on his face. The light glistened on his tears.

‘It was always the two of us before. Me and mom. But then it became me, Mom and football. I loved it. I loved Mom. But even if I was happy, I didn’t realize that she could be unhappy. I found out in eighth grade that my mom suffered from clinical depression.

‘I didn’t know that it wasn’t normal to drink a lot of medicine every day. I realized just how many days I’ve seen Mom barely get out of bed. My mom was my idol and I couldn’t imagine my idol anything other than perfect, always. I was so stupid.’ Jeremy’s grip on my hand was painful. My heart was thundering and my stomach was cold and in knots.

‘So when I got my acceptance letter, I was afraid. I didn’t want to leave her. She was still alright because she had me. She would get out of bed to make me food, go to store for things I need, talk to people about me. I knew I was her reason for living. So I almost rejected the offer of admission and the sports scholarship.

‘But she stopped me. She saw me trying to throw the letter away and slapped me. Never once had she hit me before that day. She said that if I throw away my future for her, she would never forgive me. My soft kind amazing Mom looked so furious; I didn’t know what to do. She gave me the tightest hug and said that I have to go, so she can brag to the store manager she shops at. Mom made me promise to become the quarterback by my second year. In return made her promise to call me every day. How easygoing her laugh was, so happy. She had persuaded me and I should’ve been angry.

‘Deep down, though, I wanted her to make me go. I wanted her to. I couldn’t—it had been my dream. I selfishly wanted to leave her. And I did. I fucking did!’ The regret that dripped from his words made my stomach turn. I couldn’t help thinking just how familiar they were.

‘I fulfilled her wish. I became quarterback this year. She, though…She broke her promise a month ago.’ His voice trembled. ‘She called me the day before I got the letter. She-she was—Mom sounded fine! Cheerful even! I was so happy she was in high spirits. But they say…the mood is highest before the end.’ A laugh full of sorrow croaked out.

‘I didn’t go to the practice once since. I was mad at the world. At myself…at Mom. I felt like I was cheated. Like Mom betrayed me. I kno-know how heartless it sounds but, but I just—‘

He dissolved into ugly sobs. I kept his hand tightly in mine until my knuckles were white. Kanan draped an arm around Jeremy, gaze soft on Jeremy’s brown-haired head. Neither of us dared speak. Jeremy had to finish first.

The setting sun cast shadows on our huddled forms. My free hand hurt from my nails which dug into my palm. I remembered the monstrous Jeremy from a few days before. The cursing and raging man was nowhere to be seen in the shaking boy. The horror I felt when Irene told me of the way the energy affects resurfaced. A thought ran through my mind, too fast for my weary mind to register. I mentally shook my head and looked back the boys before me.

Jeremy wiped his tears with the cuff of his shirt. He looked miserable, eyes puffy, nose running. But so much better than he had that night. He looked alive and it made my aching heart elevate slightly. 

‘I yelled at everyone. I said hurtful shit. I nearly got into fights. I felt like nothing mattered and I was always angry and afraid. If my Mom wasn’t there anymore…If I l-lost her for forever, then why was I still playing? I began hating everyone who tried to talk into coming to practices, who tried to make me see my responsibility as the quarterback.

‘I understand now that the team was doing all of that for my sake, I understand now. But for some reason, I just couldn’t get it then. I felt like the world was my enemy. Making me do stuff I didn’t want to do, they had no idea what they were making me do. What they were trying to make me get over. I lashed out…They must hate me.’

‘No way they could,’ Kanan whispered, eyes warm on the boy before him. Jeremy's face grew hopeful then, for the first time since I met him.

‘I hope you’re right.’

Silence followed once again. Never in my life have I ever been in a situation like this. I was used to being on the receiving end of comfort. Now that the high of the stress and emotional conversation died down I grew restless. I felt like I had to say something. I’m sorry I wanted to yell, I understand hidden under it. 

‘The thing is,’ I spoke up and I felt their eyes go to me, making self-consciousness bubble up. Speaking from my own voice was harder than a persona, yet the words began flowing out like a river. ‘I understand what you’re going through. Not fully, but more than others do. I, too, lost someone before to depression.’ I held Jeremy’s gaze as I said that. He didn’t look away, his hand clammy with our sweat steadying me. I couldn’t look at Kanan, because I knew pity would be there. Strangely, I didn’t feel upset. I didn’t feel upset at all. It wasn’t like they were the first people I ever told. But they were the first to hear about it without me sobbing.

‘My sister is gone. To me five years ago it was the end of the world. I…I disconnected. Where you became angry, I just faded away. I didn’t see reasons to try and live. I didn’t want to die, but I just didn’t have the energy to live. Moving on was out of the question.

‘I just couldn’t understand.’ No tears came. I wondered why.

‘It took me years to recover. I didn’t go to school, I didn’t talk to any friends. The only reason I hadn’t died from starvation or dehydration were my parents. They couldn’t lose another child.’

‘I was empty and the only thing that still reminded me of me was my sister. She was the center of my life, my best friend, my idol. So I almost gave up then, on ever going back to the way I was. But my mom showed me the last message Lila left for me. It was a short message sent to her phone.’ I started out at the last glimpses of sun. The red light reminded me of Lila’s hair. While mine was a simple brown, her hair was a light hazel flowing into dark red.

‘It said…‘Conquer the world for the two of us.’’

I told people about Lila’s death, but never about her last words to me. But at that moment, I knew I had to tell them.

The whole world was what Lila left me. She left everything behind, but she wanted me to have it. I wanted Jeremy to believe that he has the right to move on. 

I knew now that they weren’t the type to comfort or patronize, so I didn’t feel like I had to take back my words. I couldn’t help beginning to love them for that.

‘I was right.’ Kanan was the one to break the silence, to my surprise.

‘About what?’ I asked.

‘You are different from the way you talk to people.’ He shuffled away from Jeremy’s side to sit facing me. ‘Since the day I met you, I knew that there was something wrong with you.’

‘Gee, thanks.’

‘I don’t mean it like that. I mean that you hide from people. You were always cheery and over-the-top around people like me and Corn. I saw the way you talk to other people. With some you are moody, with others quite, there are even people with who you act like a bitch. I saw you doing all of that, but didn’t know if I should say anything…’

The boys looked uncomfortable like they had had this conversation and finally got the courage to ask me. I didn’t know what to say.

‘You caught me.’ I lifted my hands in surrender, Jeremy’s hand still gripping mine. He didn’t look like he was planning to let go of it any time soon. ‘I knew you were on to me, honestly. You are too observant.’

‘Apparently not observant enough.’ Kanan muttered and looked away. I glanced at Jeremy.

‘You are observant, not the Eye of Mordor.’ Kanan chuckled at that and I couldn’t help feeling proud. I knew the guy was the type to love Lord of the Rings. ‘You caught on to my life strategy pretty well. I do actually have a system of how I talk to different people.’

‘While Lila’s message gave me enough strength to pull myself together, I was still a social ghost then. So I did what I did best before. I began acting. I’m not that burdened by it, before you say anything, and it makes people comfortable. That’s enough for me.’

‘Nina, that’s—‘

‘Jeremy. Please. Don’t. I don’t want to hear it.’ I said holding up a hand to him. ‘It’s what makes me feel safe around others. Acting. Don’t take that comfort away from me, please.’ I pleaded. He still looked unconvinced but nodded begrudgingly. Then he added:

‘But now that we know this, you can’t pretend around us anymore. Now you have to act like Nina with us.’

I blinked at his earnest expression and at the amused shrug that Kanan sent me over Jeremy’s shoulder. I sighed.

‘Alright. It makes it 5 people then.’

‘Five people?’ they both echoed at the same time. I smiled.

‘Yeah. My mom, my dad, Irene and you two.’

‘Irene?’ Jeremy asked. 

‘The other girl.’ Kanan supplied. ‘Her girl.’

‘She’s not my girl,’ I exclaimed.

‘Really?’ Kanan asked slowly. I threw dirt at him. He flipped me off.

‘So that means we’re like a club now. A Nina club.’ Jeremy laughed.

‘No. What the hell.’ I shook my head.

‘Yeah, we totally are now, babe. Her parents are founders, Irene’s the president and we’re—‘

‘The HRs!’ Jeremy pumped his fist in the air in excitement.

‘You read my mind.’ Kanan gave him a soft amused smile.

‘Yeah, you did, ‘babe’.’ I mocked.

‘Oh, fuck off.’ Kanan looked away, cheeks flaming.

‘Hey, don’t talk to Nina like that!’ Jeremy shook his finger at Kanan.

‘Thank you, Jere—‘

‘She’s our mascot!’

‘You mother—‘I pinched Jeremy’s side as Kanan fell over laughing.

We spent time talking and bickering and joking till it was completely dark outside. As we walked back together, they gave me their phone numbers. They said it was to hang out, but I could tell by the way the both gave me a tight hug, that it ran deeper than that.

‘Before you leave..,’ they halted their steps and looked back at me. ‘Thank you. It’s been…forever since I talked so freely with someone. I never told anyone as much as I told you. Thank you.’

The smiles they sent me made the remaining fears I had of them never speaking to me again dispersed. 

‘Any time, Nina,’ Kanan said. 

‘You too, Nina. You saved me.’ Jeremy said.

‘I did not. Dragging drunkenly is not saving. And if it is, then Irene saved you. I’d never manage to move you an inch.’

‘Not that. I meant how you comforted me. You helped me more than you think. Give yourself some credit.’ He pointed an accusing finger at me and I remembered how humor was one of his prime characteristics.   
‘I can’t say I feel new right now. The feelings won’t poof away just like that. But it’s a start. See you tomorrow.’

I stared at the only numbers in my contacts. There were five now. I squeezed the phone to my chest and giggled a bit. We went from talking about such sad and morbid things to exchanging numbers and promising to send memes. A scene flashed in my memory.

My sister sitting in her corner in our room, working carefully on a painting for her friend’s birthday. I had a fight with my seatmate at school that day. I got a 2 on the math test and when I tried to vent to him, he called me a mop and a crybaby. I was crying and complaining again but now to my sister. I did that a lot back then.

‘Did he ask you why you were sad in the first place?’

‘He did. And he was trying to make me feel better at first, calling the teacher stupid and mean. But when I talked more he seemed bored.’

‘Well, he isn’t your friend then.’

‘What?! Of course he is!’ I jumped up from the bed in anger and stomped over to Lila.

‘No, she isn’t.’

‘He is!’

‘He is not. If he was she wouldn’t have tried to comfort you.’

I was bewildered. Lila kept talking.

‘Acquaintances and strangers comfort. They bash whatever and whoever did you wrong, no matter the case.’ She had put a bold stroke on the canvas that sent paint flying everywhere. She made an ‘oops’ noise. The paint never got off the white walls, even after Lila left.

‘Friends will tell you what you did wrong if you did. And if you couldn’t have helped it, they will listen to you and make sure you have a shoulder to cry on. You can get carried away with your emotions if you get pity from others. Your real friends will know when to just sit with you.’

‘Will I ever really have people like that?’ I whipped at my nose loudly and she gave me a tissue she reserved for wiping brushes.

‘You will.’ She was using so much blue and black in her art.

‘How will I know if they are good friends?’

‘If they make you feel like moving.’

‘Moving? What does that have to do with this?...Lila…?’

A tear hit my lip and I wiped it off. I gave the new contacts (with a lot of emojis, courtesy of Jeremy) another long look. I smiled.

I understand now, Lila. 

I gave the hallway they left through a glance, then went to my room. That night I had no nightmares.


	7. Collar Full

The next few weeks were mostly uneventful. Well, as uneventful as exam season can be. 

I spent most of my time studying anywhere I could. The library, dorms, the dining hall etc. I was sad I couldn’t go to the lake anymore, but it was so cold outside now, that I couldn’t help opting for indoors. 

The weather had taken a 180 and became so cold, that sometimes I felt like it was mid-winter and not the first weeks of December. It was nowhere near as cold as home was, though. The snow back in Moscow had reached knees and ice covered virtually everything. 

But I’ve grown used to the warmth and was not ready to welcome back the icy wind and blue fingers. Especially if there was no snow. Seriously, there was none to speak of! The one thing I actually missed had been the soft and calming fall of icy butterflies that made me sick a lot when I was a child. 

Every day that December I would look out the library window at the deserted football field and frown. No snow again, I’d think, and no people too. Americans and their weak tolerance to cold.

Half of December had gone by and the exams had finally finished. I was very attentive and never slacked off at studying, but I was human too. The number of revelations and shocks I’ve been a spectator off had taken my mind briefly off something like school. The result was obvious: days of all-nighters, bags worth of coffee and medicine consumed, and looking like a homeless person. The last one hurt especially since I had to present myself like that before Irene.

She had, like everyone, thrown herself in revision and preparations. She, unlike everyone, looked like she did it effortlessly. I would stare in horror at the piles and piles of books she’d pick up to go through daily and each and every time she’d finish the whole stack. Irene noticed my confusion once and asked. I told her that I didn’t expect her to be the studious type. She gave me a weird look and said it wasn’t that.

‘I don’t really feel like I’m studying, honestly. It’s music stuff mostly, so I’m having fun.’ She shrugged and went back to reading. I called her crazy; she stuck out her tongue playfully.

After the finals I found myself unable to move, surrounded by candy wraps and crumbled paper and my bed, watching anime on my laptop. Every bone in my body ached, even if I hadn’t done anything even close to active in weeks. I felt that in the new rolls I’ve discovered on my stomach.

Exhaustion weighted me down and I didn’t feel like moving for a while. But alas, the world isn’t that merciful on my tired self. I lay for just a few minutes when the door was thrown open and Irene herself strode in like she owned the place. I had a few seconds of disorientation where my brain didn’t immediately register what was happening. When it did wake up, the first thing that flew in mind was how gross I probably looked. I’ve looked gross in front of her before, deep into the night in the packed library, shirt stained with coffee, hair greasy from not being washed for a week and smudged make-up all over my face. But I felt like my chocolate covered mouth and oily, sleep-deprived face could top even that. I mentally facepalmed as I stood up from under my blanket and remembered that I had my Sailor Moon pajama bottoms on.

Irene, to her credit, almost didn’t look fazed. Her eyes shot to my rainbow-colored pants, but she didn’t comment. She brushed some crumbs and candy wraps from the foot of the bed and plopped down. I tried to wipe my mouth as much as I could and stared at my now sticky hand. I fought the urge to groan.

‘Nina.’ Irene said.

It was the way she always started a conversation, no ‘hi’s or ‘what’s up’s. She either nodded or said your name. I liked the way she did that. It made me feel like whatever role I was about to play in conversation was needed. Like she was talking to me about something she only wants to talk to me. It was intimate, in a way.

‘Hey.’ I smiled and ran a hand through my hair. I thanked whatever force made me shower the day before.

‘Are you going away for Christmas?’

I looked away to stare at my Star Wars poster, ‘No, I’m staying here.’

There was a rush of a breath. I looked back at her, but whatever her reaction was to my words it had already been wiped away with a neutral look.

‘Oh. Why is that?’ she stroked my blanket with her fingers. It was distracting for some reason.

‘My parents are going away for the holidays. Turkey, I think.’

‘Wait. Why aren’t you going with?’ she asked.

‘I don’t know.’ I did in fact know. ‘It’s a trip for two, y’know? They always wanted to go on a romantic trip together.’

‘But it’s Christmas!’ I was taken aback by how upset she sounded then. The blunt look was gone and now she looked troubled. An urge to make that look disappear welled up.

‘Hey, it’s not something for you to get upset over.’ I put my clean hand on her shoulder. ‘I’m not. I’m even happy! They deserve to have some free time without me. Not gonna be the third wheel.’ I tried for a smile. It didn’t come out as well as I liked, judging by how her frown deepened.

‘But they have had enough time! They haven’t seen you in half a year! What kind of parents are they?!’ she exclaimed.

‘Don’t talk about my parents like that.’ I snapped. ‘Why are you so angry?! You asked me in the first place!’ I pointed an accusatory finger at her.

‘I thought it’d be something like ‘Too much hassle’ or ‘Wanna experience the American way of Christmas’ or some other typical bullshit. But this, this sounds like you think you’re a burden!’

I snapped my mouth mid-word.

My parents did ask me to join. No way they wouldn’t have. But I could feel the tiredness of their voice and the almost easy acceptance of my refusal. They had, after all, spent years nursing me back. The taste of freedom in my absence must’ve been too good.

I knew that I made life hell for them. They lost their bright and kind Lila and ended up with a shell of their lesser child. Empty and unhappy all the time, I made their days almost as gray as mine were. I could dully feel the stress and anger in their voices as they yelled at each other in their room. In the way they desperately tried to make me go to school, to eat, to move, to talk. They struggled and I made no attempt to help. I just lay there like a rag doll and watched with empty eyes.

So when I decided to let them spend Christmas, I felt proud of myself. I was finally on my way to repay them all debts my uselessness created. They’d have fun and remember what it felt like to live without worries. It’d be great!

Why was it making my eyes sting so much though?

‘I just want them to spend time together. Like newlyweds, the way my dad always wanted to. He always wanted to replay their first honeymoon.’ I chuckled a bit. It was only half a lie, but it was enough for now. I was already weak enough in her eyes.

Her black eyes searched mine, eyebrows creased over them. I gave her a reassuring smile as if to say ‘It’s fine, I’m not upset in the least.’

She still looked suspicious, but looked away reluctantly. I couldn’t help but feel warm at her worry. I stood up to go to the bathroom when she spoke again.

‘Then, we’ll do that too.’ 

‘What?’ I stopped mid-step.

She looked back. Her cheeks were flushed. I swallowed nervously.

‘We’ll do that too. The holiday thing.’ Her eyes wouldn’t leave mine, but I could see in the arch of her mouth how awkward she felt.

‘Y-you mean the…the couple’s trip thing?’ I stuttered out. Suddenly I was hyperaware of my looks again.

‘W-well, not exactly, but y’know, there are two of us and it’s Christmas and we can celebrate together, but only if you want too, I won’t force or any—‘ she blabbered away.

I gasped and she stopped mid-sentence.

‘You are staying too?’ I squeaked out.

‘Y-yeah.’ She nodded quickly.

I couldn’t help beaming. She took it as a yes and a grin lit up her face. She looked like a baby who just got candy instead of lunch.

‘We’re gonna have so much fun, oh my god! I have some games and lots of stuff to show you!’ I bounced a bit in my seat.

‘Really?’ Irene chuckled.

‘Yeah! I’m gonna tell you stories of all the crazy things we do for Christmas at school. You’ll die laughing, I swear!’ I squealed.

‘Color me stocked.’ she grinned from ear to ear.

I was so happy then, I briefly forgot about my sadness on missing my parents’ trip. Now I could spend the first Christmas of my university life with Irene. I couldn’t wait for the remaining school days to be over.

In my excitement though, I forgot to ask why Irene herself wasn’t going home.

 

The thumping over my head was driving me insane.

Those were the words I gritted out to my laptop and to Irene. She merely laughed and told me to put up with it for just a bit longer.

It was December 20th, the last day before winter break, so naturally, everyone was stepping over each other to run away as fast as they could. At breakfast, the excited buzz of conversation filled the big room. From where they were going for the holidays to stories about their families and how much they miss them, the whole student body was sharing their joy at the coming free days and seeing their families.

I didn’t mind the overwhelming chatter at first, knowing that my Christmas won’t be in any way worse than others will be. But the nostalgia and longing still began creeping up on me. I thought of seeing Mom and Dad again after months. Is Mom still using her peach shampoo that she bragged about to our neighbors because it was French (it wasn’t, Dad once whispered when she couldn’t hear. He got it at a local store, but she mistook the rare French brand name for the real thing and he didn’t have the heart to ruin it for her) or is Dad still trying to grow a mustache, despite having the hair thickness entirely unsuitable for a good mustache (Mom hated it too and threatened to shave them off in his sleep). I giggled to myself and then felt weird about the glances I got at my sudden smile.

I was flipping through the essays I’ve submitted that semester, trying to look whether I had improved my writing. 

I hated writing assignments, never had the imagination for coming up with sentences, much rather full paragraphs. Reading out and learning already written words seemed much more appealing to me.

I got better at bringing out key points, or so I was told by some professors. I got better at the beginning of November when I had asked Irene to help me with an essay. She looked through my draft, while my fingers dug in my sweaty palms and my teeth dug into my cheek. She nodded a few times as she read, so at least I could breathe. She said I was good with words but was bad at making them lead anywhere. You talk and talk, but I don’t see your point clearly and it feels like you are just going for the word count, not the reasons. She underlined some sentences with a sharpie. She pointed out my best sentences and told me to remove anything that has nothing to do with them. It was such a helpful idea that my overworked brain sent me to tears. Undergraduate syndrome, Irene chuckled as she gave me tissues.

When I asked her how she was that good at essays, she shrugged, then after a pause said that her mom was good at those, since she was an English teacher. The ‘was’ she used made me pause for too long as when I tried to ask anything she had already turned away. I just told her that my dad is too and she sent me a smile.

As I looked through my assignments on the last day, I saw the difference clearly. I thanked her, she waved her hand dismissively. Her oversized sweaters were back for the season and the cuffs slid over her palms whenever she moved. It made me feel strangely ecstatic. Bless long sleeves.

The stomping continued on, though, so my solace in Irene’s cute winter wardrobe was cut short again. Why did everyone have to run? It wasn’t like they could just leave as soon as they reached the main hall or that there was a shortage of busses. I could understand why some Asian students were rushing since most of them had airplanes to reach in time, but Americans?

I had already said goodbye to Kanan and Jeremy, who had left earlier than the bigger crowd. Kanan was going back to his home country, a place I couldn’t for the life of me remember or pronounce in English. He was sighing about going back to his huge family and billions of cousins, but I could tell from his energetic posture and soft gaze how excited he actually was. 

Jeremy, on the other hand, was going to stay in the USA, but in another state. New York, he said, with a relative. He looked the most excited of us all, already in a surprisingly not-ugly Christmas sweater. Or I thought it was quite stylish because Kanan complained about it being too flashy. Jeremy stuck his tongue at him, but still held Kanan’s hand as they walked.

They were going together to the airport for Kanan’s flight, and Jeremy’s was hours after his. I joked about Jeremy trying to sneak on Kanan’s flight and going with him, to which Jeremy groaned that he wished he could. I frowned at that, a part of me wishing they stayed as well, another part scolding its childishness. The internal struggle was noticed by the all-seeing Kanan and he gave me a hug. Jeremy followed with an even tighter embrace.

‘I’ll text you ‘Happy New Year’ at midnight sharp!’ Jeremy promised.

‘You’ll be in different time zones, Jeremy…’ Kanan shook his head. I couldn’t help snorting at Jeremy’s face.

And with promises of texting me when they land they were off.

I got a friendly pat on the back and a Merry Christmas from Corn, who I passed in the dorms. He and Mrs. Tremble were going to their hometown, a few miles away, so he’ll see me just after New Year’s. I told him to send his mom a ‘hi’, to which he told me to do it myself, and went to hide from the crowds of people waiting to leave. That was how I ended up in the library, with my laptop, Irene on my side.

After a few minutes, the thuds of steps quieted down. I put my hands up to the sky in mock thankfulness. Irene shook her head at me. She was smiling. We were alone at the library then, with everyone besides the librarian having lost the need of the place with no classes going on. It was too silent, even for a library, with only the sound of me tapping on my computer and Irene’s muted music from headphones.

Christmas decorations were up on the bookcases and a small tree peeked from the corner. It was warm, but not stuffy. Because it was deserted, I took my shoes off and cradled them to my chest as I flipped through pictures. I went through some pictures of scenery and anime, then came Lila’s folder. I cast a glance in Irene’s direction. She looked focused on her phone and music in her ears. 

Whenever we approached any topic about me and life I always felt the desire to tell, to have her know. I had ended up telling her a lot of embarrassing and old stories, always regretting afterward. But the way she laughed and teased me made my awkwardness worth it.

However, something stopped me from opening Lila’s pictures. I had a feeling like I shouldn’t, not yet. I couldn’t tell why my urge to tell her suddenly vanished. It seemed like a bad idea now, especially with holidays starting, I told myself. 

I’ll tell her only if she finds out on her own first.

With that thought, I closed my laptop and told her I was heading back for a nap. She asked me if I was okay and upon hearing my ‘Great, just tired,’ nodded, so I fled. 

I couldn’t stop guilt that began festering, though. I still couldn’t open the door for her to see my inside.


	8. Guillotine

The main hall was surprisingly packed if you think of how few students decided to stay for the holidays. I could immediately count around thirty people around me, and I knew that twice as much was going to come around in the next hour.

It was Christmas Eve, 8 pm. The whole place had been decorated by the student government, with a huge Christmas tree standing in the center of the room and garlands all over the walls. Couches had been dragged to join the few that had already been there, along with blankets, pillows, and tables. The tables were covered in holiday snacks, or so it seemed to be by the words of Irene. In short, it was a lot.

Christmas at home was nothing like that. At home it was a short dinner with the whole family, some blessings exchanged and then the game of ‘hold back the younger ones from tearing open their presents right then’ started. The game was popular amongst the elder half of the family, which I had to join, unfortunately, on the first Christmas I celebrated in a while after I turned 16. I can still feel the sting of my middle cousin’s teeth on my arm and see my ripped out hair in her brother’s hands.

But Christmas here was messier. The seniors who stayed behind barged in rooms that morning yelling about ‘Christmas spirit’ and ‘Sleeping is for the weak!’ and dragged everyone out by midday to prepare for the evening. I say ‘prepare’ because the seriousness with which they treated the holiday was like it was a holy thing. I couldn’t blame them, however, because I knew it was their last Christmas as non-working young adults. So I helped as enthusiastically as I could, by proposing some Christmas movies to watch. My idea was welcomed and I found myself spending hours figuring out movies with which everyone agreed. Some didn’t want old movies, some hated new ones. The debate lasted for hours, in which almost no work was done. In the end, the movie I chose originally was decided on. Nothing could beat ‘Home Alone’ after all.

I sat cross-legged on the couch that I knew was dragged out of the teacher’s lounge from how expensive it looked, waiting on the pending download screen. I spied Irene on the opposite side of the room. She was carrying a coffee machine with someone from her music class. 

She gave me a smile from across the room. I waved, a bit too enthusiastically than I would’ve liked. The other girl asked Irene something and then smiled at me too. I felt annoyance, which grew as I noticed how that girl’s hands were covering Irene’s under the weight of the machine.

It had taken 5 hours, but the party preparation was finished. Everyone was either piled on the couches or stood around chatting and drinking coffee, some in pajamas, some in home clothes. There was no alcohol, as not only students but some teachers stayed behind for the holidays. The teachers were sitting on a couch on the far corner, all in everyday clothes, looking thoroughly exhausted, but cozy. The dean too was present and in a deep discussion with some seniors. 

The atmosphere wasn’t familiar to me, but, strangely, I liked it. It was new, yet comforting and almost domestic. I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt that comfortable in a setting I wasn’t used to. I didn’t feel the need to stand up and talk to anyone or even feel isolated. The warmth of my buzzing phone overflowing with memes from Jeremy and knowing that Irene would come around soon kept me from tensing. 

This was the Christmas I wanted. Even if my heart still tugged at the thought of my parents being here with me, I was alright. The light sadness almost made the evening sweeter. I saved it for my next call with them.

I was making myself a coffee when someone came up to stand next to me. I didn’t need to look up to know who it was. She smelled of oranges today. 

‘Nina.’

‘That’s me.’ I chuckled. She bumped me with her hip, away from the coffee machine, and began making her own.

‘Hey!’ I playfully slapped her shoulder. She pretended she didn’t hear.

‘Are you having fun?’ she asked. I was taken aback by the softness in her voice.

‘I am, I guess.’ I swirled my plastic spoon in the cup. ‘Why?’

‘You looked kind of upset, I guess.’ She said voice light. I know she used that voice when she was cautious. A tug in my chest.

‘I’m fine. Even great. Promise,’ I added at her suspicious glance.

‘Don’t tell me then,’ she grumbled and made her way to the closest empty couch. I went after. I noticed the girl from before on the other side of the room, talking to the dean, instead of Irene. I bit back a smug smile.

Irene pulled a blanket around herself, almost up to the chin. I wanted to pull it down from her face.

‘There’s nothing to tell, I swear!’ I sat next to her on the L shaped couch, so I was in the corner. Irene could lean slightly over and easily trap me there. A too good of an idea, so I pushed it away.

‘Really?’ she said sarcastically.

‘Ugh, fine. I just thought about my family a bit, ok? I didn’t know I had to ask for permission to.’ I was genuinely angry now. But still, even her bratty act was nice.

A look of guilt passed over her face. But then it hardened again.

‘I told you, you should’ve gone with them. If you’re gonna be miserable, then why stay behind!’

‘I’m not miserable! You—ugh, you don’t get it! I can’t go, ok? They have to have some time for themselves. I was so much trouble for them! They deserve free time…’My vision blurred and my throat burned. There went my quiet sadness. Coffee suddenly looked gross.

I covered my eyes with a hand and after a brief panic realized that music was just loud enough to cover my outburst. I willed myself to calm down. Irene was silent.

I looked at her sideways. She looked stunned. Like a fish. I let out a wet giggle. She snapped out of whatever trance she was in.

‘Why are you laughing?! What you just said is no laughing matter!’

‘But-but your face! You looked dumb.’ I giggled again.

‘How can you say shit like that?!’ she still looked concerned. Dammit. There was no other way to pull out.  
‘If I tell you why…will you promise to never get angry with me on this? Ever? No pity too, I hate it.’ I held her gaze. She nodded slowly. What a topic to bring up with Mariah Carrie blasting around.

‘I was severely depressed, from the age of twelve to fifteen.’ I said. I had started this conversation with few people that way. Usually, I began immediately with Lila, but I wanted that girl to know me first. Selfish, I know.

‘I was an empty person. Lost hobbies, will, friends. I just didn’t live for three years,’ Irene placed her blanket on my shoulders, in which I curled up. ‘But it was not me who suffered most, not really. My parents got a big hit. They had to take care of me a lot. Took me out of school. Homeschooled me, they’re both teachers. Made me go out on walks, gave me books, forced me to eat and sleep. I took their years too. I could see it in them. They looked at me like I was a corpse. Dad couldn’t listen to my voice without crying. Mom was worse. She basically lived in my room now.’

I inhaled slowly. It was time to say her in front of Irene.

‘Not only for me. She stayed in my room…in my elder sister’s bed. My sister who took her life.’ Irene’s hand flinched on my shoulder. I buried my face in my knees. No tears again. Why?

‘She was my soulmate. My other half, my best friend. Where she went, I went. Sometimes I thought that we share a soul, because how could someone feel that close. I didn’t know life without Lila by my side.’

‘But, one day, she was gone. Off to her future. Without me.’ I felt boneless as I said that. ‘I never got to see her again after the day she left university.’

The music around gave me a weird sense of comfort. Lila adored Christmas songs and her, Dad and me would always try to get on Mom’s nerves by hollering them.

‘This is the third year since I got better and the first year since my parents got their lives back. Because even when I recovered they were still terrified. One child dead, the other more like a corpse than a person. They called me every day since the start of the year, except for the last few. They just text now. From their trip.’ I gave her a smile, looking up at her from where my face rested on my knee. She looked heartbroken. It almost made me tear up.

‘I want them to feel safe about me. They seemed so scared when I told them I want to study here. They felt like if I came here specifically then I would do what Lila did. I spend a lot of time assuring that I was coming here just because of the program. They went from begging me not to go, to actually having time for themselves, after hours of my reassurance.’

Irene had a strange look cross over her face then. ‘Your sister studied here?’

‘Yeah. This place was her dream school. Mom cried so much when Lila got the acceptance letter.’ I could still smell the burned pancakes my mom forgot on the stove as she smothered Lila with kisses. Dad let her drink a whole bottle of wine that day too.

Irene grew silent. Her eyes were glassy, as if she was in deep thought. When she spoke her tone was light, ‘What was her name?’

‘Oh, Lila. Pretty similar right? To mine, I mean. Dad thought it sounded nice. Lila, Nina. Nina, Lila. They sound a bit different in Russian though, so it works best in English. Dad’s an English teacher, so…’

My attention was caught by the pillow pyramid that some of the physics majors put up and took turns crashing in and knocking over. One of the teachers scolded them, but the dean was cackling hysterically. I snorted a bit too, but it died down when I looked at Irene. She was as white as a ghost.

‘Irene? Are you okay?’ Her gaze snapped to mine. Her face was devoid of emotion safe for color and eyes. Her eyes looked devastated. ‘It was too much, wasn’t it…? I’m sorry for all of that, I—‘

‘No, no, no! Don’t you dare apologize!’ She sounded out of breath as she gripped my shoulders. Her face contorted in a foreign way. For the first time, I saw an expression that didn’t suit Irene’s soft face.

We were silent after that. Some people ran past us, jostling our couch. She kept a grip on my shoulders, but her eyes were downcast.

‘Nina.’ She looked up. Her eyes had a red tinge to them. Her lip was bitten through. Shadows cast over her eyes. She looked a lot older.

‘Thank you for telling me this. It must’ve been tough.’ Her voice tone was light. I nodded slowly.

‘It was…But I wanted to. To tell you.’ I looked down. ‘I’m not…even before, I’ve never been good with people. All of the people around me were there thanks to Lila’s help. She had this bright presence, and everyone flew like a moth to her. She was very lovable.’ 

‘You really miss her, don’t you?’ Irene’s voice sounded faint. 

I sniffled, ‘Every day.’

‘If I—you could erase the sadness you have—‘

‘No.’ I interrupted her, voice sharp. She stared at me, face stricken. ‘Even if that pain would kill me, I won’t get rid of it, ever. It would be the same as cutting Lila away from me. I’d rather die than do that.’

The words hung in the air. Irene's face was a mix of emotions, from confusion to discomfort and something I couldn’t put my finger on. She started to say something, but a yell went up from the center of the room. It was almost Christmas, whooped a guy standing on a table. I wiped my eyes and checked the time. Just how long have we been talking?

I told her my deepest secret. I showed her my weak side. Now it was time to be bold.

I grasped her hand within mine. She looked startled. I gulped down my anxiety and dragged her closer to the crowd. We joined in with the excited yelling and dancing. 

I felt warm, so warm, I didn’t notice how slack Irene’s hold on my hand gradually grew.


	9. Platinum Disco

The next few days were a blur of preparing for New Years. 

Christmas had been exciting for me, but I was almost impatient for New Year’s. It had always been my all-time favorite holiday. One where I could spend time only with my parents and sister, no other relatives bugging me for kisses and stories from school. I loved every aspect of the holiday, from the too heavy food Mom always cooked, to hiding presents under the tree, to staying up late, even if it’s just to watch the weird performances on TV. I even loved the too-long speech the President gave every year.

So I was dressed in my best sweater, fidgeting excitedly in my seat in the dining hall. The place was packed and churning with noises, everyone excited for the year to finally end. I spied some seniors talking suspiciously in the corner. The food was especially good that day, pancakes with snowflakes and the number of the coming year. 

I stared at the clock on my phone and wished for the time to move faster. Though, I could’ve been more excited, if not for the sudden cold shoulder I got from Irene.

The said girl had sprinted away from me the moment everyone had started to retire to bed on the night of 25th. She looked pale and sick and waved off my concern, told me to stay and have fun. That was the last proper conversation I had with her since. 

The next days were tense between us. She kept flinching away from, talking too fast or cutting conversations short. I tried to get her to hang out with me but she always found reasons to blow me off. I didn’t stop trying though, kept approaching and trying to chat. 

The sudden avoidance had dented my mood considerably, but I told myself not to feel down. Not on New Year’s. ‘Told’ was the keyword. I didn’t actually stop feeling upset.

It was not to say she avoided me completely. She still sat with me, ate with me and stood around on parties with me. She was just…distant. Or cautious, even. I would catch her looking at me whenever she thought I didn’t see. It would’ve made me happy, if not for the trouble in her gaze.

For once in my life, my curiosity didn’t win me over. I didn’t dare ask her why she acted that way. I was afraid of finding out. I was afraid it would be the talk we had on Christmas Eve. 

I knew I shouldn’t blame her if it really was that. After all, it must’ve been a big shock to her, to find out what a mess I actually was. Even if I bared me my soul before her that didn’t mean she had to accept it. She didn’t owe me anything. Keeping her job a secret wasn’t something she should feel obligated to make up to me, I thought as I stared at her rigid back as we walked together from place to place. It was all me and my noisy self, so she had no reason to just accept my secrets.

It still stung though.

I gulped down the hot chocolate that someone passed me. It went down my throat like lava and left my throat numb and my eyes burning. My tongue felt like sand. I washed the burn away with some water I found on a table. 

The table was one of those which were brought here for Christmas. The dean let us leave them, so we could celebrate New Year’s in the same fashion. He put emphasis on ‘same’ and I could see the sinking shoulders of the seniors. They had hoped to sneak alcohol, I figured. I didn’t really care because I had no interest in getting drunk. Despite all of the vodka I got when I came to America.

Irene, who stood next, didn’t seem to be listening. She didn’t seem like she was paying attention to anything lately. She had huge bags under her eyes. I had tried asking her about them, but by the strange look that crossed her face, I could tell that she didn’t want me to pry. So I forced down words and looked away. The anxiety that it was because of me rose up.

Even more than finding the truth, I was scared of prying too much again. The incident with Jeremy still haunted me, whenever I happened to pass that hall or even when I was around the said guy. Even if there were no physical indicators on him that something like that had happened, I could still the pale and furious eyes. I wish he and Kanan were here.

Another cup of hot chocolate was thrust into my hand. I looked up at Irene, who had looked away already. I suddenly felt annoyed. I wanted to make her keep her eyes on my face. Even if my stomach felt like lead.

‘I love hot chocolate.’ I said. Then mentally hit myself. Really, Nina, hot chocolate?

‘Me too.’ Irene answered after an awful pause, ‘I used to have a lot of problems with teeth because of it, though.’ 

‘What? How? How much did you drink it?’

‘Oh, a ton. I wouldn’t sleep until I had a big cup. I would throw tantrums if there was none and Mother had to get it for me from a local store. In the morning too, she could only bribe me out of bed early with hot chocolate.’ A small smile appeared on her face. I couldn’t help my own lips mirroring it.

‘Did you not get sick of it?’ I chuckled.

‘How could I?’ she mocked offense, ‘Mother’s hot chocolate is one of a kind. Legendary. No one could hold back. All of our neighbors came if they smelled any, so Grandma always scolded Mother if she forgot to shut the windows when she made it. ‘Those beggars stealing our treasure, huh, Ai?’ Grandma would always say to me.’ She giggled, then went quiet. ‘I’d kill to have another cup. This is shit compared to it.’ She tipped her cup a bit in a demonstration. She looked sad again. But not guarded. So I spoke up.

‘Mom had a similar signature thing to make, but hers were pancakes. Not the thick brown ones they make in America, but the think yellowish Russian ones. She made them every Saturday, so we called that day the blessed…’ I broke off,’… jeez. What was the word? The day when everyone cleans?’ Irene looked confused, so I decided to forget about that.

‘Never mind that. Let’s just say we called it ‘The Blessed Day’. Lila, Dad and me would race to the kitchen in the morning to get to eat the pancake on top. It was the driest, but hottest one, so it was perfect. I once broke a toe racing Lila, because she pushed me into a counter. I still ate pancakes before going to the hospital.’ Irene was chuckling beside me, posture relaxed. My heart soared at the sight. Her blue hair was in a small ponytail, so I could watch every muscle of her face move in her giggles.

‘But, man, Mom’s pancakes were…’ I made a groaning noise. ‘So good. We had them with everything. Sometimes jams, chocolate butter or whipped cream. Other days we would wrap white cheese and—I think it’s called Greek yogurt in English?—anyway it was my favorite one. Then we’d eat them at lunch with salmon. We even ate them with fruits.’   
My mouth was watering in a way only thoughts of Mom’s pancakes could make. I could practically smell the sweet aroma of them and see the sunlight streaming from behind the curtains in the kitchen as I ran inside. Could picture Lila’s face as she stuffed herself with pancakes and then complained to everyone about weighing a ton. Could see Dad wrapping cheese inside a pancake for me and Mom, while chewing one.

Irene looked enthralled by my descriptions. I made a mental note to ask Mom send me some.

‘Lila ruined her teeth once like you, too. Her favorite filling was chocolate, so it was no surprise she came crying one day, holding her cheek. Mom was so worried about her teeth after that, but me and Dad nearly burst from how hard we laughed.’

Irene’s laughter quietened. I looked up at her. The look was back again. The lost look. I fought the urge to scream. Why? Why was she upset again? What did I say?

Then a thought hit me. Was it because she had no family left? I wasn’t sure if she actually had none, but the way she talked about her mother in a past tense spoke for itself.

Horrible guilt filled me. I was so inconsiderate, I realized. I’m not the only person who could lose others. I had my parents still. But Irene? I had no idea if she had any relatives left. And I never asked. Something always stopped me.

‘Anyways, let’s go and check out the room.’ I tried for a lighthearted tone. It sounded false even to my own ears. She followed me nonetheless. Somehow I couldn’t find my excitement for tonight anymore.

 

It was 23:46 and everyone was buzzed. Literally. Some guys had sneaked in champagne and even beer and were giving them out in juice boxes. It was a pretty good plan, but something told me by the dean’s small grin that they weren’t that successful.

Everyone had danced and sang. I didn’t know a lot of songs since I never really listened to popular English songs and the once I knew were the most mainstream songs. It was enough for me to sing along for a bit. My voice was good enough to not be embarrassing, though it paled next to Irene’s. 

I didn’t dance and neither did Irene. Well, we did if bobbing heads and stepping from one foot to another is dancing. I didn’t mind though since I didn’t feel eager to join the noisy pile of bodies that occupied most of the room. It was a lot rowdier than Christmas. Probably alcohol’s work.

I actually chatted with some people, too. Some asked how I usually celebrated back at home, some even asked me to dance. But I didn’t do the latter. I couldn’t help be aware of the black eyes that watched me. I stayed behind with her.

Irene was quiet. I can’t say it was strange since her chatty mood and her silent mood switched back and forth often. She didn’t look gloomy, though. I caught her tapping her foot once or twice, to which she blushed, saying how even she knew some pop songs. I didn’t get Americans and their musical issues, with how some belittle pop and others make fun of ‘emo’ music. It was just music. So I showed her not to be embarrassed by swaying from side to side, occasionally playfully bumping into her. She giggled and mimicked me. 

I was having fun.

Suddenly the music stopped abruptly, then switched on a quieter song.

‘Five minutes. Find your pair!’ someone yelled from the crowd. Chaos erupted. Everyone started running from one place to another, grasping other people.

‘Wh—what is happening?!’ I turned to Irene. 

Irene looked strange again. But it was different. I couldn’t see her face well in the dimly lit room.

‘Irene?’ I asked again.

Irene cleared her throat.

‘This is—‘

‘Find someone to smooooch!’ a guy yelled in my face. He suddenly popped up from behind me, cutting off Irene.

‘To what?’ I asked, in case I somehow misheard. I didn’t, apparently, because the guy ran a hand through his hair and leaned his body closer to mine.

‘I can show.’ He winked and I suppressed a gag. I was formulating an escape plan when I felt a hand on the small of my back. A familiar blue made its way in my field of vision.

‘You can show it to the toilet. You look like you’re about pass out.’ And Irene was right. I noticed how red the guy’s face was and how prominent the stagger in his walk was.

‘What, you gonna do it?’ he slurred and pointed a finger at her, nearly poking my eye out. ‘ Didn’t know ya were into that, huh, Ching Chong! Or whatever was your name.’ he hiccupped with laughter.

I felt a surge of annoyance and pushed him. Hard. Something like a snarl tore out of me.

He staggered and toppled on the person who stood behind. It turned out to be a teacher. Her spectacles glared menacingly in the dark room. She grabbed him by the arm and hauled him away, probably back to the dorms, while he cursed like a sailor.

I felt hot smugness burn within me. Forcing himself on me was one thing. Talking to Irene like that…That wasn’t something I could avert my eyes from.

‘Fucking hypocrite.’ Irene hissed, watching him until he disappeared out of the room.

‘Yeah.’ I said. I then noticed how hard my heart was beating. I placed a hand on it. It wasn’t anger or triumph. No, I knew that feeling. It was the feeling I got whenever boys approached me with those intentions. It was the anxiety I always felt whenever any member of my extended family or friends asked me if I had a special boy they should meet. 

You’ll never meet one, I thought regretfully. Then I felt angry at myself for feeling that way. 

‘You ok?’ Irene asked concern on her face visible even in the dark shadows that her hair cast. I realized that her hand never moved from my back. Even with the blasting music, I could hear her perfectly from how close she was. I swallowed.

‘Yeah, yeah. I’m good.’ I nodded and smiled for good measure. It was hard to look away. I hated maintaining eye contact in close space, but at that moment I didn’t mind even a bit. Irene’s hair hung barely an inch from my forehead. ‘Happens. You know how it is.’

She didn’t look convinced, because of course she wasn’t. At that point, I should’ve got it through in my head that I can’t ever fully fool Irene Hikari.

‘Yeah…’her eyes were like black holes. They were sucking me in. Calm down, Nina, jeez…

‘But you get it a lot, don’t you? You shouldn’t pretend it’s nothing even if you’re used to it.’ Irene said, voice full of seriousness.

‘Wait…what do you mean ‘a lot’?’ I questioned.

‘Well, you know…you get it a lot. Guys hitting on you.’ Irene declared and broke eye contact, while I had an inner meltdown.

‘What makes you think that?’ I stammered.

‘No, it’s just—you’re just…’ her eyes jumped from side to side, never settling on my face. ‘Ugh, other days you make me it so easy to talk, but now!’

‘Easy to talk?’

‘If you haven’t noticed, I’m not really a ‘people’ person. I’m not good at interacting for anything besides intel for energy extraction. I…tend to block out those around me. But I can’t do that with you.’ She finally looked into my eyes. Something burned in my stomach from those eyes. ‘Even if I try to, you always get me speaking. I can never think properly when I’m around you.’

Irene sounded so awkward, yet so earnest. The purplish color of her cheeks stood out to me clearer than anything. 

My brain was about to explode and my chest was about to cave in. She looked like an actual hero to me at that moment. Holding me by the waist, having just saved me from a creep. Assumed I get hit on a lot, said she can’t ignore me properly. Distantly I heard someone yell something about a minute.

‘So…I’m—I don’t want you to be cornered by guys like that. You deserve better. A fucking prince is what you should get....’

The familiar drop in my stomach. My face almost dropped into a frown. Almost. I saw an opportunity to make my move. I decided to be coy.

’15, 14,…’

‘Well, that’s no good…’ I brushed a stray hair behind her ear and watched her stunned eyes flick to my hand. ‘Since I’m not really fond of princes.’

‘9, 8…!’

‘It—it was just a comparison. You know what I mean—! Irene exclaimed.

‘I only like princesses.’ I finished and reached for her hand behind my back and pressed a kiss to her cheek as a ‘Happy New Year!’ went up around the room.

I pulled back and gave her a wide smile. It turned into a burst of laughter at her gaping red face. I doubled over and couldn’t stop my laugh. I felt like a weight had dropped from a chain on my neck. Tears streamed down my face as I watched her stammer in embarrassment. Flustered Irene was cute. I mentally added it to her other cute sides.

As the saying goes, ‘The way you spend New Year’s, that way will you year go.’

As I stared at Irene’s burning but bright face, for the first time in the last years I prayed that it was true.


	10. Hikaru Nara

‘Who the hell invented essays? No, really who in the world decided giving people writing assignments? I’m not gonna get dumber if I don’t reach the minimum of the word count…I hate this.’

‘Nina, complaining non-stop for hours won’t make anyone ban essays.’

‘They should! It’s useless and a waste of time. Back at home, we got essays tasks for literature only.’

‘What, really? What about other subjects?’

‘For history, geography, and biology we’d learn paragraphs on topics we were covering and take tests. Physics, math, and chemistry are exercises and sometimes we’d retell theory.’

‘Theory?’

‘Like, the laws of those sciences. ‘Theory’ can mean that in Russian.’

‘Weird. What about languages?’

‘Oh, mostly speaking practices and reading. Learned words too. The school program’s not enough to be fluent though. I only know English because of my Dad.’

‘Oh, is he an English teacher?’

‘Yup. He’s super good at explaining the nuances of the language. He helped me with Russian, too.’

‘Wait, is ‘Russian’ a lesson for literature, like the way it’s called ‘English’ here?’

‘Nah, it’s all grammar and writing. You’d think seniors should know their mother tongue by the time they graduate, but our education system doesn’t agree, apparently.’

‘Woah, that sucks!’

‘Right?’

‘How much longer are you lazy asses going waste time?’ Kanan’s annoyed voice cut like a blade through the air. His face was impassive, but his gaze was murderous. The opened book in his hands and glasses sitting on his nose made me feel like a teacher caught me cheating on an exam.

‘Aw c’mon, Kanan, give us a break already,’ Jeremy whined, but still obediently opening his book where he had left off. Whipped.

‘You get a break when you finish at least one topic.’ Kanan retorted. ‘You asked me to make you focus on revising. This is how I work.’ The sharp ‘whoosh’ as he flipped a page echoed through Jeremy’s room.

‘It’s barely New Year and they’re already making us study,’ I groaned. ‘New material too. How am I supposed to learn new stuff, when I barely managed to fit the old stuff in my brain? Let us revise! ’ I stretched out the ‘i’ dramatically. 

‘You learned it, didn’t you? Revised before exams too. Why shouldn’t you start new material?’ Kanan questioned. The glasses didn’t suit him, I decided, made him look cross-eyed.

‘You misunderstand one thing about us, casuals, for we, unlike your bright self,’ I kept up my dramatic tone, ‘forget what we learned the moment we’re out of the exam room. Poof.’ I made a hand gesture to accompany my words. Jeremy nodded vigorously. Kanan just rolled his eyes and motioned for me to go back reading.

We were cramped up in the small space of the said guy’s floor. The library had been noisy so Kanan turned away from it the moment we heard the voices echoing from the room. Since it was cold outside and mine and Kanan’s roommates were in, we opted for Jeremy’s room. His roommate was never there anyway, he said casually, which I thought he should be more concerned about.

But the room was way too cozy to focus. The moment I plopped down on the bed, I had an urge to nap. Jeremy too began messing with the pillows, distracted from our original goal, so Kanan ordered us to sit on the ground. Jeremy and I protested at first but the fiery glare forced us down. At least the carpet was soft.

I sat leaning against Jeremy’s bed, while Jeremy took the same position against roommate’s bed. Kanan sat on a chair next to the desk, effectively towering over us. I gestured at him in accusation, but he only smiled and took out his awfully huge political theory book.

While sitting on the floor worked for not dosing off, but it made me get curious in the room around. I’ve never been to a boy’s room before if you exclude cousin’s. I looked around at the crumbled shirts on the floor and dirty socks hanging literally everywhere. I wrinkled my nose. The romance manga lied about the excitement of boys’ rooms. The only rush I felt was to get a mop and start laundry.

‘Nina, would you stop glaring at my socks?’ Jeremy spoke up from the other side of the room. He looked curious, but I knew it was just to do anything other than study, like me.

‘Would you clean your room?’ I accused, but with no real malice.

‘I will, I will, it’s just it takes a lot of ti—‘

‘Jeremy.’ Kanan glared.

‘Fine, fine, Mr. Alshawi. I’m reading, jeez…’ Jeremy grumbled.

‘Some of them are mine, too.’ Kanan mumbled after a short pause blushing a bit, making both me and Jeremy to look up at the same time. So he’s bored too.

‘So domestic,’ I teased. ‘I forgive your laundry then, Jeremy. Your husband too.’

‘Oh, shut it, Nina.’ Kanan said. ‘Like you can talk. With the way you moon over Hikari.’

‘M-moon?! I don’t moon over anyone!’ I yelled, but I knew it was useless. My face was burning already.

‘Sure,’ Jeremy replied shortly. It infuriated me how much sarcasm was there.

‘I don’t—She is not! I don’t moon over her.’ I crossed my arms and looked away. ‘It’s not like she’d actually care if I did.’

‘What do you mean? Of course she would!’ Kanan said, but I wouldn’t look at him.

‘Yeah! You’re basically attached at the hip! You hang out even more than we do. Being both art majors and all.’ Jeremy supplied.

‘Yeah, but…’

I tried not to show emotion on my face. But it was useless, as I sniffled. I never could keep my emotions in check if it concerned Irene.

‘Hey…’ Kanan was next to me, but not touching me. I appreciated it because if he did I would’ve slapped him probably.

‘Tell us if you can.’ Jeremy was crouched before me; I looked up at his kind expression. For the first time, I noticed how good-looking he was. ‘We will listen, at least.’

I took a deep breath and wiped my nose. I giggled then, which startled them.

‘Why do you two always end up seeing me like this, I wonder. I haven’t had anyone see me this vulnerable in a while. America made me mellow.’ I smiled at them, but despair prickled at me. 

‘Well, I like emotional crybaby Nina, so I’m cool with this bonding.’ Kanan said. I was a bit startled at his words. ‘I knew you were hiding yourself a lot, so I was glad I could be one of those people who you showed yourself to. It’s kind of hilarious how bratty you actually are. So, no matter what you tell us, we’re here.’ I hit his arm at the brat comment, he pinched my side. Somehow these gestures made me love Kanan more.

‘I’ve noticed how you were different after the holidays. You were weird around Irene. I don’t really know her, but I could tell something changed between you. I should’ve asked you then. I’m sorry.’ Jeremy said. The self-deprecating frown looked wrong on his friendly face. 

I stayed quiet for a moment. I looked at the two of them. A couple. Football players. A law major and a physics major. My friends.

‘You’re right, Jeremy. Things are different with me and Irene now. She…she is distant. For some reason, she’s pulling away from me. I don’t know why, ok?’ I added when Jeremy opened his mouth to ask.

I paused, then ‘Actually, scratch that. I know two possible reason why she is like that. And both of them mean it’s my fault…’

Jeremy and Kanan were listening intently. I couldn’t look at them.

‘The first time I noticed she was being weird was after—after I told her about Lila.’ Jeremy gasped and covered his mouth. Kanan’s frown deepened and his eyes narrowed. 

‘Because of that…? She—‘ Jeremy began to say, but I broke him off.

‘It’s fine. Even if it was the reason, I can’t blame her. It’s a lot.’ I balled up my hands into fists.

‘Nina—‘

‘But it’s not just because of pity or disgust. At least I think so.’ I said. ‘I think the fact that she has no family made my words even more awful to her. I mean, how selfish it probably sounded since I talked about it from the perspective of my parents. And she-she fought for herself alone. I could tell from the day I met her. She…Irene is a fighter. It’s that image that made me attracted to her from day one. ’ I smiled despite myself. 

I could remember the day she strode in late and scolded the teacher. He had given her the wrong number of the room. She said it to his face and just went and sat like nothing had happened. If it was me there that day, I would’ve been worried sick about being late on the first day. I wouldn’t even consider in my fear that it wasn’t my fault.

I snapped out of my too detailed memory of how pretty she had looked to me that day. And the following days too.

The boys were looking at me strangely, so I continued, ‘So in comparison, I’m kind of pathetic. Maybe that annoyed her.’ 

‘Well, sorry, Nina, but if that’s the reason she is cold to you, then she’s a mythical bitch.’ Jeremy said.

‘That’s not the only thing!’ I jumped to defend her. ‘We talked after that! We got better for a moment, but I mentioned my family again and she went quiet…And then,’ I buried my face in my hands.

‘What? What did you say? Nina?’ Jeremy tried to pry my hands away from my face but I held on.

‘I-I made a move on her.’ I mumbled. My face burned underneath my palms.

They probably gaped at first, because their yell rang out a beat later.

‘What did you do?!’ Kanan exclaimed.

‘What could you’ve possibly done to make her avoid you?! Did you jump her or something?!’ Jeremy shrieked.

‘Of course I didn’t! Who do you think I am?!’

‘Then what?’ Kanan looked like he was just about o accept whatever I told him. Even if I told him I stabbed her or something.

‘I kissed her. On the cheek, only the cheek! But I did.’ I said.

They both looked confused now.

‘When did that happened?’

‘The countdown to New Year,’ I sad and told them about the guy who came around and how Irene helped send him off and how she talked to me. And how I told her I didn’t like guys. And how she blushed when I brushed her cheek with my mouth. I couldn’t stop the dreamy sigh that left me.

‘Stop the face. What are you, a romance-comedy character?’ Jeremy shook his head, but he was smiling.

‘But I kind of see what Irene meant. In a way,’ Kanan had leaned back against the bed, next to me. ‘You have that atmosphere around you. Like glue.’

‘What the hell?’ I gave him a look.

‘You attach yourself, Nina. When I first saw you with Irene I thought you were gluing herself to her. Hanging off of her. But it’s different now.’ He gave me a thin smile. ‘Now you walk on equal ground with her, even if you beat yourself up. You share something more than that now. You are gluing things to her now. Her talkativeness is one thing you glued.’

I stared at him. Did I really change that much? I thought of how I trailed after Lila and realized that I did. I was a lot more in control with Irene, more concerned for her than I had been for Lila before her death.

‘Let’s not lose track of the conversation. What happened next? Did she misunderstand or something?’ Jeremy saw how conflicting my face must’ve been and covered for me.

‘No, she got my intentions pretty clearly. She was blushing and laughing and we spend the rest of the night together. No, not like that, pervert,’ I hurried to add upon noticing Jeremy’s sneaky grin. ‘She was fine, good even. I thought…I thought, maybe, I had a chance. But the next day and the next day and the next…she talked less and less to me. She went to the dining hall with me on January first but didn’t show on second. Have to practice violin, she said…’

I hugged my knees and pressed my face against them. ‘So I guess I’m, how you say it…off the hook? Or something.’

‘Nina…’ Jeremy said gently. He put his hand on my head making me look up at him. He looked so sad, it made fresh tears well-up in my eyes.

‘There’s something wrong with this whole thing,’ Kanan said. ‘I don’t believe she’d react like that to you making a move on her.’

I glared at him, ‘And why you think that? I’m not exactly a catch, with all of the angst and insecurities. Hell, she probably saw how fake I am. Or…’ My voice faltered. ‘She might not even like girls…She must’ve been so uncomfortable! Oh god, why did I force myself on her…’

‘You make it sound like you raped her. Ow, don’t hit me! I’m just saying, ok?’ Kanan rubbed his arm. ‘Besides, I’ve seen you two. You’re gross when you’re together. Stop hitting me! I meant in a good way, woman.’

‘He’s right. You two are always together, whispering, walking, and eating. I saw you feed her once, for God’s sake!’ Jeremy shook my hand with the hand that was still on it. I pushed it off.

‘She hurt her arm! I was—was just helping.’

‘She totally lied so you feed her.’

‘Hundred percent.’

‘Shut up!’

‘Our point is,’ Kanan raised his voice. ‘What the two of you have is not just friendship. I can see that. Jeremy can see that. And why she is cold to you…You have to ask her straight.’

‘Ask her very gayly, rather.’ Jeremy snickered.

‘This is serious!’ I exclaimed.

‘Don’t overdramatize, Nina. It’s probably her being unsure about her feelings. Yeah, that’s probably it. No, it is! I’m telling you!’ Jeremy patted my shoulder. I blanched under the weight.

‘Even if it’s not that, you should talk. This won’t solve itself on its own.’ Kanan said. ‘Don’t stress this much over it. I can see how much you care for her. I get it.’ I saw how he placed his hand on top of Jeremy’s. I smiled despite my own foul mood.

I felt better. I felt tougher. I felt like I could face her.

But the fixed bone-deep anxiety in me persisted. The boys had no real idea of the type of bond the two us had. They would’ve been less enthusiastic had they know the reason we even began talking.

The moment I felt Irene grow distant, fear gripped me. But it wasn’t the usual fear I had, one that festered whenever someone important to me began losing contact with me. My middle school friends, my distant family, my neighbors. The horror that gnawed at me deep in the nights was brought by the guarded faces I met when I began talking to those people again after years of isolation. They looked at me cautiously, spoke carefully, touched gently like I might break. I despised it.

But Irene was different. She didn’t come around because of my flimsy personality, or my boring sense of humor, or my secret bratty nature. She was there because of me being noisy. If I hadn’t spied on her that day, hadn’t found out her secret, hadn’t made her worried about revealing her secret, then she would have never even spoken to me. And why would she? I had nothing to offer her. I couldn’t comfort her or amuse her, and the only time I tried to help ended up in a disaster.

I remember how warm she sounded that day in the library. She said she wanted to tell someone, at least once. That I was the first person for her to tell. I had felt so happy, I hadn’t considered that anyone else could have been in my place. I’d made her my hostage, how could she say she hated being around me? Irene probably said all of that to keep me quiet. I couldn’t blame her since a part of me always whispered how she was there only for a sliver of a knowledge I stole from her.

She must’ve finally realized how pathetic I was. If I couldn’t get over a death for years, how could I keep such a big secret? She probably wanted to quietly pull away from me, since she saw it was no use dealing with someone like me.

My past 5 years must’ve been the last drop for her. I was simply too much baggage. 

I felt a heaviness settle over my chest. A crushing feeling surrounded my throat.

I smiled and gave the boys a thankful look. They wouldn’t know how selfish I was for making them worried about me. And so, selfishly once again, I let myself be happy that they cared for my tears.

‘Thanks, Kanan, Jeremy,’ I wanted to hug them, but the guilt was just too much. ‘I’ll talk to her. For better or worse, it will be settled.’

They gave me worried looks as I left the room and headed back. It was past ten. The lights were still on, but the quiet meant that everyone had gone to sleep.

As I lay in bed that night, I thought of Irene. Of her glossy sky hair, of her sunny smile, of her dark captivating eyes. 

I’ll help you get rid of some of your worries. I’ll let you get rid of me. You’re the only one I can bear to leave if it is what you want.

I welcomed my nightmares like old friends.


	11. Feel Something

I’ve never been a good kid. I was that one child you hear crying in a toy store, demanding to buy whatever I wanted. The one you’d see bawling at the sight of clowns. I wouldn’t listen to anyone; never let anyone that wasn’t Mom, Dad or Lila home. I never shared toys or said hi to anyone. Basically, I was a pain in the butt.

Mom and Dad got a lot of complaints about my behavior from school and babysitters. They tried to reason with me, to teach me manners. After all, they raised Lila, the nicest and most polite person there was. Surely they could teach even a wayward kid like me after Lila. The best human being, they always said to me, in hopes of me trying following in her steps. It made me angry. It made me feel like they didn’t like me like they liked Lila more. To this day, I think they did.

They got fed up one day. I had thrown my fifth birthday’s cake on the floor, yelling about it not being chocolate. Mom broke down. She started yelling at me about how tired she was of me, how I made her life unbearable, what a monster I was. Why couldn’t I be like Lila? Dad wasn’t trying to stop and that was what made my shock turn into tears. Then Lila came in and started yelling too. But at them.

I will never forget her face as she screamed at them. How angry and hurt she looked, how awful tears looked on her face. She called them awful for saying things like that, for treating me like a second rate person and for comparing us. She was ten and I was only five, she screamed, how could we be compared.

Mom and Dad yelled her to for talking back, but they looked as shocked as I felt.   
Her face was twisted into a tearful grimace, her lip wobbling as she cradled me to her chest. I didn’t resist. She was crushing me in her arms as she carried me away. I vividly remember her face from where I lay my head on her shoulder. She looked crushed but determined. I thought she looked like the coolest person ever.

‘If you don’t want her, then I don’t want you!’ she said as she slammed our bedroom door behind us.

She didn’t speak to them for a week, even when Mom and Dad began to be nice to me, the way they were before. I didn’t dare be naughty after that.

I would paddle in Lila’s room whenever she left the room to avoid them, hands clutching as many toys as I could. I dump them on her bed and budge them toward her. She’d roll her eyes but take them. She’d kiss me all over the face and cuddle me afterward. 

The day before Mom and Dad had to take her to the parent-teacher meeting they made up. I wasn’t there, because I was taking my nap, but when I woke up I found them huddled together on the sofa. I threw myself on top of them and they laughed. When we were preparing for bed that night Lila came and sat on my bed. She grasped my face and told me to listen carefully.

‘You are a great girl, Nina. Don’t listen to anyone. Even if Mom or Dad or other people don’t understand how good you are, I do. You are my partner! We have adventures to go to when I get older and become an adult, so don’t cry or be mean till then. Sissies and meanies aren’t good for adventures. I know because no explorer is a sissy in cartoons or books.’

Her long reddish hair had tickled my face as I lay on my side next to her. She had dark eyes unlike me, Mom or Dad. I thought it was cool how she really was a special person in the family. Like she was a super alien. Like Superman! 

I asked her if she really would take me with her on adventures. What if she started to be angry at me when we got there? Would she leave me alone in the jungle?!

‘No way, Ninochka. Let me tell you a secret, but don’t tell Dad or Mom. Swear! Good girl. So the secret is...’ she paused dramatically. ‘You are my favorite person!’

‘Really?’ I asked. My five-year-old brain couldn’t comprehend being someone’s favorite. I was more used to people being angry with me and telling me I was a problem.

‘Yup! I love you most. Those meanies in the other room will get it for messing with my baby sister!’ she exclaimed, but I saw the tears that were in her eyes when she mentioned Mom and Dad. Even if they made up, the hurt was still there.

‘But they said I’m a monster and stuff…Monsters are bad, you can’t love them.’ I told her seriously.

‘Even if you are one, I still like you. I like you even if you are naughty or mean. After all, look how cuuute you are!’ She pressed my cheeks together in a way I didn’t like so I whined. She laughed and gave each a sloppy kiss.

‘I’m your big sister, so I’ll always protect you, Nina.’

‘Promise?’ I extended a pinky to her. She hooked her pinky around it.

‘Promise, Ninochka!’

I woke up with last syllables of my nickname dying away in my brain. I felt the wetness on my face with my hand. So that was the tickle I felt on my face. I muffled my sob with a pillow. 

I left my bed as dawn broke. I unhurriedly shrugged on the clothes I wore the day before. I didn’t bother to be quiet since my roommate was out at some party. I washed my face with cold water and tied my hair, which I usually never do. My face looked way too round without hair surrounding it. I made sure to cover the bags under my eyes with make-up.

It was still way too early to go eat so I sat at my desk and watched the rising sun. I let myself not think of anything. I tried to, at least.

My stomach hurt and my hands were cold. I took deep breathes to try and calm myself. Dread at what was to come was eating away at parts of my brain I tried to suppress. I tried to think of the topic I picked out for my Literature essay. Tatyana’s verse of rejection at Onegin. Goddamit.

Instead of dwelling on that I closed my eyes from the pink sky and focused all of myself on Irene only. None of my feelings, worries or guilt in the way of the vision of her. The girl who stole my heart the second I saw her. I visualized the day I first saw her. Almost five months have passed.

The day I met her was actually one I almost decided was the worst day of my life.

It was still the first week of classes, and like a proper student and freshman, I should’ve woken up earlier and gave myself more time to find my classrooms and met up with my supervisor to get my full timetable.

But of course, as my mom always says, ‘Brazilian TV shows will go out of style before Nina decides to be responsible with her time.’

In short, I ended up running out barely in time on no food whatsoever, hair a mess, sweaty and greasy. You’d figure that watching a full season of an anime would be a bad idea on a weeknight.

I barely made it and took the front seat. I forced myself to shoot a sheepish smile at the professor. He ignored me.

I was still as a statue in my seat, muscles so tight I could almost feel how much they would hurt later. I watched some students gather lazily into the auditorium and felt underdressed. I probably looked terrified. I felt terrified. And gross too. Oh god, why didn’t I shower?

But all of that blanked out of my mind soon. Because Irene had just walked into my life.

It would sound shallow if I said that the basis of my attraction at first was her looks. But as I watched her bobbing soft-looking hair and slim waist I couldn’t care to even pretend to not look. She was in combat boots and her steps echoed even with the murmur of conversation behind me. She was in a black skirt and a fitting dark blue blouse that made her look both cute and hot. I tried not to ogle the slope from her waist to her hips.

What made me even more enamored was her face. It looked fierce, the way a protagonist of an action movie looks when they confront their archenemy. She looked like someone I would have cheered for, even if she wasn’t rightfully angry.

She didn’t immediately go to take a seat. Instead, she rounded on the professor, one hand falling to rest on his desk. She then downright scolded the teacher in front of the whole class. He’d given her the wrong information and she had trouble getting there. She made it clear that she was not happy about that. The teacher looked on in shock as she turned away from him—very gracefully, like an ice-skater preparing to awe the audience with their routine—and went up and sat at the very back.

I forced myself to look away from her. I held my breath as she walked past me to the upper seats. I was a bit light-headed and only glimpses of blue locks were the clear images in my head. I’d be lying if I said my neck didn’t hurt the next day from the many times I turned to steal glances at her that day.

From that day my mind and my heart were taken over by Irene Hikari.

My daily life began circling around her. My days were spent trying to get sights of her in the dining hall, making detours to my classes just so I could pass by rooms where she sat and looking for excuses to look at her.

She was what I thought of as ‘perfect’. She talked back and argued; she was cold to those who she didn’t like and ignored those who didn’t interest her. Her smiles weren’t frequent but they were all undeniable genuine and very dimpled. 

I saw her play on her guitar and while my taste in music was nonexistent, I could listen to her play for hours. Which I never did though, because I knew I’d get noticed by the rest of her group. Or even she would. The thought both excited and terrified me.

Irene was the very opposite of what I was, of who I was. It felt like I was the Moon and she was the Earth. I didn’t mind the rest of the Solar system around me. I just wanted to go around her again and again. 

Watching her was addicting to me. She was the single most magical thing I have ever encountered.

That image of I had of Irene never changed as I got to know her. But she became more real. Her short temper wasn’t just something I saw from the other side of the room, but something I’ve been a witness and a victim of. Her blunt nature was not just a point on a list of her qualities to me anymore, but something I sought out when I had trouble making choices or understanding my mistakes. Her loud laugh wasn’t just a faraway echo, but a clear melody right by my ear. She wasn’t magical in a figurative sense anymore. She was magic. Real magic, I now new and sat next. She felt touchable, reachable. I wanted her to reach out, the way I had been from that late summer morning. 

But I was naïve. Why would she keep a hold on the leash around her neck? I was only there because I knew about her crystal.

Now here I was: alone, sad and horrible. I haven’t changed, I realized. I was still staking my whole world, my whole sanity and my whole heart on a person who, no matter how much I want them to be, isn’t part of me. I lost someone who was my own soul, my teammate, my sister. I didn’t see what she had gone through. I called her and skyped her but I never noticed. I lost her, blinded by my self-centered nature. And if it hadn’t been bad enough, I had made it about myself and my feelings after Lila was gone. I didn’t look beyond my own misery at my parents, at my friends and at the future Lila had tried to blossom for me. I just pretend I didn’t see. But I did see. I saw everything. I saw ways out of my longing, knew ways I could elevate my own regret and comfort my parents. I knew I could continue living like she wanted me to. I knew that no matter what Lila faced in the end, she wished the world for me like I did for her.

I had thought I had finally stood up again, albeit shakily and evasive of the clearer but rockier pass. But the minute I saw that blue head appear I had tried to tie myself again. I didn’t even dream of her replacing Lila, they were as similar as fire and water. But my heart must’ve thought, ‘If I can’t find my mirror, I might as well find my Yang.’

So I jumped at the opportunity to be her only one, the first person for her to reveal her secret to. I was hungry for that bond again, for the bond that cannot be untied with anything but death. I knew I was falling to my end, to despair, but as I looked at her worried face as I was almost consumed by rage I knew I would not mind dissolving into nothing so I could feel even for a moment that I was as important to her.

However, she finally gave up on trying being around me. She got tired, I supposed, of watching me so I don’t spill her secret. She was just too kind to chase me out in words. So I decided to give her that opportunity. Anything, if it meant never seeing Irene glancing at me and then quickly looking away.

I can’t be baggage again. Or a chain around a throat. I will set her free of m if it’s what she wants. 

I thought of Jeremy and Kanan’s worried faces. I won’t make them slaves to my weakness either.

I was at her door finally, after hours of pacing and coming up with what to say. I was sure I was bound to burn the wooden door with my eyes soon. I tugged my sleeves down over my cold clammy hands. My teeth dug into my cheek.

Before I would finally give up and leave and spend more time wallowing in the dark, I knocked.

Here was a horrible minute of no answer. Ugly hope began bubbling up in me. Maybe I won’t have to do it today. But then the door opened. She looked at me for a second, her eyes half-lidded before her whole face twisted in surprise. Her reaction wasn’t unexpected since it was the first time I came here myself.

I’ve never actually come around Irene’s room before, with all of the pining and low-key stalking. Even when we started spending time together it was always Irene coming around to get me or just catching me at the dining hall at breakfast. I had giddily thought that it meant that she cared enough to come first, but there was little chance that that had been the case now.

While my room was a few steps from the stairs that led down to the Main Hall and from opened up to the rest of the campus, Irene’s room was in the far corner of the floor, so I never had any non-stalker reasons to go there. But as I looked at her bewildered expression I wished I had, would’ve saved myself from how obviously unusual my presence here was.

She held my gaze for a few seconds, then looked away and ran a hand through her hair. She was still in pajamas. It reminded of the time she barged in on me in that exact state. Except that she looked effortlessly good, as per usual, which made me incredibly envious of her roommate who got to see her like that every day. Speaking of roommates, a loud snore resonated from the room and made me jump, having been so on edge and tense. I almost cringed in embarrassment, but a sight of a smile on Irene’s face, that she covered partially with a hand, made me pause. A pang in my chest. Not now.

‘Irene,’ I mimicked her usual way of greeting. I waited to hear my name.

But she didn’t say anything. Her face was hard again, stature on guard.

‘What’s up?’ her voice was light. Any trace of hope I had was flushed away.

‘I, I need to talk to you.’ I said as firmly as I could. I curled my hands into fists and dug my nails in to stop their shaking.

‘…Now?’ she raised an eyebrow. I wanted to run my fingers over it. Stop it.

‘Yes.’ I said. ‘I—I mean if you can. If you’re not busy, that is. You weren’t busy, were you?’

‘I was asleep.’ Crap.

‘Oh no, I’m so sorry. I didn’t—I just wanted to speak in the morning, you know. More sun, more time, easier to talk. You know?’ I blabbered. This was so bad.

Her expression was very still. Not a single muscle seemed to move in her face. I tried not to look too desperate in comparison. 

She looked thoughtful for a moment then she nodded, ‘Alright. Let’s talk.’

I couldn’t stop my smile, ‘Great!’

Having not let go of the handle once since stepping out, she was closing the door, so I added quickly:

‘Um, can I…?’ I pointed to the door.

She shook her head quickly, ‘No. Wait for me here. Ok?’

Realizing that I had already taken a step forward, I took a hasty step back.

‘Of course, of course. I’m, um, I’ll wait here.’ I gave her a smile. It wobbled. She didn’t give me another glance as she closed the door behind herself. 

I immediately slapped my hands against my cheeks, the sound echoing so loudly I flinched. I prayed she hadn’t heard that. Though I knew I’ve made a joke out of myself enough in the last minute for her not to be too surprised.

‘This is bad,’ I whispered in my palms.

At least the halls were empty, I thought and decided to distract myself on the phone with checking time. 8 a.m. I cursed myself. No wonder she was asleep. What kind of lunatic wakes up on this early on a Sunday in university? I think Irene knew the answer to that now.

The door opened exactly seven minutes later. She had changed into a pair of leggings and a sweater-dress. Her hair was in a tiny ponytail and she wasn’t wearing her piercing for the first time. The detail surprised me, but not enough for my mind not to squeal at how cute she looked. Her mouth looked strangely bare. Don’t go there.

‘Do you want to talk here or...?’ Irene asked. She was studying the wall behind my head. I wanted to make a face just so she’d look at me and laugh at me.

‘It’s early, so if we speak too loudly we’ll end up waking the whole place up.’

‘Dining hall then?’

‘Still closed.’ I waved my hand. ‘I thought we could go outside. It’s not that cold, and we’ll get fresh air.’

Her eyes wandered back to me for a split second. I wanted to give her a mile, but then she was turning away, walking to the stairwell. I half-walked half-ran after.

 

‘I’m sorry again for waking you up. I didn’t look at the clock at all since I woke up. I never do. Bad habit.’ I laughed nervously.

‘It’s okay. I am usually up by this time, even on Sundays. I was just surprised you were up so early.’ Irene kept her eyes on the road. 

‘Is that what surprised you? Not me even showing up, but the time?’ I snorted.

‘You were never ready when I showed up on school days, much less weekends! I just assumed you were a night owl.’ A small pout. My chest burned. How can someone be so endearing?

‘I am late a lot, I know, but that just ‘cause I’m slow at getting ready. I usually wake up very early and just lay in bed, pace or watch the sunrise.’

‘The sunrise?!’ She turned to look at me and my heart felt like it was just catapulted. She looked so incredulous and confused, her mouth was open and her hair was in her eyes and her eyebrows were up on her forehead. I almost laughed at how silly she looked.

‘I’m a very early riser.’ I rubbed the back of my head and stared down at the puddles of water in our path. Still no snow, I sighed internally.

‘How long have you been awake today then? If you say you get ready slowly, then I won’t be surprised if you say you didn’t sleep at all.’ There was amusement in her voice and I was on cloud nine.

‘I did! No, I swear I did, don’t look at me like that…It was two or three hours before the sunrise when I got up.’

She gave me a horrified look. ‘Are you serious? Nina, that’s not healthy. I know for one thing that you don’t go to bed early either. None of us do, really.’

I chuckled, ‘That’s student life for you. I know I should sleep more, and I try! I do, but going to bed early leaves homework and lots of free time wasted.’

‘What about mornings then? Sleep at least till 7.’ Irene’s worried eyes wouldn’t leave my face. 

‘Easier said than done.’ I felt my mood darken once again. ‘ I…I can’t sleep for too long. No matter how tired I am, I wake up after three or four hours of sleep. Can’t fall asleep afterward either. I kind of gave up at some point and started watching the sky every night when I wake up.’

‘Why the sky? You could watch something or read.’ Irene asked. We were near my planned destination. The small road behind her let down to the lake.

‘It’s comforting. I like looking at the dark sky full of stars, but to see the sun suddenly overrun all of that darkness is satisfying. It makes me feel rested.’ I closed my eyes for a moment. I thought of the sky I saw from out of the window in my empty room back in Moscow. Then I thought of my dorm room and how the sky was clearer here, thanks to the remote location away from the city, and how the soft breathing of my roommate and the snore that came through the walls filled up the quiet. I felt my shoulders loosen.

‘Irene, there’s something I need to tell you.’ I looked up at her. I could lift my palm just a bit and feel the cuffs of her coat.

Irene looked taken aback by the calmness of my voice. Then, as if, she became aware of something and took a step away from me. She cast a small glance behind herself. Probably thought of where she could run away to. She looked alert again.

‘Irene, you’ve been avoiding me lately.’ Her hands twitched where they were crossed. ‘And let me just say, I think you have every right to avoid me, if you don’t want to be around me anymore. I totally understand if you don’t want to hang out anymore…but understanding doesn’t mean I like it. I want you to know that the time spent with you had been the best for me in the past years. I want to be around you. I want to be with you.’ My voice pitched a bit at the end. Irene looked like someone slapped her. Before the expression could break all of my remaining resolve, I continued.

‘I told you things that aren’t pretty. I’m sure they affected the way you see me too. But if I somehow hurt you with them, I’m sorry. I can’t erase them, no matter how much I wish to. My sister won’t come back,’ I bit my lip hard, ‘the years I lost won’t come back and the trust people had in me won’t either. And I’m a burden! You’ll only waste time being with me, I know and you know. But I just—‘ my voice broke. My resolve was caving in.

‘I really thought that,’ I sniffled. ‘I thought that it would be enough for me. I wanted to be enough for you. To just be there at least for a bit. To sit next and stay with you. But I, but I was wrong. To just be there is unbearable. To watch you wreck yourself, I—‘ I wiped my face on my sleeve. The rough texture makes my skin burn.

‘I want to be there for you! To listen, to help, to know! I don’t want to lose you! I’m selfish for that, but I can’t stop it.’ I clutched the fabric over my heart. ‘Even if I’m bad, even if you don’t want me! I want to take that burden from you. I want you to believe in me, the way I believe in you. I, I—‘ My hiccupping turned hysterical. I hadn’t cried that hard in a long time.

‘I care about you more than I can handle. I can be a kind person, the person Lila thought I was and walk away and set you free! But I want to be—to be number one for you in more things. To laugh and talk and walk around and bicker and cry! I want you to see me not as someone who is there because you can’t do anything about it, but someone who’s there for you for you and who you want there. I want to be your equal.

‘I’m weak and fake and an actress but…’ I exhaled shakily and smiled at her, ‘God, this is not what I was going to say. My mouth just runs itself around you.’

I turned my face in the direction of the lake. I couldn’t really see it behind the trees. I looked back at Irene.

‘From the moment I saw you I knew I didn’t want to put up an act for you. I wanted to use the face I never wore around anyone else after I lost Lila,’ I both hands over fluttering heart, ‘my own face.’

‘I can’t.’

My blood froze. She wasn’t looking at me. She wasn’t looking at me anymore. My knees started buckling.

I opened my mouth but nothing came out. No words, no sobs, no breathes. Everything was numb and ice cold. Everything.

‘I can’t, Nina. Anyone, but me…’ Her voice was like static to my ears, something I heard but didn’t quite understand. It felt like I was miles away.

My face split into a smile that felt like it was tearing my face, ‘I figured. I don’t—I don’t know what I expected. Weird, huh? Someone as gross as me even trying. Gross, gross.’

‘Nina—‘

‘So gross, so annoying. Even though I told myself I’d let you go. I’m the worst. Should’ve been me who killed herself, no?’ My voice sounded foreign to myself.

Then a sharp pain erupted in my shoulder. I rubbed it dazed and looked back at Irene. She had tears on her face and her hand was shaking mid-air. 

‘Don’t. Ever. Say that again!’ She yelled in my face. I stared at her, but I couldn’t form an expression on my face. What was the point of trying to anyway?

‘You’d know it’s true if you ever met Lila. She’d agree too—‘

‘Lila would never tell you something like that and you know that, you idiot!’ Irene pushed me hard and I stumbled back into a tree. Suddenly the static seemed to disappear.

I stared at Irene’s panting form, tears streaming down her face even if she didn’t sob or look away. She even cried better than me.

‘What did you just say?’ I asked quietly. She shook her head, head bent and didn’t answer.

‘Why do you talk like you know Lila?’ I whispered.

She let out a choked sob and pressed her hands against her face. She sank to her knees. Any other day I would’ve dropped down to her. But I just stared at her. I felt frozen. My muscles seemed to shut down.

Irene knew Lila.

Suddenly a memory, piercing and shattering shot through me. A web of memories of instances Irene pulled away from me grew together with the day she saved Kanan and Jeremy. Her crying face and her words of regret and fear doubled with my vision, making me see two crying Irene’s. She had failed only once before.

‘Was Lila the one who you couldn’t save?’

I didn’t believe in God and never have come anywhere near even considering a power that could protect and help me from above. My family wasn’t religious either, so I was never pressured into believing However at that moment I prayed. I prayed for just a head shake. For a ‘no’. Anything.

But her shuddering form just looked up at me. Her eyes were full of misery. 

I turned away from her kneeling form and ran.


	12. Blue Bird

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi. If you've come this far I love you.  
> Irene's point of view will remain until the end.
> 
> I'm sorry.

By the time my breathing finally slowed my knees were numb. I saw that she has left. A bitter feeling rose up again and another hiccup escaped me. My hands were trembling as I held my face. I would’ve thrown up from how hard my panting and sobs were if I had anything in my stomach.

I deserved it, I thought, as I finally pushed myself off the ground and made my way down to that cursed lake. I didn’t have to try and brush away my tears or look where I was going as I knew every turn and every uneven stone in the path that leads to the lake. 

Despite how cold I was I didn’t try to zip my coat closed. The cold air set a tremble in my bones that felt good. I clenched and unclenched my fingers and felt the numbness and the snot. 

I dragged my feet to the small square of ground that sat just a bit further than the coastline. It made the smooth line between water and dirt uneven and ugly, but I thought it looked best like that. It looked like a pedestal like a small path could open up into the deep water and swallow me. It would’ve made me want to go in the water from there, if not for the fact that the bottom of the water was what made me like this. 

I dragged the sole of my shoe in the ground and drew it to myself. Then back again. And again. Until it was a deep line. Until my teeth hurt from being clenched so hard. It was something Mother told me to do whenever angry or upset.

Set a line between you and bad emotions. Do it again and again until you feel better.

It had always helped whenever I had problems with extractions. It visualized the stress I felt and the way I cut it off of myself. But as I stared into the glassy water I felt the pain stay within. For a second the water flickered and I thought I saw her face there. I outstretched my hand to it without thinking, then realized it was my own reflection staring back. I dropped my hand. Raised my foot to stomp on the water, then faltered. Stepped away and felt silly. The way it was before I met her, I would have already used Ki to absorb the pain. But I couldn’t do it then, for some reason. A weight pulled at my limbs, made me immovable.

Nina Romanova.

She had been here with me. She stood next to me, right behind me. The thought made me want to run a hand across the ground. My face scrunched up again.

I looked out at the water again. Unlike the day she first came here the water was dark, almost black, no sun to create little sparks of light to dance across the surface. I felt a chill go through me. I hoped it was only because of light that it was that dark. I felt for the warm crystal dangling on my chest. Steady beat. I exhaled. 

It was cold when it had been so warm when I met her here. It was like summer had been trying to tell me here’s your personal sunshine, don’t lose her. Summer’s words fell to deaf ears. I zipped my coat. The cold air stayed with me inside. The cuffs were wet from the puddle my hands had hit.

A new wave of emotion came over me. I pushed it down. I had always been so good at concealing my thoughts and feelings and she just had to come in and wreck all of it with her big curious eyes and her small sheepish smile.

When I met her on that fall day, I hadn’t thought much. I’ve seen a lot of pretty people in my life and while she was attractive, with her long reddish-brown hair and her short stature and deep grey eyes, I didn’t think much of her. But then she started talking. Her voice had been so soft and so unsure. She looked so shocked and so embarrassed, I almost wasn’t upset about being spied on. She stammered and blushed as I spoke to her and it made me feel strange. It made me feel that even if I was the composed one, I wasn’t in control of the situation. I wasn’t used to interacting like that. I studied her expressions, but I couldn’t find anything in them besides submission and alertness. All of her faces felt controlled. It made me curious.

The energy gathering forced me to become good at reading people. Just by a single look or a short word I could tell a person’s nature. Angry, quiet, happy, guilty. No person was a mystery to me and even if an interesting person came to me, just the surface of their personality was enough for me. I didn’t need the person’s whole character written down, but what would make them break down. 

But looking at her I saw nothing. It was odd, to say the least since she looked like the type to be read quickly. But I didn’t see any real shyness or weakness of character in her eyes. She looked away and back as if she had something to say, but each time thought better of it. It felt like looking at a locked door. I wanted to know what it hid, so my secret went to her almost without my permission. 

Despite how easy it sounds, I was so afraid of whatever reaction she was going to have to my secret. Never before I wanted to tell anyone about Ki or about what I had to do to keep the energy safe in the lake. But something about her made me want to spill every secret I held in my heart. Maybe it was the almost empty opinionless eyes or the earnest nature that stood out whenever she talked.

I played it off casually as I described vaguely what I did. I could have been lying for all she knew, but it seemed like magical glowing stones weren’t much of a weird thing to her. At the back of my mind, I kept thinking of how she could see the light which Ki had. A spike of fear went up in me. It couldn’t be, I tried to reason. Yet I still decided to get closer her in the future and observe. I wouldn’t repeat my mistakes.

When I led her away from that horrid place she went even further beyond my expectations. She comforted me, called me a superhero of all. The honest and sweet way she said it made me go blank for a second. She was the type to talk without thinking, I thought, someone who had probably been spoiled as a child. It didn’t put me off as much as it should’ve because she looked like she was desperate to set me at ease, even if what she said sounded strange. It had set a warm feeling in my chest.


	13. Maps

The night of that late October day when I met Nina I wrote a letter for the first time in a while. It was a sudden impulse, one that came in such a powerful burst, I didn’t take my shoes off when I sat at the desk and pulled up the notebook.

It was a thick notebook, about hundred pages, the kind with metal hoops keeping the pages together. It was the brightest and ugliest shade of pink, just the way Mother liked. She had picked it up at the dollar store across the street from our house, where only hipsters and old people shopped. She had looked so proud of her choice, I couldn’t not take it. 

At first, I barely used it, the first few pages were filled up with doodles and some kanji Oba made me learn. The unfamiliarity of my handwriting made me realize just how much time had passed. I thumbed the yellowed paper, a smile came over my face. 

The rest were the letters I began writing to Mother when she passed away. The first one had the date of my thirteens birthday. It was crinkly with dried tears and in ink of different colors since I couldn’t finish it. Each time I sat down to try and finish it I had used Ki on myself. I couldn’t finish it after drying myself out, never had the energy to do so. It remained an unfinished draft. I flipped past it, without reading.

I got to the first clear page and after a moment of thought picked up a dark gray pen. The color felt appropriate, the blank eyes of that color were what alluded to the following letter.

 

‘Dear Mother,’

I immediately scratched ‘Mother’ out. Even if I addressed her as such in my head, she hated it when I called her that.

‘Dear Mom  
Today I told someone about Ki. I know what you are going to say. I know it’s risky. She came to the lake when I was clearing out Ki. The water was bright today. Not even a single dark spot in the water, so that’s great. Anyway, she was spying on me and I caught her. But that’s not the crazy thing. She actually saw Ki’s glow! Can you believe it? I’ll watch and see if anything happens to her. I have a theory on why she could see it, but I’m gonna hope I’m wrong.

And as for what and why I said, I didn’t tell her about the disorder. Just the draining ritual. I didn’t tell her about what’s in the lake either. I know what you will say and I promise you it’ll be fine. And why I told her-'

 

My hand stopped for a second. I tried to remember what made me tell her. Nothing except her awkward smile came to me.

 

I guess I just wanted to. I felt like I should. I mean, she’s kind of loony and slow, but I’ve never seen anyone react like she did. And you told Dad even though you didn’t know him well then. So you can’t say anything about it.

Her name is Nina. She’s Russian. I bet Oba would’ve loved her since you can easily write her name in katakana. She’s always complained about names of kids at my school since she couldn’t have me practice writing their names and make sure I wrote right. Say hi to Oba. I’m eating properly, but nothing beats a grandma’s meal.

My GPA got better; Aunt Judy helped me with some classes. She’s fidgety as always. Her son is there too sometimes, but I didn’t remember his name the first time he told me and don’t really want to ask again. He’s freakishly tall like her. And he’s white, so Oba was wrong about her marrying a Korean. I bet that’ll make Oba happy.'

 

I spent five minutes staring at the paper after those words. I began writing, then scratched it out. Once, twice, again. 

I didn’t know what to say, the initial burst of thought having died down. Love you? Miss you? Wish you were here? If someone were to discover this notebook, then I would never escape pity. 

I had gone to bed early that day. The moment I closed my eyes, my mind drifted back to Nina. I fell asleep that day thinking of how silly and confused she looked when I saw her in the bushes.


	14. 7 years

My back collided with the slide painfully and I fell on my knees. My head spun slightly, yet my grip on the crystal was unyielding. The warmth of its glow made my palms sweat and the rest of me feel cold.

‘Stop it, we’re gonna get in trouble..!’

‘She’s the one who’s wrong! She wouldn’t stop putting that ugly rock in my face. And that weird murmuring she does is creepy! It’s her own fault!’

My eyes refocused on girls’ faces. All of them looked scared, safe for the one that pushed me. Her eyes showed contempt and disgust. I felt pain in the back of my head. She pushed me, I thought dully, hand clutching Ki tighter. 

‘I was trying to help,’ I said desperately, ‘I can help you! I can make you stop being sad about your dad. Just let me—‘

‘Don’t touch me!’ she shrieked and slapped my hand away. ‘You don’t know anything,’ her face was white and her voice broke.

‘I can help you,’ I repeated, standing up. They all took steps away from me. ‘Ki can help you, just let me—‘

‘What can your ugly glass do? Return my dad?’ her big eyes were overflowing with tears. Other girls placed hands on her back and shoulders, glared at me.

‘No, but, but it can make you feel happy again! I know it can, just let me—I already learned how to, just yesterday, and it’s already began working, just let me finish my—‘

‘Why are you like this lately, Irene?!’ one of the girls interrupted. I jumped slightly and realized how much my hands were shaking. ‘You’ve been quiet and never come around to play anymore, but when you do, you just—just say strange things about stones or energy.’

‘Yeah, you just stare at us creepily!’ all of the girls nodded to that.

‘And talk like you’re all grown-up and smarter than us!’

I looked desperately between the shining stone in my palm and my friends. Suddenly realization dawned on my 11-year-old self. ‘You can’t see it?’

‘See what?’ the girl who pushed me asked. Her voice was annoyed, the way teachers’ voices get when you ask a question they’ve already answered.

‘The glow. Ki’s glow! You don’t see..?’ my voice failed me. They just looked at one another with pointed glances.

‘Look, Irene, we used to play together, and our parents are all friends but we—‘

‘If you keep talking like a psycho then we don’t wanna be friends!’

‘But Ki…Wait, don’t go! Guys! I can—‘ But they’ve left. 

That was the first time I ever tried to use Ki. It felt like that day was both ages and minutes past. But the harsh cut of the winter wind and silence that surrounded me 7 years later made it seem like it never happened in the first place. Like it was just a flick of my imagination. And could it fly.

I thought of how I stormed home after my friends left me alone on the playground.

My worn-out mind was reeling and screaming about what would’ve happened if I didn’t inherit that awful shard of glass. How I would’ve hung out with friends instead of spending hours and hours reading old notes that had passed down my family’s, the Hikari’s line. I would’ve played with them normally, comforted my friend normally, went to play with them again the next day. Like a normal person. But learning to use Ki took a lot of meditation and controlling. I’ve spent hours willing my emotions to wilt away, leaving space of feelings those around.

Mom was a great teacher. She taught me all I had to know. From chants to basics of noticing anomalies in people. She had me learn how to leave my own consciousness behind in favor of being more aware of those around me. She said it’ll make me selfless, more attentive. I would be the savior of people like she had been. But all of the ‘leave your emotions on the side’ and ‘prioritize the tensions around you, not in you’ made me feel lonely. I realized I missed sitting and thinking about how I feel, how I act. 

I went home and threw a tantrum. I was only eleven, I screamed at them. No one wanted to play with me anymore. It would creep out any kid to see your friend suddenly watch you like a hawk. All I did was try to watch over them, to help if I sensed any disorder in them. But when I did, it ended up pushing everyone away.

Oba was angry with me, but Mother wasn’t. She didn’t say anything when I got angry, which was strange. My Mother was not a person to stand by if she gets yelled at. I flung my door closed so hard, the cracks that appeared never disappeared under layers of paint I applied afterward.

 

I had stopped reading on the crystal, left on my table and didn’t touch it. Each time I passed it, I thought of how I sat alone at the school now. My ex-friends spread rumors about me. I was followed with murmurs that died down when I looked back. The anger I felt burned away on my mother. But the bitterness that remained was what made me truly miserable. I wasn’t anyone’s friend, I wasn’t a good student of my family. One day I found out why I wasn’t.

I overheard Mother and Oba talking in the kitchen when I came from school. I paid them no mind, only yelled my usual greeting from the door. They must’ve assumed I had gone straight to my room because the conversation that I caught was no way meant for me to hear. I was around the corner, headed a glass of water when I listened in.

‘Ka-san, you can’t blame her.’

‘Yes, I can, Kimi. The girl is insufferable and your soft treatment is doing nothing to her attitude. I say she be forced!’ I heard a dull thump, which was probably Oba’s fist colliding with the armchair.

‘She is still a child!’

‘The second wielder of the sacred stone was a child as well, a child of our greatest ancestor, Lady Sawako. She had been the same age when her mother passed. You don’t see any notes of complaint in her writing, do you?’

‘Ka-san—‘

‘Don’t. You know that arguing is useless. And even if we do count her age, there’s still nothing we can do. I’m much too old and you—‘

‘Still, it is unfair to her. I had only begun my studies at 15 and became the wielder only at 20. Irene has every right to be angry!’ Mother’s voice was laced with such bitterness, I didn’t register the words for a few seconds too long.

‘What do you mean at 20?’ I came around the corner. Mother was standing before my grandmother’s armchair, arms crossed. Oba was seated, but rigidly, back not touching the soft cushions. The fear that lit up in their faces made my voice turn shrill.

‘You made me—You made me do all of this, this studying, this work...? And now you say you only did it at 20?’

‘Irene—‘ Mother started toward me, but I ran out. I locked my door and threw myself on to the bed. 

All of the stress that I tried to restraint began pouring out of me. I cried and yelled about how unfair it was, how much I hated everything. I hit my bed, screamed into my pillow.

I was at it for hours and I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t hear the urgent voice and knocks on my door over my misery and anger. It was dark outside when I thought of the crystal. I picked myself off of my tear stained pillow and looked at my desk. There it lay; a shard of glass. Its colorlessness made a new flare of anger arise in me.

I got up and grabbed it, willing myself not to smash it. I tried to remember whether it was possible to perform the ritual on myself. I didn’t, but I didn’t care.

With each word I chanted my heart slowed until it was a steady rhythm. With the glow brightening my tears slowed, along with my breathing. Suddenly, the glow went out and I felt weightless. Like a balloon whose air was. Like I had awakened from a nightmare I couldn’t remember. Suddenly I couldn’t understand why I had been so angry. I stared at my teary face in the mirror and couldn’t feel any remainder of emotions I felt just a minute ago. I smiled happily though. For the first time in a while, I was fine.

 

I picked up my studies again. I read about the history behind Ki, contained in notes left behind by predecessors. Learned the ways I could use chants without speaking out loud, what signs to especially observe in possible victims of the disorder. I read about the lake for the first time then. In short, I let myself be fully taken by the crystal. I began to treasure it, to a point I wore it all the time and even slept in it. I began more engrossed than I had been before. There were no friends to who I wanted to make it after studying. No other distractions.

I didn’t speak to Mother and Oba for a while. Mother’s silence made me so angry, but as I used Ki, my stress turned to indifference. I thought that my life had improved without them. But one day, she spoke to me.

‘Please listen, Ai,’ she said softly. She picked me up from school, but I didn’t expect her to speak. We were on the subway, on our usual route. We had a short day, right before summer break, so it wasn’t crowded. 

The fact that she used my nickname meant she wasn’t angry at me, even after my tantrum and weeks of no interactions. I looked at her. She was pale, I noted with apprehension, and thin.

She slid closer to me on the bench and grabbed my hand. I let her intertwine our fingers. That was when I felt a prickle of fear.

‘Ai,’ she was looking down. ‘What I’m going to tell you…it’s something I know you’ll be upset about. I want you to promise you’ll let me finish and that you’ll be grown-up about it. We’re outside.’ 

The way she always spoke when she was serious reminded me of how she wasn’t born American. She was Japanese blood and bone and the twenty years of her life that she lived in Japanese customs was noticeable in the cool and stern nature of her words. What was different from Japanese mothers was the soft tone she used to say them. She’d always say that Dad was who taught her to be gentle with words, especially with her own child. The fond way she always brought it up made me wish I remembered my father since the last and only memory I have of him is his retreating back as he left for war. Oba always said I was lucky I looked more Asian than white, but I could tell in the way she had brushed my originally brown hair, the color of which I got from Dad, that she missed him too.

I wished he was there when Mother finished her talk that day. He would’ve comforted me. I would’ve cried on his shoulder. I would’ve at least had a hope of not being an orphan.

Cancer, she’d told me, was eating away at her. 

I didn’t believe her at first. Of course I didn’t, because as all children at that age feel, I thought my Mom was a person in my life who’d stay for forever. She was the one person I couldn’t imagine life without. Her and Oba, but Oba was old, and I knew that old people have a hard time living in their old bodies. I knew from all of the practices of draining I began to do in houses of my elderly neighbors. The despair of nearing death felt way too familiar to me from days I went to see them under the excuse of helping them with their lawns. Their wrinkled mouths were always downturned as they looked outside their windows, smiling and cupping my cheeks when they saw me looking. ‘You’re so young and so full of life, dearie. You have so much in store for you!’ they said, but as I stored away their energy, I saw just how much bitterness those words carried.

But never in connection to Mother have I ever thought of death. I stumbled out of the underground and threw up. Mother held my hair and felt my forehead. I stared at her worried worn face and thought of how long I didn’t talk to her. 

We went home and I used Ki on myself. But as I looked at my pale face in the mirror, I found tears still pouring out of my eyes. I stood silently, face blank. I used Ki twice more and passed out.

 

Mother passed away in two years. Oba passed a year after her. I used Ki on myself until I couldn’t feel anything.

I was alone.


	15. iRobot

I spent a few hours walking around the perimeter of the lake. I fought the urge to reach for Ki and stop my regret and heartache. I couldn’t.

I collapsed in bed when I came to my room. My dirt-covered knees hit the bed, but I didn’t care. I pressed my cold wet face against the mattress. Still laying down, I dragged my coat off. It thumped to the floor. I shook my shoes off and curled in on myself.

It had started to rain when I was going back, so my teary face was mostly covered. No one turned as I ran inside, except for an Arabic-looking boy who’s glance I caught as I raced up the stairs. He looked familiar but with eyes full of tears no details of his face registered in my mind. 

I crawled under the sheets. I hugged myself and suppressed my shivers. I breathed in and out and tried not to think. Focus on the feel of my skin, on the texture of the blanket, on the warmth of the mattress.

I felt the blur in my eyes lessen as the remaining tears spilled out on the pillow. I made myself remember the basics of figuring out a person’s state of emotion. It always calmed me down, since all of the rules played out in my head in Mother’s voice.

There are three significant groups of emotion you must take notice of. Internal, External and Innate.

‘IEI for short,’ I whispered. It sounded loud in the empty room. I was so glad my roommate was out. 

Internal is the most common of the disorders. It is found in those who handle their stress in quiet, without spreading out immediately onto the environment and other people. The stress accumulates to high levels and bursts when the guards of those people are down. This is the most noticeable group to notice in its later stages, as the symptoms usually show themselves in hysterical breakdowns or sudden fights. Cases such as loss of job, divorce, bullying and other lead to such energy to build up.

External is the most cunning of the disorders. Just about anybody with a more open or outspoken personality can be considered to have it. It takes form in bursts of violent anger or unusual amounts of crying. There were a lot of cases when it was assumed that someone had the disorder when in reality those expressions of emotion were normal for that person. However, the stress will lead to those signs grow out of ordinary, until they begin spreading out, faster that the Internal cases, and possibly lead to harder circumstances than Internal. Additionally, the first two victims or External disorder can be in danger of draining of the remaining energy in their body leading to brief recovery, then death. Cases such as the death of loved ones, life-threatening fear, physical illness and other can lead to such energy to build up.

Innate is the rarest of the disorders and impossible to fully erase. It is found in people who have experienced trauma or psychological illnesses for a prolonged period of time, having avoided Internal disorder at some stage. Victims of such a disorder are known to be aware of their affectation by the energy more so than the others. Erasure of their disorders can be fruitless or impossible, as some cases have shown to be too closely sewed to the energy and any attempts to extract it can lead to loss of identity or of ability of a body to produce positive energy. If a person affected by Innate disorder comes in contact with the other two groups, the person will attempt to end its control with their own hands.

I repeated the rules like a mantra. It was morbid to remember your mother’s voice only through textbook rules, but the cold, undetailed theory made me feel better. I had sat by her side in our tiny garden and recited them again and again and again until they didn’t sound hard. They became just words to me, letters strung together under my mother’s command. They would have stayed as like that If only I hadn’t experienced them. 

The frantic shaking of my hands and the growing speed of my breathing made me realize I was thinking of that again. A face of a smiling girl towering over me flashed behind my eyelids. I sat up so suddenly I felt pain in my neck. I felt for the chain around my neck and gripped Ki.

I hate you more than I hate anything. But you are the only thing that I have left. Make it stop.

The crystal hummed under my palm. Some pressure eased in my chest. I closed my eyes and almost relaxed, but something lit up inside me. I tore my hand away from Ki. I suppressed the urge to hurl it out of the window and pushed it under my shirt. No, I wouldn’t, I told myself. I didn’t deserve it. If Nina spent years mourning, I deserved to spend a century.

I wondered what time it was and surely the sky was a dark gray outside of my window. It must be around 6, I thought not bothering to check my phone. 

I wondered where Nina was. I prayed she wasn’t alone. I ignored the twinge of want in my chest. 

I tossed around in bed. Fear and regret still burned in my bones. I cursed myself for feeling like that. Nina was going to be safe now, away from my business, away from negativity. From me, too. I should be at ease now. The cold feeling in my chest disagreed. 

That night I had nightmares. I usually avoided them by using Ki to get myself calm before bed. First, it had been my old friends that visited my dreams. Their faces were turned in distaste, the way I had remembered, but then they grew more and more twisted until their mouths were so downturned and their eyes were so hollow and stretched that they resembled monsters, rather than people. They pointed fingers at me and moaned for me to stay away.

Then Mother took their place. She was in her hospital bed, face thin and pale. She held my hand gently, but her grip was ice cold. She yanked me forward and grabbed me by the throat. 

‘The crystal is your burden for the rest of your life.’ She spoke in a foreign voice, low and terrifying.

I plunged into the blackness of Mother’s eyes and found myself in Ms. Tremble’s office. The woman was nowhere to be seen and with a sinking feeling, I realized what it meant. 

Lila stood before me. Her eyes were bloodshot and hazy. She held a pint in her hand. She opened and closed her mouth, but no sound came. I let out a scream and ran to her. Or tried to, because I heard no sound beside her ragged breathing. Lila looked out to the side for a second. They looked so similar from the profile, the same slope of nose and pucker of mouth.

That mouth whispered something that I finally heard over a buzzing noise that had risen since this cycle of memories had started. They were words I heard every night, in the darkest corners of my nightmares.

‘Sorry…I can’t go…anymore,’

The moment she down the phenol I heard a scream so sharp it shook me awake.

I gasped awake and immediately clutched at the sheets and my chest, unable to breathe. My heart fluttered like a bird and my whole body was cold and hot. I ran to the bathroom and hurled.

At that last moment, Lila’s face had been replaced with Nina’s.


	16. in the beginning

I’ve sat in the farthest corner of the dining hall for 2 hours, from 7 to 9. She hadn’t come. People filled in, the usual morning chatter began. The usual groans about upcoming classes, some excitement for how everyone spent the holidays and more took up space. I was in my headphones, listening to a lecture for my music class. She hadn’t come. So I stood up and left.

It was pathetic of me to continue my routine of following her around. I knew that and I told myself over and over. I had hoped to catch a glimpse of her. I knew that adding to the guilt that already was there, but I wanted to see if she was okay. To see whether she’d be with those two boys she was friends with. Wondered whether she vented to them about me. If she told them how she hated me and wanted me gone. To see her sister in my stead. 

But more than anything I wanted to pretend nothing had happened. I wanted to come up to her, ask her about her classes and continue walking with her in headphones. The way I had jumped out of bed hours prior wasn’t something that happened to me a lot. So when I finished throwing up and sat against the toilet and figured out that it was four a.m., I tried to convince myself that the whole day yesterday had been a prolonged nightmare. But the sight of the muddy stains on my trousers reminded me just how real everything that happened was.

I dragged myself to the science building. I had no reason to go there, but it was the only place I went to without Nina. I couldn’t go to any other wing, without imagining her walking by my side, quietly but seeming to be always ready for a conversation with how eagerly she always began talking if I initiated it. Despite how it looked for others, I was the one depended on her company. The one who’d wait up for her in the dining hall or wait outside her room. Even if I usually listened to music, and didn’t necessarily talk, I was always craving her presence. Nina never looked aware of it though, always surprised if I joined her or was waiting for her. Her expressions of pleasant surprise made me wish I knew her before that since it seemed like she had never had anyone paying that much attention to her. It made me feel protective. One day I realized I wasn’t going to watch over her and see if she had the disorder, but to just see her.

I avoided the path where Nina left me the day before, opting for the long road between other buildings. I walked swiftly, the cold air making my eyes feel exposed. The dryness made them itch. That was why I hated crying. 

I ran into the almost empty Science building, the lectures not yet started and only professors present. I walked through the hall, the light blue walls of which reminded me way too much of a hospital. I ran up a flight of stairs, stumbling slightly. I heaved in a breath as I reached Mrs. Tremble’s office. I didn’t bother knocking.

‘Place it he—Oh, Christ! Irene! Don’t scare me like that, throwing the door open...!’ Mrs. Tremble squeaked in her high nasal voice. 

She was a tall woman, taller than average man even. She was so thin, bony and it made her watery blue eyes bulge out slightly from behind her huge lenses. Her unkempt frizzy blonde hair was in a high ponytail which stood out so wildly, it framed her head like a sweep. Her sweater and lab coat was covered in stains of all colors. 

‘Sorry, Mrs. Tremble.’ I mumbled and made my way to her desk and sat. She gave me a scolding look.

‘It’s Professor to you, Miss Hikari!’ she sounded tense, the ways she always did. Her reply was firm as always, despite it being probably the millionth time she corrected me. And it wasn’t that I thought she wasn’t a professor, she was just too close to feel like a teacher. 

I had known Judy Tremble my whole life. I’ve seen that woman in a kitty sweater, sprawled on the couch with Mother, crying over Hachiko. She had been Mother’s co-worker before she retired from the university to raise me, and a best friend of hers. Whenever I saw the two of them together I thought what a strange thing friendship was. Someone as collected and levelheaded as my mother would be friends with someone as nervous and uncertain as Mrs. Tremble. Still, she was a person I held closest besides Mother and Oba, so she was the pillar of support that held me up the first few years after I lost them. She was like an aunt. A crazy scientist aunt.

She was also the one who pushed me to apply for this university despite me not seeing the point. She encouraged me and I reluctantly agreed. Closer to the damn lake too.

Mrs. Tremble went back to doing whatever she was doing. Arranging some books, I figured from the how book-covered her sofa was. Her son was there too, I noticed, kneeling behind another pile of books. He gave me a small wave and an amused smile. He looked too much like her for me not to smile.

I barely knew her son, since I’ve rarely seen him around Mrs. Tremble. Went with his father after the divorce, was what Mother said. It made me feel kind of sad now since we would’ve probably become friends back when I still had my childhood freedom. A guy who helps his mother do her work that early in the morning with no complaints. We would’ve got along.

‘What brings you here, dear? Not skipping lectures, I hope,’ she spoke up, flipping through a book twice the size of her head.

‘Nah, not skipping. No morning periods today.’ I poked the bright colored pens in a cup on her desk. It was a mess, the way it always was. All of the science majors would kill to have a glance at the papers I rested my elbows on. Good thing I wasn’t one of them, or she would’ve kicked me out the first day I came. 

I had spent the whole first week here, sulking. It was hard to leave the orphanage, no matter how much I hated it. It had been a good zone of studying the child and teenage disorders when previously I only had experienced the adult ones. So the university, full of the demographic I wasn’t experienced with was dizzying. Too many new faces, too much tense energy gathered. While before I only cleared away people who had the most tension gathered in them, students were hard to grasp since their stress levels were higher than of average humans. It took a few days before Ki adjusted to the new wavelengths of emotions around. Mrs. Tremble’s presence helped me myself get used to the place. She made me comfortable with describing the teachers and activities beforehand. 

She hummed in acknowledgment, ‘So you’re visiting? And I thought I was forgotten.’

Her son gave me mock shocked look. I rolled my eyes at him.

‘Well, I’m sorry. I didn’t know I had to check-in every day.’ I said with too much force. Regret on not using Ki on myself caught up quickly. I added in a softer voice, ‘I wanted to see you, I guess.’

She turned to look at me then, and I remembered how despite her skittishness she was a very smart and observant woman. Her glasses reflected the sun, so I couldn’t read her gaze.

‘Grumpy as usual, I see,’ she mused. ‘Is there any special reason you’d want to see me?’

‘No reason. Is it that weird for me to want to see you?’ I said, not managing to hide my annoyance anymore.

‘You barely came these last few months. Seemed like you chose another person’s company instead of this old lady’s here, or so I’ve been told,’ she sent me a wink. It dropped in my stomach like weight.

My silence must’ve been sudden since her son spoke up.

‘What’s wrong?’ he asked. I met his gaze. Concerned, but not for just me. He looked like he knew exactly what my silence meant. It made me unnerved to be on the receiving end of such an analyzing look. He really was Mrs. Tremble’s son.

She turned to look at me too, hand frozen in midair as she was putting a book on a shelf. I looked away from their way too similar faces.

‘Irene?’ she asked, cautiously, the way people speak to cornered animals. I thumbed a curved corner of a paper next to me.

She was next to me then, hand on my shoulder and my eyes watered. I knew it was childish of me, but I had missed being babied. I just wanted some comfort, I thought and big tears escaped me.

‘It’s all my fault. She hates me, Aunty. Nina hates me.’ I whimpered.

‘Oh, honey…’ her arms were around me and I pushed my face against her stomach as she stood over my seated form.

‘Her sister died because I couldn’t save her. She hates me, she hates me, she hates me!’ I gripped her coat. I felt pathetic, breaking down for the second time, this time with an audience. I was painfully aware of her son watching me.

‘Wait, wait, Irene…Sister?’ she gently pulled my face off of her and whipped my face with a tissue from a pocket. ‘Are you by any chance talking about Nina Romanova?’

I blinked up at her, ‘Yeah. What other Nina?’

‘No, no, there are two other Ninas enrolled right now. I thought you meant one of them, but…’ she shot a look at her son. ‘He never said it was that Nina.’

He raised his hands in defense, ‘How could I know?! I only know one Nina and that’s the Russian one! How could I know when I told you that you wouldn’t know? And what’s this about sister?’

He looked me in the eyes when he asked the last question, so I looked away. Mrs. Tremble’s hand settled over my head.

‘I know Nina, personally,’ I looked up at her in surprise, ‘I do. I invited her on the day before classes to talk to her about her elder sister. Lila—Lila was a splendid student. Hardworking, focused and curious. So polite and friendly. She was very dear to me. Irene knew her because she spent afternoons after school with me.’ She was talking to her son. She was going to tell him. A part of me wanted to slap a hand over her mouth. I stifled it and focused on the hand stroking my hair.

‘Lila was a great person and a lot of times…the world is too heavy for people that good. If I say I hadn’t known I’d be lying. I did know. I saw it.’ She paused with a heavy exhale. ‘I should’ve been better with her. I didn’t see enough…’ She was too busy carrying me around. A sad orphan. 

‘Lila drank phenol I had asked her to lock away. I left her alone with all of them.’ Her hands trembled around me. ‘She had taken her life and—‘

I squeezed my eyes shut.

‘Irene had seen her do it.’ A gasp rang out. Her son.

‘She had come in right before she downed it,’ Mrs. Tremble squeezed me harder. ‘God, Irene, if I had known…If I knew it was that Nina, I would’ve…’ 

I couldn’t sob anymore, so I let the tears flow freely, with no sound.

There was long silence in which Mrs. Tremble’s trembling hand stopped shaking and my eyes were almost dry. Then another hand clasped mine. It was the son.

‘It wasn’t your fault,’ he said gently. He sounded too much like his mother, minus the pitched voice. ‘You couldn’t have helped it.’ Yes, I could’ve. If I had noticed that she was carrying Innate, not Internal. If I was observant enough and not wallowed in my self-pity. If I had just accepted my role as a wielder properly and didn’t use it for fixing myself. 

‘Nina is a good girl. I can’t say I’m close to her, but I can know she is. She just radiates goodness. Even if she…even if she is upset about it, I’m sure if you give her time, she’ll come back to you.’

His sandy hair was matted with sweat and his eyes crinkled when he smiled. I couldn’t stop my smile. ‘So you’re the one she calls Corn?’

He laughed so loud that I flinched. ‘That’s me. Feel free to call me that. I’m saying it because I’m pretty sure you forgot my name.’

‘Sorry,’ I looked away in embarrassment. He waved a hand and patted my arm. I looked at Mrs. Tremble who still had a hand on my head. She was smiling at the two of us. It looked rueful.

‘You two are just like me and Kimiko were back then. Except I was the one who forgot her name.’ She laughed.

‘No way,’ Corn chuckled again.

‘It’s a pretty hard name to remember!’ she said defensively and lifted her hand off of me. I wanted to ask her to hug me again but stopped myself.

‘Irene, if you feel sad about any of this again…you can come to me again.’ She gave me an uncharacteristically calm smile. It made warmth flood in my chest.

‘Me, too! Also, I’ll try to see how she is. I’m assuming she’s avoiding you, so I will.’ Corn gave me a thumbs-up. I loved the guy already.

‘Thank you,’ I said, trying to put as much gratitude in my tone as I felt.

‘Now move over here and help me put away this physics books. I swear, one day I will strangle Perkins!’ Mrs. Tremble squealed out as she began digging the pile again. Corn gave a shrug that said ‘what can you do about it, let’s go’ and I didn’t bother looking in whether he really wanted me to help. I trusted him enough already.

I spent a few hours with the little family and ended up with too many strained muscles and remembered names of physicians. I had to leave at two for lunch and afternoon lectures, but I didn’t mind anymore. I felt lighter.

Before I left, Mrs. Tremble grasped me by the arm. 

‘Your mom,’ she began and it echoed in the empty hall we stood in. Corn had left already. ‘Your mom was so much like you, Irene. Even in the way she handled guilt. She tried to protect me from the world, but she never protected herself. For her and my sake, don’t blame yourself for inevitable things. I—I miss your mom so much…’ her voice overwhelmed with emotion fell into a whisper. ‘Don’t distance yourself from that girl. Don’t cut her away.’

I stood silently as her eyes roamed over my stunned face.

‘She would be so so proud of you, dear, your mom.’

You can’t let negativity consume you, but you shouldn’t neglect it either. If you achieve middle ground, no matter what happened, you’ll feel better. Especially if it’s about those precious to you. 

Now, those were the words of my Mother’s voice that I should’ve gone to first. I felt those words wash over me in an embrace. But it wasn’t just Mother’s, but Mrs. Tremble’s too. I hugged the woman tightly to myself before I left.


	17. Goodbye to a world

When Mother had started to show sign of final stages of her illness she went to stay at the hospital. She left me with Oba on our own for three months before we got that call.

Those months had been the most colorless period of my life. I spent hours in my room reading and practicing chants. I wouldn’t talk to anyone and I wouldn’t go out. The only person I saw was Oba, whenever she brought me a meal. She tried to talk me into going outside, but I could see it was half-hearted. 

Oba looked exhausted those days, like every step she took weighted a ton. She didn’t have the strength to be as strict with me as she had once been. I knew Mother’s illness was affecting her physically, in the way she sometimes went out of breath and clutched at her aching bones. Spending time on detaching myself emotionally must’ve helped me then because I didn’t flinch away from the thought of how little time I had with Oba left too. 

It felt like looking out on someone else’s life. I would stare at the crystal torn between gratitude for avoiding tearing myself in half with terror and bitterness that it would be the only thing still there for me in coming years. I began using it every night, successfully avoiding insomnia.

My acceptance of the death of my family had isolated me further. I had met with my school’s counselor to discuss my wellbeing and feelings on the matter. I couldn’t forget the disgusted look she had in her eyes as I calmly spoke to her about my Mother’s condition. I’m sure my eyes were of a dead fish. 

That calmness was short-lived though as Mother got worse and worse with each visit. The eerie quiet of her hospital room made it feel too real. The emptiness of her face and loss of her hair stood out so starkly to me, it felt like a slap each time I looked at her.

She’d smile and talk to me about school, ask about how my studies were going. I didn’t have to ask whether she meant school or crystal. I never told her how I used the crystal on myself. 

Mother said she was sorry she wasn’t helping anymore. It made me want to laugh. I wanted to ask her, you are on your deathbed and you want to talk about that? Even before dying, the crystal was the top priority. A hatred for the stone welled up after each time she mentioned it. But in the end it made cope, so I stifled annoyance inside it.

The only place I went to besides school and hospital was the university. I’d sit by Mrs. Tremble’s desk silently. She made me tea and gave me biscuits and talked to me. It felt good to talk to someone with no stench of death surrounding and no crystal known. Despite her being Mother’s closest friend, she knew nothing of what our family did as a sworn duty. At least I thought it was sworn since no documents spoke of origins of our work and neither Mother nor Oba ever told me why we did it in the first place, only the fact that we had to. I thought about it often and asked them about it, only to get shakes of the head and ‘later’s.

I found out on Mother’s day.

It was a cold fall day. I woke up at dawn, a sense of urgency crawling under my skin. I shrugged it off as post consumption jitters. I had just begun absorbing negative energy off students at the university. It was hard to get around all of them to actually do it, so I reserved to those who came around Mrs. Tremble’s office and building. I had taken stress only from three people then, two Internals and an External. They were post-exam stresses so it wasn’t hard to identify and remove them.

I scribbled down a reminder to visit Mrs. Tremble and ask about them. After checking the time and seeing 7 I decided to go and eat. Before I could get to the kitchen though, our landline rang. I looked at it, then at the still dark sky. I answered. It was the hospital.

I ran to Oba’s room, nearly throwing myself into the door in hurry. She sat up in her bed so fast her hair curlers jumped and opened her mouth to yell at me. Then she saw my face.

Mom asked to see us for the last time.

We were there twenty minutes later, having jumped into a taxi, which we never do because of how expensive they are. We were ushered into her room in complete silence. We had to be quiet they told us, so not to mind other patients. I almost hit that nurse. My mother wasn’t going to need a good night’s sleep ever again, at least let them have it, was the way it sounded to me.

Oba was silent beside me. I couldn’t look at her, too afraid to find whatever lied in her expression.

When they slid the door open I broke into a run. I fell to my knees beside her bed and she slowly turned her head to look at me. It felt like someone started to choke me. She looked far worse than she had hours before when I visited her in the evening. The circles of exhaustion were bigger than her eyes, so dark they looked like black-eyes. Her smooth cheeks were hollow, with bones standing out ugly. Her gaze was bleary and out-of-focus. I grasped her hand and she jerked weakly like she had just noticed my presence. Her colorless lips twitched into a small smile.

I can’t remember what we said and I don’t want to. The only words I was willing to remember were of the purpose behind the duty of our family line, which was only mine now.

‘Years ago…when our family first came to this land, we discovered how much misery dwelled in this area.’ She spoke slowly and with big intervals between words with sharp inhales, ‘It was a strange aura…more physical than anywhere else. Our family was the carrier of ‘light’, caretakers of our village. We left because we couldn’t stay, but found even harder places. That’s when your ancestor, Hikari Sawako, discovered the ability of Ki, our family heirloom, the sacred stone. She started healing broken people with Ki. She helped a lot…But Ki began to grow restless. It stopped responding to her words. It was filled to brim with energy which had to be expelled. She decided to look for the place with the most miserable people and see if she got any clues. She found the grounds of an old funeral house that stood before a lake. You understand, don’t you? The only place with the lake…She thought it was because of it being the house of death, but no…It was the lake. The owner of the place told her...no space for cemeteries, British troops need the space…so they threw Natives and immigrants in the lake. It was a grave for oppressed and homeless orphans, those who didn’t find their place…Sawako decided to try and give their misery back to them…since they weren’t given the privilege of having a place to grieve, even in death…She read the chants in reverse, funny…how easy it was to do…The lake had been pitch black with blood and dirt…but after letting out the energy, it cleared…She realized, it had craved the misery to stop spreading misery…The place got better, people brighter… Funeral house was replaced by a university, you know well…And we became the keepers of that lake.’

She broke into weak coughs. Blood trickled down her chin, which Oba wiped away. She uttered then, ‘I’m sorry for leaving this on you, Ai…Don’t lose yourself…like me. I…’ her whispering voice faded away completely. She stared at me for what felt like hours. Then she closed her eyes. Her hand was limp in mine. I stayed there until her skin felt cold under my forehead.


	18. Hear me

I stood on my usual sliver of land with a sense of someone about to plunge. The water was dark, even darker than it had been the past days, even if the bright sun that shone above. The surface was a smooth indigo descending into pitch black, icy to the touch. The grass surrounding had turned a sickly yellow, no fallen leaves staying on it for too long with the piercing wind that whistled by. A bone-deep cold settled over me from my wet hands. Just by the touch, I could tell something was very wrong. 

I had extracted some of the energy that was brought back by some from their visits home. Some longing, some regretful, it was a plentiful energy for the lake to feed on. Or that was what I thought, but looking at the menacing blackness, I was starting to get worried. 

I’ve seen the lake in a dark state a number of times. Once when a hurricane hit the country, another time when some teacher passed away from old age. But I couldn’t identify what caused it that late January day. 

The day before that, while performing my routine look-outs in the dining hall, I didn’t notice anything out of usual with the students. Some reluctance for the new semester, two or three people overly stressed about coming classes. Besides those nothing that should’ve made my wielder part of consciousness perk up at. But the part of me that was Irene couldn’t help clenching and unclenching my fist on the seat next. She wasn’t there again. 

Corn waved at me to sit next, too, but I eyed his football friends and sent him an apologetic smile. I couldn’t find the Jeremy guy amongst them, even as I looked over them twice. The other guy wasn’t there either. My heart lurched at the thought of them having to be with her. 

I shook my head to physically get her face out of my head. I stopped at the water, making the inside of my shoes wet. I cursed under my breath and stepped away. The water rippled, mocking me. I resisted the urge to spit on it. 

I was turning around, ready to go and bother Mrs. Tremble about whether anything weird had happened, when a rustle made me look up at the path amongst the trees. Someone was running here. There was a thud and a curse in a foreign language. A guy emerged. It was that Arabian guy, Nina’s friend. Before this could process in my head though, he strode up to me and grabbed me by the arm. His grip was harsh.

‘You are coming with me,’ he hissed. I was so taken aback, I let him drag me a few steps toward the path, then I snapped out and tried to wrench myself from his grip.

‘What the fuck?! Let me go!’ I yelled, but his grip was iron and he didn’t seem to plan to slow his pace soon. I planted my feet in the dirt and forced him to slow.

‘Hey!’ His fingers were digging in painfully even through a coat and a sweater. His face was set in a deep scowl. Fury burned in his hazel eyes.

‘You will come with me and you will fix whatever the hell you did. I don’t give a shit how, but you will.’ His voice held controlled rage, sounding out words as if they were instructions to a child. 

‘Fix…? What do I have to fix? What…Is this about..?’ I whispered the last words. It hit me so fast it felt like the ground was crumbling under me. There was no other reason for that guy to approach me in such a manner. His hateful gaze spoke for itself.

‘What happened to her?!’

He took a deep breath, one that restored all of his willpower not to knock me out and drag me there. ‘I don’t know what you fucking told her. But whatever you said left her in ruins. She…she isn’t eating, isn’t sleeping. The only food she had was forced by Jeremy… We couldn’t make her go to class or talk…She was just, just crying. All the time. And now she has stopped responding all together! She’s just staring blankly at a wall and it’s all your—‘

He stopped speaking as he felt the tremble of my arm. I looked down. I felt dizzy with guilt and sickness and pressed a hand against my mouth to stop the trembling of my lips. All I saw was Nina: sweet, curious, awkward, naïve Nina, in tears the way she had been that day. But I saw no tears of pure feeling. I could feel only despair. I, the person she had trusted, who she loved for some reason, stood by as her family, her flesh and blood sister took her life. 

It felt like a blow when the thought I had dreaded slammed into me full force. I had placed Nina far far away in my mind, separate from the crystal and Mother and the lake, in my heart even. I wanted her to be the one thing in life separate from who I was. She knew about the meaning of my life, so it was easy to think of her as something purer than that dirty job when I had no cautiousness at the back of my mind at the thought of her discovering Ki. I had tried to save myself from thinking she could get affected by misery, by grief the way other, nameless to me people do. I had tasted the fear when she was almost consumed by anger festered by Jeremy, but I had been foolish to think that would never happen again.

I staggered and almost fell, but the boy caught and leaned me against the tree. It looked like a battle was going on in his head, face a mixture of confusion and worry and anger. His grip slackened and I felt the blood rush in my palms.

‘Let’s go. I don’t…understand what happened, but you don’t seem to be unhurt either… I saw that day too, but convinced myself I mistook the tears for rain,’ he said. 

‘I…I…can’t!’ I shook my head and gripped his thin jacket. I tried to convey my words as much as I could with how tightly I held on.

‘You can and you will,’ he sounded cold again. ‘You’re the only one she’ll listen too. If you talk, it’ll be enough…I can’t say much, because she wouldn’t tell what happened, but…It had to do with her sister, didn’t it?’

I hung my head. My face hurt from the pained grimaces that took over it.

‘My fault..! It was my fault she did it..! I didn’t save her…’ my voice was hoarse with feeling. My back grew cold from being pressed against a moist tree.

‘That’s not true. No matter what happened, she was the one who did it.’  
‘You don’t understand!’ I screamed, he flinched. ‘None of you will! Ever! She didn’t either, but now she does! I could’ve stopped it, but I was too selfish, too stupid! I could’ve prevented so much, but I didn’t! I’m a failure! A failure!’

My voice echoed through the tree. The white puffs of my breath clouded my eyes.

‘I don’t deserve to even look at her and yet she…Why me? Why?’

He took my trembling frizzing hands and raised them up just under his face. We were the same height so he had no trouble leveling his gaze with mine.

‘You may have been responsible. You may have been there and stood uselessly by the side. But that’s already done. It’s past now. But you have the future. Are you going to cut her away from yourself? And live with even more regret? If you want to stay here, stay. But what about her? What about Nina? Do you really think she wants you to cut her off? She doesn’t. Even if she will blame you, she won’t hate you. Don’t run away from her.’

I stared at his face; one that looked like it rarely smiled, yet was full of hope.

I sniffled, loud in the silence.

‘Will she forgive me?’ I asked.

‘She will, I’m sure. But you have to forgive yourself first.

‘She’s in Jeremy’s room. The one you dragged us to.’ He supplied and let go of me fully now. 

I stared at him. ‘You remember..?’

He gave me a thin smile and began walking away. Before he disappeared out of sight behind the trees in the higher ground, he turned around and said:

‘I know her for months now. She finally began acting like a real person when you showed up. Don’t make her go back to the way she was.’

I wiped at my eyes and gave him a nod. I watched him leave. 

Nina has great friends, I thought to myself, as I made way to the dorms to the sophomore floor.


	19. Rescue Me

I half ran half staggered to the dorms. My socks made squelching sounds in my boots and my arm still hurt from that guy’s grip. I still couldn’t remember his name. 

I walked the hall the two of us ran through before, scanning the name tags once again. My gaze darted between the two tiny rectangles of ugly yellow. Why were there so many sophomores in this goddamn place? My steps echoed too loudly in the quiet hall. Well, mostly quiet hall, if you don’t count some doors vibrating with muffled music, or faraway noise of chatter. It calmed my racing heart a bit. At least we wouldn’t be completely isolated this time.

I finally found the name tag ‘Jeremy Espinoza’. It was brand new, I noticed, and very extra, with a curvy font that stood out darkly against bright gold. The door was also overly polished and spotless. Whatever that Jeremy was in my mind before, being a football player and a victim of rage, was questionable now. I pounded my fist against the wood. It took a few seconds, but the door swung open. 

Jeremy was taller than I remembered and tanner, which wasn’t surprising, considering the time I actually cared to look him over, he had been a barely-standing pale mess. The sight of a healthy color in his cheeks lifted my spirits a fraction. But I couldn’t ignore how drained he looked. He gave me a short glance, then stepped away to let me in, with the grace of someone who expected me coming. The two must've planned it. Thank you, I told him in the glance I shot him as I walked in.

I walked a few steps of the small entrance, which had two doors facing each other. Bathrooms, probably. As I came around the wall, the room was bigger, far bigger than the ones freshmen shared, with two beds standing around four meters apart. A brown head peeked from behind the closer bed. My breath hitched and I stopped. Jeremy bumped into me slightly from behind. A sniffle.

A hand pushed against my lower back. I turned my head and looked into determined dark blue eyes. He nodded in her direction. If his boyfriend had been angry and persuasive, Jeremy looked sad and pleading. I gulped and turned to watch her again. 

Every fiber of me was quivering with the need to touch her. But a dark fear stood dark against all of that. I could worsen it. I could make her sorrow turn into hate and then she will surely destroy herself. Or even worse, she could already be gone. What if I turn her to look at me and find empty eyes and a blank expression, the one her sister wore before she plunged the pint to her lips? 

I never managed to find out how to cure Innates, not after the scar Lila’s passing left on me. I was afraid to look for other people with that disorder. Sudden emotion could be horrible, scarring, but something that has festered for a long time or even been there from the beginning was far more dangerous. No one could save them, Mother had said, the only way for them move on was to bear with it and never encounter Internal or External disorders. The idea was unforgivable to me. How could curious and compassionate Nina ever avoid them? She was too open to other people’s emotions and she relied on them far too much. She was a puzzle built from those she held dear, molded together in a beautiful picture. Even if she herself thought it made her fake, to me it was what made her special. She was everything good people had but burdened with curses of those feelings.

I lowered myself to my knees next to her and leaned closer, so my eyes were level with hers. She didn’t react, save for a small flutter of eyelashes that could’ve just been a blink. Her soft pinkish skin was pale, save for blotchy spots that covered her cheeks. Tried tracks of tears, which looked like someone had tried to wipe them, connected her glassy eyes to her bitten lips. Her eyebrows were unkempt and her hair was greasy and tangled. She looked so devastated, yet my heart leaped with joy at the sight of her. She was here, my chest sang, ignoring everything besides the warmth that I felt from her breath. 

‘Nina,’ I whispered. She blinked slowly and her eyes drew to mine. She didn’t look like she recognized me. I laced our fingers together. Hers were cold.

‘She’s been like that for an hour now,’ Jeremy said from his chair, making me flinch. I forgot he was there in the first place. ‘She isn’t responding and isn’t moving. I don’t—‘ he rubbed a hand against his face and ran it through his hair harshly. He looked on the verge of hysteria. ‘I don’t know what is going on with her. The only reason I’m not calling the ambulance is how normal she is breathing and how she looks up when you call her. It’s like she’s in a trance or something!’

‘What was she doing before?’ I asked, not looking away from her unfocused gaze.

‘Bawling.’ His voice was flat, accusatory notes hiding behind it. I cringed. ‘She stopped for a few minutes suddenly, though, before she got like that.’

‘Dis she? What did she do?’ I asked urgently and looked away from her briefly. He looked hesitant. 

‘What did she say?’ I pressed on.

‘She…she said she wishes she could forget everything. Or better, disappear again, she said…’ he looked in so much pain, I had to look away. ‘Her smile was so awful…The smile Mom wore a lot.’ He looked down.

The silence strangled me as I continued to search for any responses. I tapped her hand, tugged lightly on hair, and pinched her cheek. No reaction. Only her name got her eyes to move, even if whispered. This must’ve been what she was like when Lila had just died, I thought. I didn’t understand why, but I couldn’t think anyway. The burn around my neck was way too distracting. 

The crystal had grown hotter and hotter from the moment I entered the room, the temperature starling by the time Jeremy spoke. It wanted the energy that flew from the unresponsive girl in waves. I slammed it down frantically, even as scorching heat burned under my sweater. The one thing I had learned from all of the years I tormented myself with Lila’s death was how the crystal could never be used on Innates. That evening, when Lila had come into the office unannounced I found out the hard way.

Lila had come in later than usual, which seemed odd, but I ignored in favor of my excitement at seeing her there. I hadn’t been spending time with Mrs. Tremble for more than a week before that girl had wormed herself into my life. She was funny, in a way that no other person was, with good-natured remarks that sent me into fits of laughter so much that I began associating the hurt I felt in my stomach from laughing with her. She was pretty, in a way that was unnoticeable, until her personality shone through and made her rosy cheeks and crinkly eyes shine in kindness and purity. She was smart, both book and street as she gave me advice on dealing with teachers I hated and explained to me the periodic table. She was patronizing in a firm yet caring way. She was the elder sister I had grumbled about wishing to have to Mother. I looked forward to chatting with her just as much as with Mrs. Tremble, if not more.

The pathetic state I had been in after passing of Mother and Oba made me blind to the grief of those close to me. I could tell that some man sitting across from me at the train was regretful of something easily, but I couldn’t distinguish fake smiles on Lila’s or Mrs. Tremble’s faces. And that was the fatal point.

She looked happy to see me too, as she hugged me and squished my cheeks, earning a slap on the hand. But she had looked worn. Her posture was hunched and her step was slower than usual. She sat heavily on the sofa and gave me a strange smile as she rested her head against a cushion, making shadows fall over her face. It was dark that evening, only one lightbulb in the opposite corner from the sofa working.

I asked her if she was ok. I had noticed, but I wasn’t worried too much. 

I had used Ki on her a few days before. Lila and some other people from her year had gotten into trouble because they participated in a protest. I saw the affected once right after they were called and reprimanded, and immediately reacted. I used Ki carefully, came up to some of them and dragged the energy out of them and those who stood close. Slowly their crowd dispersed and their anger stooped. They’ve all been either in tears or fuming, so when I reached Lila’s side last I was surprised to see her face calm. I gave her a hug and willed Ki, in my hand in my pocket, to do its work. Some tension went out of her, so I figured the job was done. I gave her a wide smile and watched her leave. I shouldn’t have let her leave.

Lila shrugged and I remember how my hand instinctively went to my pocket.

She asked me after I settled down next to her if I had fun being here. I told her I did; I loved the university and Mrs. Tremble and her. She didn’t smile back. Then with the most uncaring expression I ever saw on her face she asked:

‘Then you’re happy that your mom and grandma are dead, huh?’

I still can’t believe she had actually said that, but the fact was that she did, without looking away from my horrified eyes.

I had fished out Ki and hid it behind my back. It had been unnaturally warm. I thought it was because of my sweaty palms. 

She didn’t notice and kept looking at me, gaze almost lazy it looked so uncaring. I asked her if she was ok. She laughed.

‘I don’t know, Irene. I don’t know. Am I?’

I asked if I could tell her a Japanese poem Mother taught me. She quirked an eyebrow but shrugged again. She stared off into space, purple lines under eyes sharp in the shadows. I began chanting softly, trying to find a beat so it sounded natural. I prayed for Mrs. Tremble to return from wherever she was. I don’t remember where she had been, but she hadn’t come until it had been over.

I watched Lila’s eyelids flutter closer and closer with each blink, knowing my chant was going send her to sleep, because of how strong they were when said out loud. Her breath had almost evened out and her eyes had been closed for minutes now and my chant was almost over when suddenly she jumped up. She looked like she woke from a nightmare, eyes glazed over, hands clutching herself. Then came the screaming. Screaming so loudly and so piercingly, hands pulling at her collar and shirt like she was suffocating. I froze, mouth still frozen mid-chant. Lila was staggering in circles like she was possessed. 

A few seconds passed before I snapped out of my stupor and ran to her side. When I tried to grab her, her wail grew even louder and an arm collided with my front painfully. I fell on the floor and Ki clattered and flew away from me. I tried to find it, hands grabbing at the piles of documents it fell under. Then Lila fell quiet. Eerie silence froze my heart.

I snapped my head back to stare at her. Her eyes were fixed on something. I followed her line of sight and saw the lined chemical behind the glass on the shelves. My reaction was too late as she started to it and wrenched the door open. She grabbed one as I threw myself on her. I scratched and tried biting her. She punched and kicked and growled like an animal, but I held on, blurry-eyed. I spit in her face and in a single moment she was distracted by wiping it off I reached for it. But my hand missed by inches and grabbed at her hand. I cried out as she took a hold of my arm with her superior strength and kicked me off her. The kick landed solidly against my stomach and I couldn’t breathe for a second. When the white spots my eyes, I pushed myself up to see her stare at the pint. Her eyes were filled with tears which reflected the dim light. Before I could cry out, she downed it one gulp. A horrible smile appeared on her face and her eyes that had been filled with mad tears were staring at me. But they weren’t seeing me as she spoke her last words.

‘Sorry…I can’t go…anymore,’ she said. She still stood and for a beat, hope rose in me. It was crushed as Lila inhaled sharply and grasped at her stomach. She let out a yowl of agony and fell. She twitched in agony as I threw the door open and hollered for help. 

Mrs. Tremble found me five minutes later, clutching her head to my chest, Ki in my trembling hands as I held it over her face. She had stopped moving.

That suppressed memory was once again present in my mind’s eye, detailed as if it had all happened just a few minutes ago. I realized how I hadn’t actually learned anything. I let it happen again, I thought as the stone blazed against my ribcage.

I had emptied out Lila’s emotions into the lake weeks later when a boy at my school had been diagnosed with cancer and stopped talking to people. The water of the lake stayed pure and beautiful for a whole year then. No people were disordered that year too.

Static filled my ears. What I had always been afraid to admit finally proved itself.

The disorders didn’t appear from people’s emotion swayed and then taken over by the lake. It was the opposite.

I realized that when I saw how dark the water had been before I let Lila’s emotions be fed into the lake. A part of me, one that wasn’t in grief and guilt understood. But the irrational part, the fearful part persisted. There was no way something that had become the only thing I lived for was what killed Lila. I erased the idea out of my mind using my fear and erased the fear using my Ki.

 

And now it’s Nina, I thought, she’s gonna be taken away too. My hands trembled. I knew a solution for this. 

I grabbed her hands folded in her lap. She still wasn’t reacting, but her iris moved just a bit.

‘I will save you, ok? Blink if you understand,’ I pleaded. Slowly she blinked and I exhaled in joy. 

‘Ok, good. You have to come with me, Nina.’ I placed my hand on her arm. She didn’t react when I pulled her to her feet. She wobbled but continued her blank staring, but at me this time. I resisted the urge to run a hand across her wet cheek.

‘Wait! Wait just a second. She can’t go! Look at her, she looks like she’s about to fall over!’ Jeremy was at my side now, hand outstretched like he was about to grab her out of my grip. I pulled her out of his reach.

‘I know, I know, but…She has to come with me if she doesn’t then I can’t stop this,’

‘What the hell do you mean by ‘stopping’?! She needs medical attention! I shouldn’t have listened to Kanan and taken her there immediately.’ 

He was crowding in on me, so I pushed him by the shoulder to sit on the bed. I inhaled slowly.

‘Please,’ I begged, voice cracking. He stared at me, unconvinced still, ready to jump up again. ‘You have to trust me with this. With her. I can fix this. Only I can. Please don’t ask me anything I can’t answer. Just know: she’ll be alright when we’re back. Make sure to stay with her after this too.’

He looked stunned at my outburst. He opened his mouth, and then closed it. He shifted his eyes to her face, as she stared off somewhere.

‘Alright…I’m gonna trust you, but mostly out of how much she trusts you.’ I wish she didn’t.

He gave me a meaningful look. I nodded and pulled a coat on her and in seconds we were out, running towards the place that we met for the first on.

 

The sun was setting now and the wind spoke of a cold night ahead. I clutched her hand with all of my strength, willing all of my warmth to go through our link. The burning of the crystal was so intense that the skin it laid upon was numb. It jumped against my chest as I ran as fast as I could with Nina stumbling behind. It was like dragging an uptight rag doll, I had to be mindful of where we stepped so she wouldn’t fall. I looked back at her a few times to see her head bobbing with our strides, eyes still empty and downturned.

I took a shortcut that ran from the beginning of the slope down. It was steep, but dangerous only for the soles of your shoes against dirt. I made sure to balance myself slightly leaned back so not to fall. Nina ended up half-leaning on me the whole way down. 

We ended up on the edge of the lake, far away from my usual spot. Here the land ended almost abruptly and black water was before us with us barely out of the trees. 

The water was dark even where it wasn’t deep, and it was still as glass. I gulped harshly. I let go of her hand and turned to her. Placing my hand on her cold cheek I smiled.

‘You’re going to be alright now!’ I sounded as cheery as I could manage. Her gaze was set on my face, but she wasn’t seeing it. I wished I could see it now if everything went wrong.

‘You’ll be happy when I’m done. You’ll be safe and happy; I promise that—,’ I broke off and gathered myself, breathing through my nose and raising my eyes upwards. ‘I lied to you so much. I didn’t tell you so much. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Nina. If I could replace myself with Lila, I would. You lost her because of me. You lost your other half…and no matter what, I know I won’t ever feel that space in you. I’m not good enough,’ I laughed.

‘You’re going to have so much fun after this, Nina, so much fun. Like I had with Lila, but more. You will be happy again!’ A gust of wind blew, making us stagger slightly. ‘I will do anything for it to happen. And even…even if I return alright, then I won’t bother you anymore. I know you’ll be really angry at first but…that’s the thing with emotions. They are not disorder-like. They can fade for good. I’m sure they will, Nina. No way you could care for someone like me for real. I knew it was the lonely faces you made and the wanting you had for happiness.’ I pushed a lock of wavy hair behind her ear. ‘And you found it! Jeremy, his boyfriend—whose name I still can’t remember, by the way—Corn and Mrs. Tremble too, since I found out you were friends too. Small world, huh? Well, not really…’

I knew the sun was going to set soon and that I had to hurry, but I wanted to drag this moment out. Outside in the chilling winter afternoon, coat too thin but hand and face warm from the tingling of my hand against her face. 

I stepped away from her after I pushed her down into a sitting position under a tree. I leaned her back and tilted her head, so it looked like she was some girl lost in thought, looking out at the trees and the lake and the sun behind them. After a moment’s thought, I leaned in and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

‘Nina. I’m so glad I met you. You made me feel like I want to keep something besides Ki. To say I care for you is an understatement, so…I trust you. I trust you with everything I have ever had.’

I stood back up and walked up to the edge of the lake. I took Ki from under my sweater. Its color mirrored the waters. I pulled it off, snapping the thin silver chain on my neck, and gripped it. I tore my hat off, just to do something with my shaking hands. Mother’s voice started playing in my head like an old record.

‘There is only one way an Innate may be cured. An offer of another in its stead must be made.’ 

I put my hands in front of myself, the way Mother had taught me on the only time we ever had a vacation next to the sea. Breathe in deeply, and then go in head down.

Freezing water swallowed my body up.


	20. Whatever It Takes

The cold pierced my body like needles, the shock almost making me gasp and lose my precious bubbles of breath. I focused on the familiar studious voice of Mother. She had read that one only once, but I remembered it as clearly as I heard my thoughts.

‘An Innate happens when a person had carried the weight of the disorder for too long but had never responded to it. It’s far more serious than the other two are, Irene, pay attention and sit straight.’

My arms resisted against the heaviness of water. My legs felt like lead and my ears hurt from going straight down. I felt the bottom, more than I saw it. Ki was a brilliant light in my hand and the only source of warmth. I could feel it buzzing with whispers of whatever lay at the bottom.

‘If an Internal and External together can produce the amount to fill the crystal fully, an Innate of the same kind can fill five crystals…I have, yes. Once, to be precise. It was a war veteran who studied at the university, a truly wonderful fellow. It couldn’t save him and that is what Innates are even more feared for. They can produce irrevocable results…What happened to the energy? Well, I sent it where I usually did. No, I can’t tell you, not yet, dear.’

She hadn’t only hidden from me the true reason we did what we did, but she had also been under false assumptions. The poisoning of the lake didn’t happen because of the misery of people, but it was the lake itself that produced the misery and spread it onto those vulnerable. I hated it so much, I thought suddenly. My hatred had always been there, lurking behind the relief I felt at letting go of pain and anxiety, but never in such force. 

And I just had to realize it then, while rippling through the depths of the cruel creature, at its’ mercy.

I had thought that it might possible to swap places with the bearer. The thought had been almost delirious, accompanied by my terrified screaming for Mrs. Tremble. Later, in my smelly old bed at the orphanage did I understand the implications of that idea. 

But it had finally settled within me, but slightly changed. I had stared into Nina’s sunken eyes and understood. If the goddamn lake wanted misery, then it’ll get it. But not from her. Anyone but her.

I knew now just how central Nina was to me. She had wormed herself inside me with her resigned silence and concealed bratty attitude. Yes, if it had been anyone but her, I wouldn’t have had the strength to put myself on the line. No one mattered enough. No one deserved to smile without second thoughts like she did. Someone who put herself on the line for me, who worried for me, who struggled for me. She made my heart open to her.

I wasn’t an Innate, I knew as much. But a torn yellow letter written in old-fashioned Kanji from Sawako the First spoke a secret to me. Something so obvious, yet I would’ve never realized. In dirty ink, it spelled a warning. This power will open the door for hearts of others. The curses will leave their scars upon the heart of the wielder and burn them in for ever. May the vessel of souls be a safe keeper for the wielder.

The nights I spent curled around Ki, crying into Ki, spilling hatred into Ki came back to me. There was a chance that that stayed in Ki. It should be enough for the beast. 

The blackness surrounded me as the light of the sky stopped guiding me. I put Ki before me and followed its’ light. It was almost funny how I used it that way for the first time. Like a fucking lighter. A wide smile went up on my face for some reason and my stomach bubbled in laughter.

It felt like I swam for hours now, but it had probably been barely seconds. I sent a silent ‘thank you’ to Oba for training me to hold my breath. She had taught me, claiming that it would be good for her if I ever got a brain and visited Japan with her. I had said no to her on that a lot since I was afraid of planes, so she got on my case a lot. As for the breathing exercises, she said it had saved her life once when a tsunami hit. I was pretty sure that the hit of the wave would kill me way before a loss of breath would, but I ended up humoring her. It came handy after all, I thought, as I carefully let tiny bubbles trail out of my nose. 

The cold was almost unnoticeable now, and I didn’t know whether it was me getting used, or Ki spreading its’ burn through me. It wasn’t a very deep lake since the area it was in rarely had rains or snow and was generally drought oriented. I thanked gods, Mother Nature and my smelly high school geography teacher as I noticed the water losing its’ vague bottomless appearance.

Suddenly I felt something catch in my fingers. I pushed my hand forward and felt a thin barrier. There it was. There was the beast. I drew my arms as hard as I could and pushed against the force. It felt like something popped around me and I broke through a plastic wrap. A shock went through me. The pressure seemed to have doubled and the volume too. It was even harder to move my arms and my legs, which were already stiff with exertion. 

I felt a strange presence in the water like I wasn’t in a lake anymore, but in a vacuum. Fear seized my throat and I felt the strong pull of the surface. I had to get out. Get out now. Too dark, too little space, too heavy. Out out out out, my mind chanted. But then my eyes caught a shine reflected off of Ki. The sand was almost colorless in the darkness, but it was there. I kicked my legs off of nothing and pushed on, stretching my hand out. A big bubble was pushing at my lips, begging to be let go. Please, just a little longer, I begged internally.

My nails scraped against the sand, making it rise up in a dark cloud. It sent a jolt through me. I knew it wasn’t sand of broken down stone. It was of broken down bones. My heart jumped and I pulled my hand away fast, as fast as could be done in water. 

I opened my other hand and stared at Ki. It glowed, but it wasn’t the usual soothing or processing light, but a warning one. It seemed to scream at me to stop, flashing slightly with blacks and blues. I gripped ends of it with my fingers. It shuddered in my palms. Before I could hesitate, I placed my thumbs on its’ slopes and snapped them down.

For a second there was nothing but deathly quiet. Then a roar shook everything around me. 

I let go the crumbled parts out of surprise. The crystal went up in flames. No, really, flames. I struggled to swim backward. The fire grew rapidly like gasoline was poured over it. It burned in blood red and poison’s orange. Horror rose up in me as the leaves of it twisted into horrible faces, similar to the ones I saw in my dreams. I couldn’t hear anything in the water, but I felt the quake of the screams and the shaking made me dizzy. They were my faces that decorated the flames. One blazed with flecks similar to tears escaping, the other was open in a gape of terror, and some looked like demons that wailed in fury. 

I was so mesmerized, I didn’t notice myself sinking and bubbles that slid through my open mouth. I stared and stared and stared. I felt so overwhelmed suddenly, but no feeling of hysteria came over me, the way it had been lately. I just felt exhausted, like I was sucked dry. Too many emotions swirled in my head, in my chest, in my mouth, all of them so big and so destructive I couldn’t do anything but blank out. 

My vision began to blur. The sand felt soft, I thought as my knees hit it. I was so deep in the water, the surface wasn’t visible to me. Should it be? Or maybe it was the barrier? Thinking of that exhausted me, so I shut my eyes. 

Darkness was so nice. So silent. I liked it a lot, since there was nothing in the dark; no people in the dark, no crystal in the dark. The dark was nice. But I kind of liked the sun more.

My eyes snapped open. The sun, I thought numbly. My vision was almost gone and I had no breath left in my mouth. My lungs burned and cried for air. I couldn’t feel the tips of my fingers. I looked up with my clouded eyes. A dot of light shone above. I stretched my arm to it. 

I want the sun more.

A face flew into my vision. A wide-eyed, blue face. Oh, blue because of the water. Nina looked ugly in blue, I thought and smiled. She was reaching for something. What is it, I wanted to ask, but she interrupted me by grabbing my arm and pulling me to herself. Why was she doing it? I liked it here! Why was she doing that?

I tried to pull my hand away, but her grip was strong. I wanted to shove her, but I couldn’t, because I couldn’t move anymore. She kept pulling me and I swirled my head away, to make her see my stubbornness. I saw the red again. The flame. Wait, what flame, I asked my thoughts. 

That flame that was so much bigger now. My vision blurred with color. So ugly. I liked the reds of roses more. And the yellows of lemons. And Lila and Nina’s hair.

Nina. Nina was here. She was here. With me again. It was like fog clearing out, the sight of Nina floating next to me, hand outstretched to the flames. 

I wanted to pull her away from it, but could only manage to move my mouth weakly. Speaking of the mouth, it burned more and more with the urge to inhale. I was very aware suddenly of the shrinkage of my lungs. But time didn’t move anymore. I could only watch Nina’s blurb of a face pull at the fire. I followed the sloppy curve of her arms to see she was trying to detach my body. Oh, it was stuck in the fire. That made sense, with all of the tiny movements I’ve felt in my side.

Her head, which was now only a stain in my vision, came closer. I felt something press against my face, and then warm air was in my throat. My eyes gained focus. 

She was very close to me, and I could see the blurry shapes of her eyelashes. Nina tugged on my stuck arm and I finally got the message. I started jerking myself away from the flame with all my might. I pushed my free hand against the almost strangely solid fire. I say strangely, because nothing was too strange at that point, not with me at the bottom of a lake-monster, my heirloom destroyed and Nina having just actually willing kissed me. Even if it was CPR, it still counted. It did. Warmth bloomed in me, despite everything. I may have been dying, but Nina was here to save me. It felt wrong to be the one to need rescue, but I I loved it. 

As I thought that, the fire’s grip loosened and I freed myself. I tumbled away half spinning in the water. Nina caught my arm and immediately began pulling me up. I let her, but looked back. The flame had spread to a big area, consuming the whole bottom. But it was different now. It looked less chaotic, like it was spreading out like a flock of birds. It glowed in soft ruby, the faces gone. Then the space it had first grown on began to clear in a circle. I couldn’t see well, but the sand there looked brighter and clearer. The fire began to fade away slowly from the center, as fast as it had spread. A feeling rose up in me. It swelled under my throat hotly. Gratitude, I realized. What was I thankful for?

No, it wasn’t mine. It was the lake. It was freed, something in my mind told me. Maybe it was the lake speaking, but I couldn’t tell. I waved my palm through the now pleasant water. Goodbye, I whispered wordlessly, seems like we’re done, aren’t we.


	21. Shelter

My head broke the surface. As I swallowed the first gulp of air did I realize just how much I needed it. I inhaled and coughed out water as Nina dragged me to the shore. My head was fuzzy and I leaned against her as we reached the shore. I dropped down to the ground and crawled my way to a tree. My head lolled against the tree and my hands tugged at the grass giddily. I almost wanted to kiss the ground, the way they do in those weird explorer movies. Who even seriously likes those movies?

I stared at Nina’s small panting form and felt overwhelmed. I let out a breathless laugh. She raised her head to look at me, still gasping. She was close enough for me to see the clear blue of her eyes.

‘What’s…so…funny?’ she panted.

‘I love you,’ I leaned my temple against her wet hair.

She was quiet for too long. I saw my hat dropped on the grass by my feet. I gave her a sideways look. She was looking at me, eyes like plates, cheeks flaming in a way I knew wasn’t from the cold.

I gave her a big smile. ‘Oops. My secret is out. I think we’ve been in that situation before, huh?’

There was a beat of silence. My smile faltered.

‘You..!’ she gripped the collar of my sweater suddenly. My excitement shot down slightly. I was aware then of my how wet we both were and how cold it was. I felt the gravity bear down on me even worse than it had in the lake. My lies, Lila, and her tears came back to me like an electric shock.

‘Ne—nevermind, then,’ I looked away and rubbed the back of my head. I couldn’t blink out the image of her sobbing face. My hand reached unconsciously into my pocket, only to grasp on nothing. The momentary shock of not finding Ki made me do a double take and forget everything for a moment. Ki was gone. The thing Mother left for me was gone. The stone that helped me bury the pain away was gone. I was alone now.

I was free.

As I thought that, arms were thrown around my shoulders.

‘You bitch!’ Nina screamed in my ear. ‘How dare—how can you spout this after almost killing yourself?! You idiot! Bitch! Dumbass! You crazy—‘Warm droplets fell on my shoulder. My hands, which were frozen by my sides in shock, came around her and squeezed. Our wet closes gave a weird squelch, but I didn’t care. I hugged her so tightly, you would’ve thought I was trying to glue her to me. You would’ve thought right.

‘I wake up from this weird, weird trance and the first thing I see? Your hat by the water. You gave me a fucking heart attack.’

‘Woah, you said fuck.’ I said in awe. I was genuinely surprised, so the acid look she gave me made me grin sheepishly.

‘If you ever, ever, do something like that again I’ll—I’m never talking to you again!’ She cried in my face. Her snot covered face was red, so red, it was like a cherry. I wanted to bite her cheek. It looked so much better than her pale had looked, that I wanted to take a picture of it. With all of the blotchy spots and grimaces. Especially because of them.

‘I won’t. I promise.’ I buried my face in her hair. It smelled of grass and dirt. I inhaled it deeply. I was alive. I was alive and I was free.

I pulled away from her and cupped her cheek. Her eyes were full of tears as they scanned my face. She was trying to see what I was thinking. The way I always had with other people. I giggle.

‘What now?’ she grumbled.

‘Nothing,’ I pushed a wet lock out of her face. ‘I could never read you.’

‘What do you mean?’ she asked. The sun was gone now, the sky a deep blue. It was getting really cold, but I didn’t have the strength or wish to stand up.

‘I always had to know how to figure people out, you know, for the crystal. So I was good at it, no matter what person. But I could never figure you out. I’d look in your face and see nothing.’

‘So you saw through me immediately,’ she said with a note of self-deprecation. ‘I’m basically the most boring person there is, Irene. If you didn’t notice.’

‘That’s not true.’ I give her a firm look. ‘You are the funniest, sweetest person I’ve ever known. The reason I saw nothing is because of that way of thinking.’ I pointed an accusatory finger at her. ‘You always put yourself down and focus on other people. You think you have nothing because you always prioritize others. And that in itself is such a kind feature.’

Nina looked me in the eye, face disbelieving. ‘Do you really—‘

‘Yeah, I think so. And not just me. Everyone who knows you thinks so too.’

She looked stunned like no one had ever said anything like that before and she had never even imagined anyone ever saying that. I was about to joke about a cat biting her tongue when she pressed her mouth to mine.

Mind you, it wasn’t a magical kiss you see in movies or even a good kiss. It was clumsy and eager, our wet clothes sticking to us and dirt drying on our legs and fronts. She was holding my face and I was holding her waist and we were shivering from the cold. It was the best kiss ever. 

She pulled away and we stared at each other, ‘Uh,’

‘Yeah,’ I supplied. Then burst out in a full laugh and this time she didn’t scold me.

She stood up and pulled me up with her. For the first time, she took the lead up the path away from the lake. I grabbed her hand and gave her a smile. I wasn’t planning on letting go of that hand anytime soon.

 

END


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